Tessytwinkle's check in

[Tessytwinkle]

Well here goes.
I am 59 years old. Weight 208 lbs. have bad back and joints and need to lose about 40 - 50lbs.
I have dieted on and off for the last 40 years. Sometimes successfully. But always returning to my original weight and then some.
I have bad food allergies that make me crave certain foods and every time I have an allergic response from something it takes me weeks to recover and I put on more weight ( have been hospitalised as an emergency at times so they can be dangerous too). So my health and my weight are tortuously tied up together. I am also a keen cook, so for me food can be both a delight and off limits and a danger - not a good combination!
Since I have started no S this week. I have been reading many posts and thinking very carefully about my life. I am off work on sick leave for a month or more and this seems to me to be an ideal time to really focus on myself. In general my work is very demanding and I often eat compulsively when I am at work. So this is my chance to break into my bad habits and try to turn them round. Before I have to go back to,work.
Weight loss is very important to me as I have to lose weight or my joints and my overall health will continue to deteriorate. I feel like I have lost control and lost confidence in my body. So this is an important time for me.
I have been greatly encouraged by such generous and insightful posts in response to mine. I have never done WW or anything public before. For me eating and dieting have been a secretive painful struggle. So here goes.
Sorry for all the info. I just want to get it all out so that I can acknowledge my life and move forwards. Will post tomorrow about the day today - I think that is how this works?
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this! Future posts will be much briefer I hope

[Tessytwinkle]

Ok today is green phew, although very hungry in the afternoon and hungry now before bed. Going to try and sleep as soon as I can after this post.
Breakfast - granola, soya milk peach and apricot
Lunch - steamed mixed veggies and yoghurt mustard sauce
Dinner - potato salad, tabbouleh, 2 h/b eggs and lettuce and tomato
Walked 20 mins ( only just starting to walk after my operation.
Felt very tired today but that is probably par for the course and very pleased to stay green

[Tessytwinkle]

Green day today hooray. Seemed like a very long day
Breakfast - granola, cherry tomatoes from my garden and a peach
Lunch- stir fry veggies and cashew nuts
Dinner - runner beans, mash and fried eggs.
Tomorrow S day. Hope I can keep everything steady.

[Tessytwinkle]

oh dear first S day and it all felt totally out of control. Started really well, had sugary milk drink wIth breakfast felt great. Then bought some ice cream had normal Lunch. But this evening when I was on my own ate 2 tubs ice cream, lots of popcorn, more sugary drinks, lots bread and butter felt totally out of control and bingeing. I know that S days must be relaxed and I must just accept some wildness but it felt really grim. I have now read lot of posts about S days and sugar Is definitely a problem. I know it is for me, always has been. Listened to podcast about not eating alone. And I think I have to add this in as a mod otherwise I may not last long on the diet at all. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. Still an S day but my diet head instinct is to not have it and make it an noS day to assert some self control. But I know that this is not how no S works and I have to accept myself and moderation is better than attempting denial. I have to just Make the noS days work and the S days will fall into place. I hope this is the case for me!!!

[lpearlmom]

Sorry today was so rough.

I decided that some S days just have to be completely wild whereas other S days I may crave more structure. Both are ok but it's nice if I kind of decide which can't I need/ want in advance. Then those wild days don't feel so out of control so " grim".


Hang in there. Tomorrow will be better.

[Tessytwinkle]

Thank you for your support Linda. I really appreciate it. Good luck with your day.

[Tessytwinkle]

Today was not brilliant. But not as bad as yesterday. Ate three large pieces of cake. I had to make cake for a Friend then knew I would have a piece and that was ok for S day. So Only had one piece socially but late in the evening I started to panic and had two large bits and packet popcorn. Freaked out by the thought of not having cake again for a whole week!! Not a major binge but I would like to be better than this in future S days. I also seemed to nibble all day. In fact just like my past/ present bad habits. I realise now more clearly how my way of being around food is so problematic. So onwards to the new week and I really really want to stay in vanilla heaven all week. I CAN DO THIS - I MUST DO THiS feels like my last chance

[Tessytwinkle]

Phew. A successful noS day. Really pleased after the rather scary S days at the weekend.
Breakfast - roasted pumpkin seeds, strawberries and melon ( I am a fruit and nut fan)
Lunch - stir fried rice with eggs and peas plus nectarine
Dinner - homemade roasted tomato soup and 2 slices whole meal toast and butter.
Had to taste the soup but nothing out of control so count this as a green day a cooks gotta taste right? Used small teaspoon as advised. I feel hungry, although not a bad feeling, do not feel desperate and out of Control. Still not at work yet still on sick leave. Did not skimp my portions just used smaller plate. as suggested. Hoping for a full green week, fingers crossed.

[lpearlmom]

Yay--great job tessytwinkle!

[Tessytwinkle]

Totally exhausted this afternoon, soo tired. I think is because I am just starting to slowly pick up bits of my work since my operation although I am signed off sick until end of August. I sat at computer working for a while today. Did more than I have done for weeks. Had to have a milk with sugar in it as I felt so grim even after a rest and sleep. Not so much hungry but washed out. Does this mean I have messed up my green day? I was trying really hard. Only had two plates of food so far. I hope not I think you can have a sugary drink? But as I do not have sugar in my drinks it feels like a sugar treat!!! Not sure where I stand now and worse of all I feel a little better for it! Dinner is at 7 so let's hope I can stay straight otherwise.

[lpearlmom]

Sugar & milk are fine in coffee so don't worry about it. You're doing great!
I used to drink a huge mocha latte everyday but now leave those for the weekend.

Now I drink cappuccinos with just a little sugar on top. I have a foamer at home so a little milk goes a long way (I use 2%). Then I sprinkle about a teaspoon of sugar on top which is like 30 calories maybe.

It doesn't cause me to crave more sweets and there's no way I'm going to drink black coffee. Since this diet is suppose to be sustainable for life, my cappuccino makes sense to me.

Find a realistic solution for you & stick with it!

Best of luck with the rest of your day!

Linda

[Hippy Dippy]

Hello!

You hang in there! It just takes time to make new habits. And you're dealing with some emotional issues with food (who doesn't??), so eventually you will figure out what you're dealing with (or not dealing with since food is your fail-safe).

