moderation = no parachute?

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Sat May 15, 2010 12:07 am

Something has come up that has surprised me. After so many years of bingeing and being convinced that it is the source of so much misery and that just white knuckling it on N days (rather than journaling one more time about what was bothering me) was the best way to stop it, I'm down to just one S day gone wild a week. I've always pooh poohed the idea of the fear of success, but I'm finding when I imagine giving up way overeating on Saturdays, I just don't want to think about it. Even though I love my N days, I love getting hungry and savoring my meals, and I love so many things about eating in moderation, I still feel almost a bit of fear thinking I might not be able to fall back on just settling in to pig out. It seems like saying good-bye to a fun friend! I know it must sound nuts not to want to get this monkey completely off my back. I thought I was 100% on board, but I just almost feel like crying to think all I need to do is keep whittling away at the habit and the urges will be gone. It's almost as if I think there is something magical and special about the freedom to eat too much. I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well because it's a mysterious feeling and it doesn't fit with my beliefs about this process, but here I am. I'm a bit embarrassed because looking back I sound like a big baby who doesn't want to give up her bottle. I'm so much happier on the days I eat better, but can I really be happy never eating too much? I haven't lived without it for more than 6 months-and that was just twice in 40 years- my whole adult life. Can I really step off this cliff with no parachute?

I'm sure this will all sound melodramatic to some and even me, someday...

leafy_greens · Post by **leafy_greens** » Sat May 15, 2010 1:21 am

I'm with you on this - I can't wait to collapse into food on my S days. I have a list of food I want to eat planned out, so I don't forget anything that needs to be eaten before the weekend is over. I also have a giant bag of M&M's waiting for breakfast tomorrow. I'm still a new No-S'er, so I'm just trying to not fight it at the moment. I really hope it subsides, but I'm trying to give the bingeing time to fizzle out before I start getting anxious. I only want to lose about 10 lbs so weight isn't too much of an issue right now, just the obsession. I really have cut back a LOT just by relegating chocolate to the weekends. Something to be proud of, at least.

kccc · Post by **kccc** » Sat May 15, 2010 1:43 am

If this is where you are, be there. It's okay.

Are the S-days affecting you adversely? (For example, are you gaining and miserable about that?) If not... there's no problem.

I think the S-days are VERY important in the early stages, and provide an emotional safety net that is much-needed. That need may change on its own, but you don't have to think about that now. Give yourself time, and don't push. Just focus on the N-days for now.

(As an aside... I am listening to Geneen Roth's book, on the recommendation of other members here. I only just started, but it sounds as if it might address some of these issues. Oolala, your post sounds amazingly like some of the women talking in her prologue!)

Clarica · Post by **Clarica** » Wed May 19, 2010 5:59 pm

that is a tough spot. first, I'd say, go ahead and cry! maybe you need to let some other stuff out that isn't about the food.

secondly, don't plan on giving them up forever. For me, there are some days in the year when planned moderation is not "in the spirit". Certainly Thanksgiving here in the US! Maybe you want to celebrate less than once a week, but that doesn't mean celebration is canceled. This does imply a mindful and spiritual approach to occasional overabundance, and I hope that you bless and cherish what you do eat, both on days of moderation and s-days gone wild.

hang in there!

oolala53 · Post by **oolala53** » Wed May 19, 2010 11:39 pm

Yes, I am bothered because I'm stuck 10 lbs. down from where I started and I need to take off another 21 lbs. to get to my high range of normal. I'm starting to have a vision of what it could be like to live normally with food. It seems normal to be hungry for 1-2 hours before meals. On S days, I don't get there.

But it's not keeping me awake at night. I just was surprised at how much I want to cling to excess, especially when I don't think I've deprived myself much. REally. I don't feel guilty when i eat a lot. I just feel too full often and I don't understand why it is okay for me to get that way. I guess the road there is worth it for awhile more now.