Question about Kids & Eating

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 5:37 pm

So by nature 2 of my kids are healthy, eat when they are hungy, stop when they are full types. My house is filled with healthy choices & treats for sometimes like small oreo packs, small chip bags, & mini ice creams. My 12 year old son I've noticed has changed his appetite. I figured it was that time where he will get his growth spurt & has just been extra hungry & didn't worry about it but I notice he grazes all day long & is constantly asking for a snack & eats HUGE meals. He can maintain his weight as long as we are eating at home, but then will gain during times where less healthy choices are available. Last summer we went on a Disney Cruise & he came back probably 10lbs heavier. He got slower, had a hard time running & just finally got demoted down to the lower soccer team & no longer gets to play on the team with all of his friends from school. He's running & doing track now & trying to get back to the level he was at so he can get back on his team if a space opens up but he just eats a lot & grazes all day so he doesn't get any leaner & never loses the weight he puts on during these events. I don't want to give him a complex & have him end up one of those kids that grows up & talks about how his parents restricted what he ate, but don't want to see him continue to gain weight everytime life comes up & I'm not around to remind him to make healthy choices.

We have another big family trip coming. Some of my neices & nephews overeat. They all hang out at my MIL's house most days where there is always candy, cookies, & chips for them to eat whenever they want. My son spent the week the at the beginning of summer & put on a few pounds. If he lived by them & spent more time there he would most likely be one of the heavier kids. A few of them would be considered obese & I don't want that for my son, but when they are all together & eating all you can eat All Inclusive they will go big. How do I help him navigate this without giving him a complex. If he gains another 10 lbs this year on the family trip it will be really bad for him.

What is the best way to help him out here? If anyone in the family hears him say "my parents say I have to make healthier choices" they will think we are overly restrictive & healthy psycos. Plus I want him to enjoy getting to have that extra ice cream or malt at the ice cream shop after dinner, I just don't want him to have 10 ice cream cones, 8 cokes, 4 virgin pina coladas, & a not stop string of chicken fingers, hot dogs, pizza, & cheese burgers from the burger joint. We won't be with him all the time so he will have to make his own smart choices. I mentioned to my SIL about how he can overeat she seemd to think that I was crazy & that kids should be allowed to overeat. I think occassionally overeating his fine, but not to the point of gaining 10 lbs in a week!!

knitapeace · Post by **knitapeace** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 6:09 pm

I'm not a nutritionist or a doctor, but I am the mom of a 14 year old and I've watched him go through phases of chunking up and then growing several inches to thin out. My opinion is that putting harsh restrictions on him now will indeed make those kinds of foods way too desirable, leading him to eat more (and worse) when he's out of your sight. I think modeling good behavior both in eating and in activity, and giving him a reasonable understanding of nutrition and moderation will sit better with an almost-teenager. Maybe talk about the 80/20 ratio: if 80% of what you eat is lean meat, fruits, veggies, and whole grains, then the remaining 20% can be treats.

Then again here I am trying to re-lose 20 pounds so I don't feel like the best source of advice! I just wanted you to know that within reason, weight fluctuations in teenage boys is pretty normal.

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 6:35 pm

Thank you so much knitapeace!! I noticed that with my older son too & it's nice to hear the same thing happend to yours (I have a 14 year old boy too)!! I haven't really worried about it much because of that, but now seeing my younger son continue to thicken & thicken & how he is unable to navigate these times where there is a lot of unhealthy choices is making me worry more. My older son didn't binge on unhealthy things at every opportunity, he ate bigger meals, more snacks, & got thicker & then would shoot up. I think I'm extra sensitive because a couple of my neices & nephews are so heavy. At what point do you step in? I notice the heavier kids eating & eating & eating & I can't help but feel like at some point you need to do something for your kids. But maybe by doing nothing they eventually figure it out for themselves? I would think that having healthier choices at our own house would be good enough. We're all involved in sports, we bike, we hike. It seems like that should be good enough, but it's hard knowing that this summer when he's already really thick (much more so than my older son ever was) he will gain a lot of weight anyway after spending a couple of weeks binging ):

LifeisaBlessing · Post by **LifeisaBlessing** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 7:49 pm

Jen, this is SUCH a difficult question to answer. Short answer to your question is, you can only control what is available in your house.

My son (now 19) was like yours in that he "chubbed up" at the pre-teen/young teen age. It took some growing taller and adjusting what he ate and drank--something he decided on his own to do--to get his weight back to "normal."