But, someone wrote in one of the posts in the forum that doing NoS and forming new habits is like driving a car: first you're going at 55 mph going south, but it's a bad habit road for you so, you decide to turn your life/car around and go north. Well, you have to slow down and sometimes even stop in order to make that U-turn. And then after you've changed directions and are heading north, it takes a while to get back up to 55 mph again.

It might not feel like it, but you're making progress!! Make sure you're not skimping on good, whole foods on your plate--make sure you're eating enough amount-wise.

We are all in this together, and your posts help me and hopefully mine help you.

Hippy Dippy

[Tessytwinkle]

Hooray, after all it seems like I had a good day. A green day. I have got to keep an eye on my potential for snacking but this seems to be working for me.
Many many thanks Linda and hippy dippy, your comments on my low point today really helped to lift my spirits and put myself back on track. Before I started NoSing I would have lapsed into WTF and had a major binge this afternoon. It is really noticeable to me how much I need and want to succeed at this and how important this community of support is as well. Like so many others trusting in just vanilla noS is very challenging when you are used to endless diets, calorie counting strict control and deprivation followed inevitably by failure and mindless bingeing. NoS is so different it seems so simple yet is actually really hard - quirky!!!

Thanks Hippy Dippy for the comparison of driving a car and changing habits, things take time. I am getting that - really helpful.
Thanks
Tessy
P.s. Hoping for my first green week this week.

[lpearlmom]

Yeah Tess! You are doing great!

For so long I felt like I couldn't win. If I'm dieting I'm obsessing constantly & miserable from deprivation. If I'm doing the non-diet thing I'm still thinking about food/weight constantly and I'm usually gaining weight nonstop.

With NoS I have a peace of mind that I haven't felt for many years, I'm not gaining & hopefully I might even lose weight on top of it all. Focusing on those immediate benefits is helping me to want to stay for the long haul.

Hope tomorrow goes well too!

Linda

[Tessytwinkle]

Success green day. Feel reallypleased. Linda, great support many thanks. You are so right I too am starting to feel more peaceful around food. I also taken on board hippy dippys advice about making sure i am eating well. I am trying to really plan and enjoy my food. It is quite a revelation!!

This is a strange time for me. Usually I am at work full time. Munching my way through my secret stash of food, compulsively eating and under severe stress my job also very sedentary. Now I am at home. On sick leave in a very diffent space. It just seems like the right time or me.. I am praying that I can get a good habit established before I go back to work. I am dreading it, as that is where I come unravelled most. So everyday that I succeed now makes me safer for when I am most under strain in the future. Ooooh exciting at the moment!!

[lpearlmom]

Congrats on today!! You are doing so well!

So sorry to hear work is so stressful. I guess there's no chance of getting a different job any time soon?

I hope tomorrow goes just as well! Before you know it, it'll be time for an S day--yay!

Linda

[Tessytwinkle]

Thanks for dropping by Linda, soooo encouraging. Last night spent half the night tossing and turning dreaming about breaking my noS rules. All muddled up but great relief when I woke up and it was just a dream and I am still on track

[lpearlmom]

Lol--I did the same thing the other night. I'm sure that will stop once we're more confident with our newly found ways!

[clarebear]

hahaha that is the kind of dream I would have, what a brilliant feeling though when you wake up!
Keep going!!!

[May]

Just keep on racking up green days. You are doing great!

[Tessytwinkle]

Phew another green day. I am so proud of myself because I went out today - not been out much since I've been off sick. On my way home i called at a shop I don't often get to go to. They have my favourite flapjacks. I spent ages in the shop trying to decide to buy them and how many, then bought 4. Then have spent all day thinking about them. But have NOT eaten them! They are in the cupboard and I will try and have just one on weekend. I know this all sounds rather tame but in the past I would have bought 6 and eaten them in one sitting, and then gone out for more stuff I have never been this settled I pray it will last. I know I will have bad days but if I could really stop bingeing it would transform my life. I can't believe it will last. So one day at a time eh! Hooray tomorrow's Friday thanks for your support it means so much to me.

[lpearlmom]

Yay!!! Amazing progress! Doesnt it feel good not be so ruled by food?

Btw, what are flapjacks? Here (USA) they're pancakes which we eat for breakfast w syrup. Also, why just one this weekend?

Keep up the good work!!

Linda

[clarebear]

Resisting a flapjack is a true test!!
Well done

Looking forward to my first S day! I have been thinking about having a chocolate muffin for some reason, not sure why as it's something I don't really eat normally

Keep going Tessy!

[Tessytwinkle]

Hooray!!! My first clean week. I am really pleased.had difficult dinner as had guests and made a pie i wanted to eat so much more of it as it was so nice. Also made jam tarts with left over pastry. Everyone had one but me. Unheard of!!!

Roll on Saturday. Have been obsessing about what I might eat for days now. Not the right approach I know. But a girl is only human and it is early days. Wiser heads than mine have cautioned me to just focus on getting my noS days right. Hope I don't feel out if control though Tomorrow, I have rather liked this new 'in control' me this week.

Linda - thank you for your support it has helped me get through the week. A flap jack is a cereal bar - very fattening and full of sugar!! To be resisted.
Clarebear - you are so right. Resisting flapjack is a true test! Now must try to make sure I do not eat all four tomorrow

[lpearlmom]

Yay!!! You did it! Enjoy this weekend & don't worry so much about how many flapjacks you eat (they sound good btw). Remember this is the time to let lose a lil. The week is the time for discipline. I think the key is not to make yourself sick & miserable. But don't be worried about sugar & calories.

Either way hope it goes well for you!

L

[jw]

Hi Tessie, thanks for stopping by my check-in -- it sounds like your week went very well! Enjoy those flapjacks!

[Tessytwinkle]

Well. Saturday was a bit strange. After hankering for it to come all week. I did not really know what to do with it when it got here!!! There were so many things I had planned to eat. But when it came to it did not like the feeling of being out of control. I did really enjoy sweet milky drink for breakfast and snacked through the day. I think snacks and sugar are probably my worst habits. Am a great nibbler and curbing that is hard. So S days perfect as just drop back in to perma snacking !! Made caramelised banana tart. Nearly didn't as felt very anxious about it. But it was sooooooo yummy and I had two slices. But that Did not open the flood gates to a full scale binge as it would have done before.

