Post
by oolala53 » Sun May 06, 2012 5:14 pm
Thanks, everyone!
Roxy, if I had decided on the spur of the moment at the party to have a piece of cake, I probably would have allowed myself to call it a NWS day. But sitting there for a few hours and then just tearing into the candy wrapper has to be a fail for me. And three sweets, then three pieces of cake, then chocoaltes and more cake and frosting constitutes a binge for me, though it was spread out. I was well aware that I was treating the food as a drug at the time, esp, the chocolates (bought at a 99cent store nearer the party) and the cupcakes (bought at another store nearer my house but on the same trip home). But, it's all part of the disorder. I am able to see the big picture, thank goodness. (Lord knows I can't in other areas, and have always been able to in still others.)
I took a book about overcoming bulimia (which I tried twice in my late 20's and didn't have the "stomach" for) and binge eating from the library, It's based on a British program, and is also cognitive behaviorally based, though I haven't gotten to that part yet. Here is a quote that is helping me right now, one that followed the assertion that some do indeed some completely become able to eat without anxiety or concerns about their weight/shape: "However, many remain vulnerable to difficulties with food and related concerns, even if this vulnerability only becomes evident on rare occasions of stress. The existence of the residual susceptibility does not mean, however, that the person has not recovered. Indeed, a realistic notion of recovery that accepts that difficulties with eating may occasionally recur is both more realistic and more helpful than a rigid definition, and can be a protections against both disappointment and imprudence." I see that as a big version of helping to negate the "what the heck" syndrome. And the remedy is pretty much the same. Go back to your sane plan of eating and moving, and continue to develop other areas of possible reward in life: a spiritual connection, daily care of self and home, warm relationships, satisfying work, and pursuit of talents, all in various order and amounts on any given day.
Browsing parts of the book is also convincing me that I have to have some kind of plan for S days, at least in the moments in which I'm alone. Those three pieces of cake in the company of others wouldn't have been a big deal if I hadn't scarfed sweets alone before and after I went. But I am alone so often that I can't imagine saying I can't have S's unless I am with others. Anyway, for the time being, since when most of my time will be spent alone on an S day, I will at least commit to having three meals in a timely fashion no matter what else I do, even if I gorge and am stuffed. That alone might help decrease compulsive overeating. I was thinking of actually recording and calorie counting S's, with a possible limit of 500 calories' worth of them on any one S day. It occurs to me now I could just record whatever S's I have without counting. Since I use my hand as an approximate measuring tool, I was thinking of limiting myself to at most the volume of two fists of S's on an S day, and no more than one at a sitting. If I don't eat the whole amount at one time, it doesn't carry over. Gosh, this is sounding complicated! And it doesn't even cover Sunday morning brunches! Cross that bridge, etc.
All I know is today I am having three meals no matter what. I just finished a late breakfast and ate quite light because I wasn't hungry, but I'm going with the recommendations of the book. It's possible I will have no more S's this weekend, though I always let myself have food tastes at Costco or Trader Joe's on S days because they have never led to a single thought of WTH. In fact, I'm going to commit to that for today. Got no plans with others and honestly, when I have a good meal, dessert is so often not even attractive unless I can share the fun experience with others. I have had many nice experiences with dessert alone, too, so it's not as if I can't. I get plenty of enjoyment from my meals alone, so that's not the issue.
Oh, btw, wanted to report that a woman at the party sitting next to me Friday knew I like frosting and got a piece of cake that she set down and said, "Here, I'll turn the cake so you can have some of the frosting," which I did. She did not even eat a bite of the cake. She's naturally thin. So, see? Skinny people take the cake and then don't even eat it and they don't care what anyone thinks. They are probably not even thinking anyone is paying attention. She probably took it, thinking oh, maybe I'll have some and then decided it didn't appeal. Before that, she had an order of fish tacos, crowed over them, and ate every bite. So, she's not afraid to eat and hiding it. My gosh, I certainly do analyze these things! When will this be over, or more over than it is? I'm betting a lot on having this school year over and having a better schedule next year.
I'm supposed to start a comedy class tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it because I have so much hanging over my head. I have no easy ideas what to do with my seniors after I get back from my trip to New Orleans, and not much time between now and then to think about it. They will be through with their big external exams and will have even less incentive to do more work for 9 more days of class. I have no more books with any lesson plans or materials associated with them so I would be starting from scratch and I resent the idea that I would be working so hard to try to keep their attention when it won't make much difference in anyone's grade. It would mostly be to fulfill some kind of image I have (and others have) of the value of literature and rigor. It's also just another chance to be disappointed that the smart kids in the school have no interest in reading literary stories and talking about them. If they can't get a grade, they don't care. I wouldn't even test these stories or make them write about them if they were willing to at least read them and talk! Even better would be if they would bring in something they liked, except that they so often like schock. Hmm.. but still maybe... that would take a lot of coordination, too, but...
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23
There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)