The important takeaway from this is that it's got to be something that your son decides to do himself; it cannot be forced on him. Be available to answer food/nutrition questions if he asks you, but I'd be very hesitant to give any "diet" advice, however innocuous it might seem to be. Like knitapeace said, restrictions could send them running in the other direction and doing the opposite of what you said, just to be contrary lol.

kaalii · Post by **kaalii** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 8:34 pm

i have to slightly disagree...
in ideal world, yes, we could let the children eat as they please... and be quite passive about their food choices... i firmly believe in the wisdom of a healthy child's appetite!
but it seems that in the times we are living in - the stakes are against your son...
with today's society food habits and options (especially in the USA, we keep hearing, but elsewhere, too) and his family (the cousins you mention) being a very unhealthy influence... and maybe even with some of the food choices at home...

what im trying to say is something you probably already know:
with children, as with adults, it is more how you will communicate something then what you will communicate...
and you know your child best to know how to actually do it in this particular situation...
but do seek professional help for yourself if you think you might need practical encouragement... i advise against bringing your son to professionals or making a big deal out of it out in the open... he is far from actual health danger, from what i can read... but food is a big deal in parent-child relationship...

i totally get the fear of
-hurting your child's feelings or
-be seen as someone "torturing" him with healthier eating

this can be maybe prevented with already mentioned communication skills improvements... but bottom line is that he is still a child and if you see that if, given a choice, he keeps choosing not wisely - you do have a responsability to educate him to the best of your knowledge... no matter what he or those around you think...

he might blame you, if miscommunication happens, for that and many other things now or in the future.. and probably will... we parents have to be ready to be, rightly or wrongly, accused of many things by our kids when they grow up... starting from choosing the name for them that they might hate one day for some reason beyond our comprehention, because as far as we are concerned we gave them the best possible names in the world that we could think of, no?

but he (and the world) might blame you for not doing anything, too...
and that one is harder to explain later to ourselves and them - because we actually did know better, didnt we?! but didnt want to take responsability and charge when it was easier to adjust the course of events...

and yes, being a good model for a certain behaviour is ideal, to walk our talk... but no, it is not absolutely necessary for everything we want to teach our children... we can also teach by owning our bad experiences, including our mistakes and unfortunes, and explaining that there are other ways...
a 12 year old can fully understand that...

Merry · Post by **Merry** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:33 pm

Maybe there are other ways to discuss this with your son than looking at weight. For example:

Does he ever get a stomach-ache? Many times, kids don't make the obvious connection that over-eating, or having too much junk, causes stomach-aches. So you can approach from a "I want you to have fun and not feel yucky" vantage point as you coach him in having some treats but not endless treats.

Does he connect the free-for-all junk food from last summer with his energy and running slump that led to the soccer team change? If so, begin to help him think about how to make choices so that he won't feel so sluggish, so that he'll have more energy. Talk about what our bodies DO need, and how we can have fun treats but need to not have too many or it affects how our bodies work (Like, what if you put the wrong kind of fuel in a car--would it work well? Try to relate it to something he can understand.)

Maybe you want to start slowly changing things at home though too. Maybe snacks & sweets are only available on weekends, and during the week, regular meals are encouraged instead, to help everyone make healthier food choices. Or, if you don't want to cut snacking totally, have fresh veggies & fruits available for snacking, and keep less of the oreo packs & ice creams around. You may not want to make big changes with how he vacations, but to focus on changes at home instead.

e-lyn · Post by **e-lyn** » Tue Jun 21, 2016 2:03 am

My oldest son started to get 'love handles' around age 11 or so. I was really worried because my husband and I have battled our weight since we were kids. I always made healthy meals and all three of my boys had been very thin up to that point. But they definitely enjoyed snacking. I really debated over how to handle the problem. In my experience, kids are so sensitive at that age and focusing on the problem can lead to a lifetime of issues so I wanted to avoid addressing it directly even in a positive way. I quietly stopped purchasing as much snack food, even relatively healthy snacks. When he complained of hunger between meals I told him I would make some scrambled eggs, cheese toast, PB, an apple, etc. Real Food. Then if he was still hungry he could choose from whatever limited snack food was available. He really stopped craving junk food after that and slimmed down. We did have many general discussions about healthy eating habits but they weren't aimed specifically at him.

MaggieMae · Post by **MaggieMae** » Tue Jun 21, 2016 3:16 pm

This is a tough one. I've seen my 11 year old nephew become almost secretive about eating sweets when he's away from his parents because they always limited his intake. I remember them having a chart in their kitchen and it had so many sweets a week allowed, and when he used one, he moved a token over to the other side of the board. We grew up next to my grandparents who always had pop and lunch cakes and my brother went through a chunky phase. Several chunky years, actually. In high school, he became active in sports and started helping our uncle do construction work. He became VERY muscular and tone . Such a delicate balance between teaching good habits and causing children to have a complex. Best of luck to all if us to find that balance!

Jen1974 · Post by **Jen1974** » Tue Jun 21, 2016 5:04 pm

MaggieMae wrote:This is a tough one. I've seen my 11 year old nephew become almost secretive about eating sweets when he's away from his parents because they always limited his intake. I remember them having a chart in their kitchen and it had so many sweets a week allowed, and when he used one, he moved a token over to the other side of the board. We grew up next to my grandparents who always had pop and lunch cakes and my brother went through a chunky phase. Several chunky years, actually. In high school, he became active in sports and started helping our uncle do construction work. He became VERY muscular and tone . Such a delicate balance between teaching good habits and causing children to have a complex. Best of luck to all if us to find that balance!