Funny to get to nearly 60 and realise you do not really know yourself so a journey of discovery. May rename myself Tessypermasnacker

[Tessytwinkle]

Sunday not brilliant. Too much snacking and flapjacks.
. I feel uncomfortable with my eating. I have reread the book about S days. Lots to learn still. Will be very glad when it is tomorrow with clear structure of control. Need to think carefully about S days. Hopefully with a good week behind me I will feel better next weekend and enjoy my treats.

[lpearlmom]

Hi Tessy

Your S days sound a lot like mine. A lot snacking especially the 2nd day & generally not very satisfying. I think they will eventually become something we feel good about but probably can't be forced.

Someone said it took them about a year for their S days to work themselves out. Just remember you can't do an S day wrong so don't beat yourself up about it. Just remember that you'd like to make them a little more enjoyable next time.

You're doing amazing & should feel really good about your progress.

Linda

[Kittykat150]

Hi Tessy,
I feel that same sense on S days that I am wasting my treat-calories on mediocre things. Say hello to a fellow permasnacker. It seems that everything sounds good during the week, when forbidden. But once I can have it, it is just so-so. I am learning about myself too. I notice that I am forcing myself to snack or have sweets because I can, not that I really want it. We are both at the stage of reeling in our S days because we do not like the feeling of uncontrolled eating anymore. I think that must be great progress, don't you?
Have a great week.
Kat

[Tessytwinkle]

Hooray I am back in my comfort zone. Vanilla days are here again had a good green day.
Breakfast walnuts, strawberries, sweet corn
Lunch - sea bass and ratatouille
Dinner, lentils in umeboshi plum dressing, hard boiled egg, new potatoes from my garden, beetroot and mixed salad.

Thank you so much Linda and Kat for dropping by. I definitely will be better prepared for next weekend. Snacking sooooo compulsive. Had no idea I was such a snacker and Kat how right you are I am forcing myself to have a snack or treat just because I can!!! What's that all about
.i am still on course for my first 21 days and I am SO determined to change.

[lpearlmom]

Yay!! Sounds like a great well balanced (& yummy!) day for you!

Can't wait to see you at the 21 day club! What day are you on now? I think I have about 10 days to go!

[Hippy Dippy]

Hi, Tessy!
I enjoyed catching up on your daily posts and those of the other folks responding.

I, too, will have cravings during my S days--like ice cream sandwiches. My man keeps them in the freezer (where else-right?) and he has them during the week. He's a skinny--and can eat anything. Well, I'm fine with it 'cause I know I can eat it on the weekends. Same with the cake offerings at work--I know I can go to the store and buy what I want and eat it at home. And, like you all, the weekend comes around and I'm not craving the icecream or the cake...because it no longer is contraband? Odd. I did buy a single serving of lemon cake and ate half on Saturday and then the other half for breakfast on Sunday. By the way, that was too much sweet to have unaccompanied in my stomach, so followed it up with a turkey sandwich (better idea). Oops, I digress--the craving was not strong or even there...and I ate it because it was sanctioned for the Non-S days. And it wasn't as delicious as I had hoped or anticipated it to be. Kind of a bummer, really. But then, I guess we all can be happy that we are no longer feeling the urge to binge once we did start in on a sweet or "forbidden food".

Thanks for sharing, Ladies!! Very helpful and humor is good!

Miss Tessy--I've started doing something called "creative" pages or another word is "daily dialogue" pages--basically it is writing down your thoughts on a couple of pages daily--it's for your eyes only. And I write anything and everything that comes to mind. It's supposed to help you "dump" all those thoughts that run around your mind and keep you from feeling calm and in the moment. Also it is to help with opening your mind to be a more creative you. Whatever it is supposed to do, it does help me write down all my "stuff"--if I'm freaked out about my weight, about the squishy car tires...the boredom with work, the boredom being in a go to work, work, come home from work rut...how the flowers were gorgeous on my walk...my fears of not losing weight...my fears of what if I lost all the weight (i.e. all that money I spent on fat clothes.....), blah, blah, blah. It's a wonderful way to get all those thoughts and feelings OUT. And, I write stuff I am happy and grateful about. I find it helpful---maybe it might work for you to.

Thanks, Ladies!
Hippy Dippy

[Tessytwinkle]

Success

Breakfast - walnuts, sweet corn, blueberries, prunes
Lunch - home made lentil soup and homemade bread, nectarine
Dinner - potato salad, mixed salad, umeboshi lentils, beetroot and half egg and some blue cheese

I have had a tiring day, longest trip out since my operation. Visited one my friends and manaaged not to overeat. I made lunch for us both and managed to negotiate the offer of cake several times and stay green - phew!!
Linda, I am a little further on than you and 7 days to go to reach 21 - will be well proud if I make it. It took me weeks of failed attempts to even get day one under my belt. Was not until I started Habitcal and reached out to this community of support that I started to be able to manage it - thank you for your kind part in that vital support

Hippy dippy you are fun! I love your creative pages idea. I have never had a diary, this is the closest I have ever come to one! But I quite fancy the idea of a private space to creatively and/ or incoherently blather on, especially as I feel very strongly that I am in a time of real change I shall give it a go

Onwards and upwards

[lpearlmom]

Great job today! Getting closer to your 21st day. I know you can do it!

[Kittykat150]

Hey Tessy,
I remember your beginning posts and the terrible frustration with yourself. So glad you did not give up. You are well on your way.
Great progress! Keep it moving....
Kat

[May]

Glad to hear you're doing well after the operation.

Stay in the green

[Tessytwinkle]

Green day again although felt vulnerable to going off the rails. Felt really hungry this evening. Just hung on.
Breakfast - whole meal toast, marmite and one half toast honey.
Lunch - lentil soup, bread and a peach
Dinner- cheese and onion quiche, carrots, peas, broccoli and crispy potato.
Coffee cream and one sugar to get me through the evening. I never have cream and sugar in my coffee!! (But I think this is allowed, although made me feel very nervous and rather obsessive about having more food) I also felt that because I had this I had a red day and would have to start my 21 days all over again. I have now read the book and I think this is ok, but felt like I had failed somehow!

Feel low today, not sure why. Better day tomorrow I hope. I must keep going with this but today I felt like - my other self - was just hovering in the background waiting for me to slip and take over. Scary!! Feel like my efforts are still very fragile. I know this is early days but do not want my bingeing, desperate self back

Thank you for all of your kind words and support, Linda, Kat and Annie. Makes so much difference to me.

[lpearlmom]

Hang in there Tessy. There are sure to be some hard days. Sugar in coffee is fine. Remember this is your diet plan so it's really all about the rules you decide for yourself. The point is to have very firm boundaries so we're not eating nonstop or chaotically.

I've decided a little sugar in my coffee is fine so it doesn't warrant a red day. For someone else it may be a different story. Just do what makes sense for you & is going to be liveable.

Just remember in a couple days you can let loose and I hope you really do. You've earned it! Tomorrow will be better but good for you for sticking it out even through the rough days.

[Tessytwinkle]

Thanks Linda, good advice as always. I think I will have the odd coffee to tide me over at times.
Today much better, I feel much lighter although still getting very hungry by bed time.
Breakfast - walnuts, strawberries, cherry tomatoes from the garden, gooseberries and a cream cracker
Lunch - small bowl lentil soup, sweet corn and salmon, nectarine
Dinner, cheese and onion quiche and salad, strawberries

Roll on the weekend, just one more day to go. Determined to make it.

I have realised that in the past I have tended to pick and mix diets, taking a bit from here a bit from there. I read all about them then try a sort of hybrid version that never works. I do that with lots of things, i never follow a recipe completely i always fiddle about with it or read several different versions and cook a combination of them. this is ok with recipes but not i suspect diets. One of the things that I am trying very hard to do on this NoS plan is to really just trust that it will work. Follow It to the letter and just do vanilla, no mods or tweaks. Because as soon as i become involved with fiddling around with it i know i will mess it up as i always do, my diet head is too powerful. So for me this requires trust and patience and that may well be of more value to me than anything else.

[lpearlmom]

I totally understand what you're saying Tessy. I think that's the mistake I made before when I tried this. I wasn't very strict. I allowed the odd bite or lick of the knife when preparing dinner and one thing led to another. A sort of slippery slope I allowed myself to go & soon I wasnt really doing the plan anymore. Then when it didn't "work" I got frustrated and gave up.

This time I'm being very strict. Not even a crumb between meals. I allow sugar in my coffee but that's it. When I'm cooking I only allow two tastes for seasoning checks (I use a fork instead if a spoon).

I think maybe you should decide ahead of time what you want to allow as far as the coffee goes & be very strict about it. Maybe just one or two teaspoons of sugar a day otherwise it's a red day? Like a glass ceiling kind of thing.

Having very firm boundaries this time has really helped me so I definitely think you in the right frame of mind for this. I figure after a year of vanilla NoS I can decide then if I want to do any mods.

Glad today was better. Almost weekend--yay!

Linda

[tobiasmom]

You're doing great! One more day do you have something really yummy planned this weekend? That might help you get through tomorrow! I have my planned treat for Saturday in mind already

[lpearlmom]

I am thinking chocolate chip cookies on Sat & chocolate molten cakes on Sunday & large mochas both day. Oh and a chocolate peanut butter smoothie thrown in there somewhere! Can you tell I'm excited??!

I'm going to try eating my regular 3 meals plus an afternoon snack & eve dessert. I think that'll be much more satisfying than nibbling all day. What are you planning??

Linda

[clarebear]

Keep going Tessy!!

Just think, the difficulty you are feeling sometimes at the moment is nothing compared to how you'll feel if you give up. (which I know you won't as you are doing so well)

This is it now, a way to change your life and eating habits for good, just get through the next few weeks and it will become more second nature to you
Don't let the 'other you' beat you! I know exactly what you mean as I have had trouble with bingeing and not knowing when to stop

You can do it

[Tessytwinkle]

I put my faith in routine, routine, routine. Bombard the system with routine. Convince it the food is coming like clockwork. Moderate amounts that let the body get hungry consistently. A routine of experiences of true hunger and wonderful satiety

This is a quote i read on Reneew's thread from Oolala which I found completely inspirational. So much so I needed to copy it here to remind me in the future. Thank you Ooolala for you wonderful wise words.

[Tessytwinkle]

Friday dawns, I am nearly through the week. I must keep going. Woke in the night very hungry but did not eat phew!

Wow I am wishing i was over at your house this weekend Linda ! - yummy food planned. Enjoy, you so deserve it. So exciting. I am now planning my weekend, definitely cake and a fruit pie. Would love a packet of crisps and will indulge in milky sweet drink for breakfast. Maybe some ice cream with pie. I want to choose and enjoy, not fall on food like a demented ravening beast ! We'll see
Clarebear you are so right, I must not let 'the other' beat me. It has been the story of my life I am now rewriting the story

[Kittykat150]

Tessy,
The Judge in our heads, and the Victim are in partnership. It is a comfortable although destructive dynamic. Do not let the old voices sabotage you. Change is uncomfortable even when it is obviously for the best. You have a Warrior voice in there as well and she will win out! I love the quote to bombard yourself with routine. I remember many many years ago making the agreement to never eat after dinner. NEVER. Because I was a continuous snacker after the dinner dishes were done. And I stopped. Just like quitting smoking. It was agony for a while. I thought I would never stop wanting food at night. But now, I do not even consider it, I do not miss it, I do not want it...permanent change just happened somewhere along the way. Now I reflect about those changes whenever I feel I will die without a 3:00pm snack. Someday, I will not even think about a snack in between meals. And you won't either. Go Warriors!
Have a great weekend.
Kat

[Tessytwinkle]

Kat you are a wise woman. I shall look for the warrior within. I think maybe I can do this but I would be so amazed with myself if I could. My only experiences of dieting have been of failure. I really want to change my relationship with food. But I also have to lose weight for my health so I am praying that I can do both and I will need to be a warrior to do it and at least here I am in the right tribe
Today was a success, I am so delighted. Must now relax into the weekend.
Breakfast - whole sal toast and marmite one half slice honey
Lunch - fried smoked tofu and ratatouille, nectarine
Dinner - pasta, fresh tomato sauce, cheese, mushrooms.

Have a good weekend on and all.

[lpearlmom]

Yay! You did it!!! Enjoy your weekend. Your meals always look so yummy & wholesome. You're doing great.

[May]

Hi Tessy,

Keep going with NoS regardless of the obstacles and eventually we'll get to our destination.