This is totally why I hesitate to quit having a little fun stuff around the house to eat!! My cousins grew up in a house where there wasn't any of that & when they were faced with it didn't know how to handle it. They all really struggled with when & how much. Plus my other 2 kids don't really deserve to lose the sometimes treats!! I did notice that my whole family was better off when I quit buying big bags of chips & whole packages of cookies. It's so easy to grab just one more cookie, or one more handful of chips. Plus it's not at home that is a problem. Our culture is that all those things are for sometimes. There isn't really a limit, sometimes we have a bag of chips with lunch, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they have a dessert after lunch or dinner, sometimes they don't but they do have to ask to eat junk food, they can't just eat it. It's just when my one son has to make the choices for himself that he has a hard time. Not sure if it's something that can be taught or not. I know it can't be forced & has to be chosen. I would say we could limit exposure to situations like this, but if kids can't eventually learn to navigate them, they will eventually fail when they do have to make their own choices.

You all are helping me a lot. I love the different stories about everyones situations!! It helps me know that lots of kids get these things figured out for themselves!!!

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Thu Jun 23, 2016 4:39 pm

This just makes my stomach churn. The idea that this kind of activity for children is somehow what childhood is all about is very problematic in my mind. But it is considered the norm. I have fond memories of it myself, but I image junkies secretly have fond memories of getting high, and I see the folly of it now. We have no idea what problems will show up later even after kids slim down. But it can't be remedied with lecturing, that's for sure. I distinctly remember thinking adults who called candy, chips, etc. junk food were just plain crazy.

I don't even know why I'm posting because I have no solution. In my own heathen way, I pray for ya!

kaalii · Post by **kaalii** » Sun Jun 26, 2016 9:16 am

im gonna put this here because this heavy but interesting topic is touching upon basic children need(s)...
and they are interconnected... and our duty as parents and teachers is to see to them to the best of our abilities and possibilities...

so the daily minimum of active play for children according to the age:

sorry, i didnt know how to make it smaller...

MaggieMae · Post by **MaggieMae** » Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:34 pm

Thanks for sharing, kaali! My son is almost4. I wonder what kind of movement counts toward the 5-8 hours? My son loves to run and play and even take walks with me, but I know we don't hit 5 hours of running/walking. He is constantly doing something though.

kaalii · Post by **kaalii** » Sun Jun 26, 2016 1:11 pm

in general, these needs are simpler and more common sense than it sounds...

but the fact is that more and more doctors are actually having to prescribe active and preferably outdoors movement to the kids that are brought to them with health problems nowadays... somthing we would laugh off as a non issue a generation or two ago like if we were told: "oh yeah, and make sure he is breathing!"...

active play is not only activities like sport teams practices etc, that can actually be blamed for reduction of total daily movement if, for example, the drive to and fro from the practice field/hall includes car rides that steal up significant amount of movement oriented play time for the child... so "simple" outdoors freeplay activities are what we are aiming at... not boring stuff, either...

kids will also guide... they will know what to do instinctively, especially if there is more of them... especially if they are also not under too much control and supervision... it is up to us as parents and teachers primarily to find/create/organize the environment for that... and leave the rest to them, with one eye on them of course... but actually not both eyes (i will not go into that now as that is a deeper discussion that involves more of psychological, self-esteem, self-reliance and creativity development needs)...

in your case, "constantly doing something" at 4 years old is probably hitting the mark there... i dont think you have anything to worry about, especially if he is not long time strapped in the car seat due to transport needs we can have in nowadays commuting... nor in front of the screen...

but here are some ideas of what active play means for different ages just to get a general direction:
http://www.health.act.gov.au/healthy-li ... activities

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sun Jul 10, 2016 5:25 am

Oh boy I'm coming late to this discussion but it is a very important issue to me. My parents were always dieting and never allowed sugary food in the house and of course I followed suit by going on my first diet when I was 10. Then as soon as I was at a friends house or had access to junk food, I'd gorge and this led to many years of binging/starving so that's not a great road to go down.

My youngest daughter (she's 11) has chunkier times but I've never said anything to her and she always ends up leaning out. It's scary though sometimes I hold my breath through those times but she's fine and has a great body image so I'm pretty proud of myself for not trying to control her weight.

I do cook a lot though and as a result my kids hate fast food and although we have snacky food at home, it's often the organic whole grain version like black bean chips instead of Doritos. For some reason there seems to be less appeal to gorge on this but we often have ice cream available and I make homemade cookies once a week. I do often ask my daughter if she's bored when she says she hungry for the millionth time to make sure she's reading her cues correctly. I'll also say things like be careful not to eat too much, I don't want you to get a tummy ache so she can start making that connection instead of food/weight it's food/feeling good connection.

The thing that helped me most though was reading Ellyn Satter. I know I talk about her a lot on here and while she's great for adults, her real expertise is children and she's very sane and doesn't buy into the whole childhood obesity scare so please consider checking any of her fabulous books out.

It's so hard to know how to navigate these situations. How to help our kids best without hurting them in the process. You are asking all the right questions and I hope you find a solution that works best for your family. I know the best thing you can do is model healthy behaviors and I know you're already doing that so that's a great start. Btw, by healthy I don't mean eating carrot sticks, I mean eating all kinds of foods in moderation and not getting caught up in the diet craze.

Best of luck!

Linda