Meanwhile enjoy your weekend.

[Tessytwinkle]

I have had a terrible day.

[Tessytwinkle]

I must forgive myself and move on tomorrow is a new day and I am not going to be defeated by myself!!!

[lpearlmom]

Sorry!!! It's ok though. It's an S day--you can't do it wrong.

*hugs* and hope tomorrow is more satisfying for you.

Linda

[jw]

Cheer up, Tessy, it's only terrible if it's a weekday -- on a Saturday, anything goes! No need to forgive yourself or beat yourself up -- it was allowed, no matter what it was.

[Tessytwinkle]

Well a much better day. Ate well and allowed myself treats, packet crisps, sweet drinks, snacks etc. felt very different from Saturday which was horrible and grim. I am looking forward to Monday and a return to noS for the week although challenging as there is a birthday. But hoping to negotiate it all. I really must do this. It feels like my last chance.
Thank you Linda for your kind words. They mean such a lot. And thank you JW for encouraging me. You're right anything goes, just wish I enjoyed it rather than felt crushed beneath it!! I never thought that S days would be the hardest bit. Crazy
Roll on next week and my first 21 days.

[wosnes]

Well a much better day. Ate well and allowed myself treats, packet crisps, sweet drinks, snacks etc. felt very different from Saturday which was horrible and grim. I am looking forward to Monday and a return to noS for the week although challenging as there is a birthday.

I don't know how you celebrate birthdays, but here's how I handle them -- including my own. I don't consider them an S day, but the birthday dinner is an S event. For that one meal I can do whatever I want, but the rest of the day is "N"ormal. If you go out or go to someone else's home, it's pretty self-limiting. If it's at your home, put a time restriction on it.

[lpearlmom]

Yay Tessy glad Sunday was better for you!! I think Wosnes plan sounds good. I'm sure you'll handle the bday okay but I'm guessing having some kind of plan will be key.

Yay for Monday!

[Tessytwinkle]

Many thanks Wosnes, I will put that in place. It will help to have a plan. We are at home so a time limited S event will work really well. But I will also see if I feel calm enough to just have my usual noS dinner - just birthday food but no dessert. That is my 21 st day the day of the birthday and I am determined to get there. As time goes by I am becoming clearer about how I want to be about food and about myself. It has taken me all of my life to reach this new path and at the moment I feel like each day brings me new insights. So we shall see, either feels right to me at the moment and that in itself is good Linda, as always, bless you for your support.

I have been compulsively weighing myself Saturdays and then Mondays and Wednesday. At first it looked like I had lost 5 lbs but that was then back on Monday. Then again this Saturday lost 5 lbs but now back on Monday!!! Mad so now think the next move for me is to stop weighing myself and just take life as it comes. I will have to be weighed at some point when I have my check ups after the operation. But for now I am completely liberating myself from the scales. This is my mod. No scales every couple of days. It feels utterly scary!!!! Like anything could happen as though my watching the scales for 40 years has somehow kept me safe. Which of course it has not. Quite opposite in fact. Anyway, here goes.

[jw]

I understand about compulsive weighing! I am tempted to peek, too. Did you notice in the BBC doc the one expert who said that the adrenaline rush at seeing success at the beginning of a diet was addictive, because we just want to keep getting that little hit? Well, the down side is when we eat something salty and see an overnight gain. Monthly weigh-ins for me now!

[lpearlmom]

Yeah I'm definitely not going to weigh myself. This is definitely a slow weight loss plan and I think jumping on the scale will be too discouraging in the beginning.

You were probably experiencing water retention from your S days & I'm guessing your sat weigh ins were more accurate. Just give it time & you will know when you're starting to lose weight by how your clothes fit. My clothes fit the same but I'm seeing cheekbones for he first time in forever so I know I'm on the right track!

My DH is a physician and he always says dont take a diagnostic test unless the results of those tests would cause you to take a different course of action. If they wouldn't then there's no point in taking a costly, time consuming & sometimes dangerous test. That's why I didn't have risky tests during my pregnancies & that's why I don't weigh myself.

No matter what he scale says I still want to continue with the vanilla NoS plan so there's no point in doing something that will probably just stress me out and that has the potential to completely derail me.

Sorry to go on such a long tangent but, obviously, I feel pretty strongly about this.

Linda

[Tessytwinkle]

Oh Linda. I agree!!! No scales feels very liberating and something i have never done before. I am only just realising what a slave to the scales i have been and how much heartache and despair this has given me. Your DH sounds very wise and I totally agree with his approach. Somehow I have gotten into strange habits about food and weighing. But that is truly changing. I have never felt so determined and so confident. I think in the past my energy and commitment has been to directed solely to lose weight. Whereas this for me is now about changing my life. So weight loss although desirable becomes a secondary aim. The fundamental change is in myself.

Good solid green day today. Still catching myself reaching for little snacks. But these times are rarer

Break - walnuts, plums, tomatoes and raw carrots from garden
Lunch - lentil soup, whole meal bread, fruit salad ( strawberries and melon) did not have seconds of soup although very yummy!
Dinner - cheese omelette with salad.

[lpearlmom]

Yay Tessy!! Thank you for indulging my preachiness! You sound like you have your priorities in the right place.

I definitely find myself reaching for lil nibbles on Mondays just carrying over from S days.

Great way to start your week. Keep up the good work!

L

[Hippy Dippy]

Tessy and Linda:

I agree with the scale thing...it does get compulsive...and depressing. I'm trying to stay off of it to once a week on Wednesdays and then get to where it'll be once a month. I'm going on a month and half into Vanilla No S. I've basically been at the down 2-2.5 pounds and remained there. I've started re-reading the book, and read that our guy was down 20 pounds in 2 months. Why cannot I be that successful? Geez--I've got 50 pounds to lose. Yes, I'm impatient. Ahh, well. I'm in it for the long haul.

And, I was going to try doing the Atkins with No S, but to be honest, couldn't handle the restriction and it did NOT feel right. So, my next tactic is to reduce my dinner sizes. I tend to eat a lot and think I could stand to reduce the portions.

So, Ladies, you both sound like you're making great strides. It just is hard to get past the old diet mentality of lose fast, and lose a lot. :

Hippy Dippy

[Tessytwinkle]

Failure. Only 1 day away from my 21 days and I have stumbled badly. In a way I could feel it coming at the weekend.
Today started badly. I got caught up in things. Did not sit down a quietly enjoy my breakfast. Ate it while I cooked food for later. Was not sure where breakfast began and ended. Then lunch with a friend. Then off to the doctors felt anxious. By dinner time I was overtired and had lost my focus food wise. My son came to stay i cooked nice food and then I just kept eating... Grrrrrrrrr so grumpy with myself. But it had to happen. I cannot overturn a lifetime of bad eating in less than a month. So back to square one on the 21 days challenge!!

Lessons for me. I must not eat on the hoof! I must keep my focus for now until this all becomes second nature.

[weagl860]

Sorry you had a rough day with food. You'll do better and feel better tomorrow. Remember, it's not what you did, it's what you do now!

[jw]

You had 20 solid green days! That's an achievement, Tessy! Don't discount all those successes because of one off day --

[carolynz]

20 solid green days is amazing, thank you for sharing your challenges.

As an aside, just today at work my co-worker was saying how she was getting rid of her scale. She thinks she is letting it ruin her mood on a daily basis.

You are doing great and I agree with jw, don't let one day throw you off!

Cheers,
Carolyn

[lpearlmom]

Oh no Tessy! I'm so sorry but do not let this derail you.

Honestly I think you should just swap it for the S day you were thinking of taking for the bday and call it a wash. You may have just been subconsciously sabatoging yourself or something but just keep moving forward. You have done wonderfully & one day can't ruin all your hard work.

*hugs* tomorrow is a new day!

Linda

[May]

So far, I have never been able to complete NoS 21 days in a row, not even close to 20 days

But I think as long as I have mostly green days and very few red days on my Habitcal, I should be ok.

Just mark the red day and move on. Tomorrow is a brand new day. You can do it.

[lpearlmom]

Yay Tessy--great attitude! You really should be proud of yourself. I noticed even on Reinhard's sample check in, he had a red day so I think it's just par for the course.

Even though I'm focusing on the 21 day thing right now, I'm really thinking in terms of doing this for one year and re-evaluating things if necessary. I'm fully expecting to have some red days along the way but just going to keep on going just as you are.

Linda

[Tessytwinkle]

Goodness where would I be without you all. Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement. I really needed to hear them as it all felt familiar and lonely yesterday. So I have picked myself up and will start again tomorrow on my 21 days challenge. I really need goals to aim for. But like Linda. Although 21 days is good I am also in it for the year. I must give this a chance, and it is great to take this journey in such good company.
Today I decided to do as an S day. I think Wosnes' advice about having an S event is really valuable and will try this in the future. But after yesterday I was too strung out to try to manage myself. Instead I had a lovely day cooking for a birthday dinner
Red onion and goats cheese tart, salad and sauté potatoes, followed by home made fresh cherry frangipani tart and vanilla sauce. Plus sparkling wine. Was all yummy and I enjoyed it without excess. Tomorrow I start again on noS and no scales. Am feeling much stronger. So here goes
Tessy

[Hippy Dippy]

Hello, Miss Tessy!

I second and thirds everyone on here: you're doing fine and don't let a little thing mess with you!

I had at least one RED day each week of my first 21 days. No kidding!! It's all a learning process, one I have struggles with, too.

And I know I'm impatient on the losing amount, but I'm in it for the long term, just like you and Linda and Annie. As I've noted elsewhere on the blogs, I'm re-reading Reinhard's book, and some successful folks took a year to lose 12 pounds and still stuck with it to lose over 20 pounds total. I'd like it faster, but it is that dratted old diet mentality. Boy, did they ever mess with us!!!

Yes, as an old saying goes: Failure is not falling down, it is refusal to get up. So, we'll just keep getting back up!!

Hippy Dippy

[Tessytwinkle]

Today I am back on the green phew!! It was hard going. Still got some lovely cherry frangipani pie left that everyone was eating. I did the old trick of saying never mind I can start again tomorrow. Just have a piece and when it's gone you will start over and do it better. Aaa argh!! But still I held on and did not have any and the intense craving finally passed.
Break - walnuts, sweet corn, peach, plums
Lunch- lentil soup, salad
Dinner, aubergine roast with garlic, pumpkin seeds and parsley, roast beetroot, sauté potatoes and broccoli

Hippy dippy you are spot on. I just need to be very very patient. Not something I am known for food wise. Hmmmm, life lesson stuff
Tessy

[carolynz]

(it all sounds really delicious!)

[lpearlmom]

Yay glad ypu hung there today! Boy your dinner does sound good!

[Kittykat150]

Hi Tessy,
I have been off the boards this week and am just catching up on you all. I am sorry you missed your twenty-one days. But as someone who already reached the twenty-one days, it does not make you immune to RED. It is certainly a great milestone and goal, but in perspective, what you are accomplishing OVERALL is success. And your mental and emotional strength is growing in leaps and bounds away from sick-diet-head-mentality. This is a marathon not a sprint. In low times it helps me to re-read my daily check-in from the beginning to put my progress in perspective. Keep up the good work ...and laughing never hurts.
Peace and love,
Kat

[Tessytwinkle]

Success!! This was a struggle today. I was feeling really tired all day. I think it is because I have started doing some work at home ready to go back to work in a week or two and it is tiring me out. Still recovering from my op. plus walked for 30 mins. So feel desperate for a quick pick me up. But resisted all day. Tough though.
Thanks folks for dropping by and supporting me. We all need each other. That is what has kept me going. Kat Good idea about retreading your own thread to see where you have come from. I have definitely grown stronger. Maybe not in a new habit yet but very close. And yes laughter and fun is essential for a good life
Break - walnuts, tomatoes, plums and blueberries
Lunch- smoked salmon and cheese on toast
Dinner - potato, runner beans and fried eggs, very basic as I was tired out today

The weekend beckons and that last slice of frangipani tart

[lpearlmom]

Yay Tessy! You had a green day & exercised. Great job! Sorry you're feeling sluggish and I hope you have a full recovery soon.

Just keep plugging away & before you know it, this will become an engrained habit. I remember how I used to be really bad about remembering to floss till a few years ago I really forced myself to do it daily, no exceptions. It was a struggle at first but now if I don't floss, I just don't feel right and it's pretty much an effortless part of my day. Soon that's what these habits will start to feel like for us or so at least the theory goes.

Enjoy your weekend!

Linda

[Tessytwinkle]

It's funny in the week I am so pleased if I can say I have I succeeded at noS. on the weekends I just feel rather defeated by myself. I am thinking I need to try and make my weekends as much like. Week days as possible but if I have something then that is ok. But gonna try and stop seeking out sweets and cake as this is making me depressed and feel out of control and i hate it. Sugar should not have such a powerful place in my life.

On a happy note my carrots are ready in the garden, and my plums and tomatoes are nearly ready to eat:-). I love the gifts I get from my garden. So why waste time on empty sugar laden calories what a bird brain I am

[lpearlmom]

Sorry Tessy! Maybe try a different approach tomorrow & see if that works better for you. I woke up this morning & immediately started snacking on leftover Chinese food straight from the containers. Then when I was driving my kids around I snacked on pretzels & couldn't seem to stop. I was like "oh this is not going to end well" so tossed the bag to where I couldn't reach them.

Amazing to me how differently I seem to eat without definite guidelines. I'm wondering if I should try something like 3 plates plus two dessert sized plates in between the meal for sweets or snacks or whatever I want. That way ill satisfy some cravings without feeling totally out of control. May give it a go tomorrow.

Your garden sounds wonderful. So jealous as I can't even keep a simple houseplant alive!

Tomorrow will be better!

Linda

[jw]

You are doing so well -- why be hard on yourself for eating sugary desserts on S days, Tessy? Only a few short weeks ago, we were all overdoing sweet treats seven days a week! Having five sweet-free days a week is a huge improvement. I usually make it a point to do a little shopping expedition on Saturday, just to select the sweet(s) that will make the S days special. (This week it was croissants and dark orange-almond chocolate, so that I could approximate pain au chocolat.) Otherwise, I am afraid I will be setting myself up for a binge somewhere down the line! I love my N day meals, but I am learning that moderation in all things -- even in self-discipline -- is the key!

[Tessytwinkle]

Woke up this morning and though lighten up girrrrrrl

JW you are so right. Easy to forget I was out of control 7 days a week before!! I need to take care of my inner beastie, love her and nourish her and most important learn to live with her. Saturdays let out of her cage she is particularly wild!! But she can be tamed. I know that now.

Linda. Pretzels are sooooo snackable hope your new plan works.

It's funny. We are all doing so well but it is feeling out of control that undermines us so badly. Not what we have eaten. Which probably makes little difference.
I somehow need to capture that feeling of control and safety that a good noS day gives me on an S day whilst also enjoying my treats! Bit of a challenge. But if I forget it is about food ( my main weakness) and just see it as a challenge. Me versus my inner sugar beastie. I should have more fun
So here goes.

[lpearlmom]

Glad you have things in perspective Tessy!

The rest of my day went fine so not going to try any kind of rules just yet. I'm pretty sure I just need to let off a bit of steam on the weekends and if I go a little overboard sometimes, so be it. But it just never feels good to be out of control unless we are giving ourselves permission to do so.

Hope Sunday goes well!

Linda

[Tessytwinkle]

Nibble, nibble, nibble, snack, snack, snack, snack........ Phew glad that's over! roll on Monday

[clarebear]

Hahaha this made me laugh, I did exactly the same!
Waaaa so glad it's Monday!

[Tessytwinkle]

Success, just! Had flapjack packet in my hand for a long time and in my mind for even longer but I resisted so a good result I suppose, although can still hear the siren call of the flapjack downstairs in the cupboard even though I am in bed!!!
Breakfast - walnuts, tomato and carrots and plums from the garden - yum. I am loving my breakfast at the moment.
Lunch - tomato and garlic bread mixed salad
Dinner - mushroom stroganoff. Rice, Calabrese and blackberries. Stroganoff I made was horrible! Hence flapjack obsession I suspect as was still hungry.
Still it is a green day even if somewhat wobbly at times

[carolynz]

Nibble, nibble, nibble, snack, snack, snack, snack........ Phew glad that's over! roll on Monday :)

too funny, and so familiar. Looks like you are doing good!

[lpearlmom]

Glad you had a green day! Dont you hate when you end up not liking whats on your plate? I've thought about takin it off an replacing the empty spot w something better but was worried I'd be going down a slippery slope w that maneuver.

Great job resisting your flapjacks! Something to look forward to next weekend?

Linda

[Kittykat150]

Tessy,
You would shake your head at me this weekend....snack, snack, snack, cake-a-thon. My birthday can sometimes be celebrated for the entire month of August. But I did enjoy it. And tried to laugh about it. I see you are laughing too. Good for us! Serious about the habits, not so serious about the Beastie. Don't want to give her too much power. We have come so far and there is no rush. When you put that flapjack packet away I pictured you smiling and wagging your finger at the beastie like you would at a pet you caught sneaking into the cupboard for a snack. No, no, no..!..Enjoy a peaceful,week.
Kat

[Tessytwinkle]

Oh dear the beastie won I held her off for a day but she was right there waiting for me when I woke up this morning! And because I am tired and scared about going to the doctors for my op check up on Thursday in case it has not worked, and because I know she will ask if I am losing weight when I can feel that I am not yet, and because i am panicked about going back to work very soon but without these good habits in place yet - because of all these things I succumbed to the flapjacks ( yes more than one!) and then went right off the rails
I want to revisit this post in the future to remind myself. It did not taste good after the first desperate bites, I did not feel any happier or safe or more confident. I just felt defeated and low.
So, what can I do? Dust myself off, face the next few days and try to stay green. Others have done it before me and my lovely support network are doing it alongside me. There can be no better time for me to sort this out. Just got to convince the Beastie that this is the only way forward

[jw]

Oh dear! It's hard to have food you love lying around in the cupboards, waiting for the weak moment that is bound to come. It's also hard to be "good" when you are worried and used to fending off worries with treats. But you are capable of change -- don't let one slip derail you.

My doc also told me to lose weight -- I was on prednisone for 3 months late 2012/early 2013 for a retinal infection, ate like there was no tomorrow, and gained 30 pounds almost overnight. Luckily, my 6-month checkup in June was good so I could start on damage control.

You have already started damage control with No S. I hope your news will also be good, Tessy -- in any case, you are focusing on health and good habits first, weight loss second with No S. I can't imagine your doctor could disapprove of that!

[lpearlmom]

*hugs* don't give up.

Remember traditional diets are not a long term solution and just leave us feeling obsessed with food and with no idea how to eat. If you run back to traditional diets you will end up back in that nightmare & possibly heavier than you are now.

If you stay with NoS, the very least that will happen is you will have sanity & peace with food and stay the same weight you are now. At best you will have sanity and slow but steady weightloss that will never come back.

I just mention this because I worry with all the pressure from your doc, you may feel pressure to try something more drastic. Also, despite what doctors would have us believe, losing weight does not necessarily solve all our health problems. I don't know your specific issues so I could be wrong, but if you haven't read The Diet Myth by Paul Campos, I highly recommend it.

Hang in there. It will get easier and hoping for the best for you.

Linda

[Kittykat150]

Good luck with the post-op check Tessy. That is the most important thing. As for the flapjacks....you'll beat 'em next time. Just remember that they didn't thrill you as anticipated, and they didn't make you feel any better. Strong lessons from failures.
I felt that way after some of the birthday cake failures this month. It seems that eating when I am not hungry diminishes the enjoyment of the food tenfold. And a cheap treat is like an empty promise.
Stay strong.
Kat

[Hippy Dippy]

Hey Miss Tessy!

Don't you worry. You'll get right back up. I just posted that today isn't over and I've already FAILED by eating a muffin. Well, I don't feel guilty. Only a tad disappointed in myself, but not by much. And, I'm back in the game for the rest of the day. You can be, too!

And don't let your doctor bully you, either directly or indirectly. Society is too obsessed with weight as an indicator of health. Not true, and doctors are just going with the status quo. Let's all realize that back in the 40's and 50's Doctors were smoking and prescribing cigarettes for anxiety or whatever. And whole eggs used to be BAD, but now are back in the "healthy" list.

When it comes to health, it is best to look at it wholly: sure, you can check weight, but then there's measurements, there's blood pressure, and there's blood sugar levels, lipids, etc. I knew a way skinny girl, but her body weight to fat ratio was worse than mine (absolutely no muscle). And, when I was training for a marathon, at 175 pounds mind you, my blood pressure was low and my lipids fabulous. Besides, I can drag anyone's unconscious butt out of a burning building if needed. Those skinny girls couldn't.

So, you will be fine. I've got the vibes out there for you!!

Hippy Dippy

[Tessytwinkle]

Hooray, I'm back in the green zone.
You are all so supportive, JW, Linda, Kat and Hippy dippy, it just makes everything seem possible, thank you , thank you thanks for the book tip Linda I will try to find it. Hippy dippy I hope if I am ever in a burning building you are here to drag me out!! Kat you are so on the button, we are learning strong lessons from failures. JW - we can do this and lose weight, patience needed by me huh!

Anyway, I had a good day today felt determined and so encouraged by you all.
Doctor tomorrow but I am feeling strong and don't worry Linda I shall stay on track. I am a vanilla noS girlie now and I am determined to try and stay that way! Better healthy and at peace with food than lose weight, obsess and gain it all back plus a little extra I do need to lose weight but I have decided to trust those that have gone before me, Be patient and focus on getting my habits sorted, so I must stay strong, keep my cool and tame the beastie - no pressure then
Breakfast - walnuts, plums, tomato carrots and a peach
Lunch - marmite sandwich and raspberries
Dinner - Glamorgan cheesy rolls, fruit

[lpearlmom]

Yay Tessy! You're so positive & have such a great attitude. You are really on the right track!

Hippy dippy said what I was trying to say but said it so much better.

Best of luck with our appt tomorrow!

Linda

[clarebear]

glad you're feeling more positive now Tessy
Keep going, you can do this

[okbyxmas]

Tessy, I just read through your posts and honestly it sounds to me like you're doing better than you think you are. In reading it all at once two things really stuck out to me that might not have if I was reading it one post a day.

1. You are so much more comfortable and secure during No S days when the guidelines are clear and set out. You said it yourself so of course you're aware of this, I know. Have you considered planning your S days out before they happen? So even though you're eating treats and sugary things you've planned in advance how many and when. You still get the treats but set within some boundaries that keep you from feeling like you're a wild boar in a forest full of truffles.

2. FLAPJACKS! Just reading about them made me giggle a little because I didn't really know what they were and had to google them, then I was reminded of a Broons comic I read where Pa spilled or poured the leftover breakfast oatmeal in a drawer and just cut pieces out of it after it had set. They definitely sound like a trigger food for you and having them in the house seems like a recipe for red days.

I hope I don't sound obnoxious. I just see how determined you are and want to help!

[jw]

Hoping your visit to the doctor today brought you good news, Tessy!

[Tessytwinkle]

Well I've had a bit of a day! Saw the doctor, she is happy overall about my op, thinks it was successful, so that was brilliant wants me to to back to work slowly as I am still healing and still so tired, reduced hours - nice thought but won't be possible. I don't have that kind of job.

Weight wise, well here's the thing. I have lost no weight at all. I started a month ago at 208 lbs I am still that weight . So bit of a low point there, and generally feeling a bit sorry for myself. I am still grieving deeply for the loss of my dear friend, My anxiety about returning to work in a couple of weeks is now pretty high, and I feel tired and frustrated with my body and my health.
Phew well that's all out in the open now. I will just keep plugging away. If anyone new is reading this I will lose weigh I am sure. Just need to be patient. Haven't even made it to 21 days yet so lots to play for.

Oh yes, forgot to add today was a failure. Made it through the day then could not stop my inner beastie who was feeling in particular need of a comfort blanket ( major snackathon!) and decided salted roasted macadamia nuts were essential to life - and maybe they just are - only kidding

Starting another attempt at 21 days tomorrow, off on holiday Saturday for a final week of peace, miles from everything. Time to reflect, eat well and do some walking. It will be good to get away before I start work.

Thanks for all your kind words everyone. Really it's only you lovely people and a tiny bit of willpower that are keeping me on track at the moment. Thank you. Okbyxmas, thanks for giving me the longer view. You are right some planning f S days might be good, Linda, I know you are now doing this. I shall try, but just thrashing around blindly at the moment! I will settle.
Tessy