I love you all - thanks for the outpouring of support and also the kindred spirit-sharing!
Jen - I seem to have a very limited ability to socialize comfortably, lol.
Pinkie - I do think I'm going to ask my dentist about if there's anything he can do to cover up those broken enamel spots. I'm not sure why this is something I feel like I really need to fix, whereas my gray hair I'm determined to forge ahead with.....
Octavia - Let me know when you finish writing that book on aging.
anything which causes mental friction will tire our minds and can contribute to those nasties, anxiety and depression.
You have nailed what is going on with me!!! I guess I should look up Dr. Luciani's book! Update - not only did I find one, but "Unlearning" just came out in April and is FREE on Kindle Unlimited!
I just downloaded it. Also, I noticed he has a book called "Thin from Within" (catchy title...)
Friday, July 3
124.4 pounds
Eating
B: coffee w/cream
L: yogurt w/berries
D: chicken in bone broth, cheese, avocado
dessert: ice cream bar
Last night I lay awake for over an hour having some negative thoughts. Some of them were fear-related (will something happen at work that causes me to be pilloried or publically shamed; did I leave the fan too directly on the dog's kennel); some were anger/disgust (why don't I cook more for my family; why am I not making more content for my website; why have I been so lazy this week). Overall, not good.
One thing that I need to get back to is my self-imposed media isolation. I am convinced that much of modern humanity's ills are due to hearing about problems that are completely outside of our locus of control. It's not natural for me to remain ignorant on a topic that a lot of other people know many details about, but it is in the best interest of my mental health. I generally have been pretty good about staying away from news and politics, but recent events have pulled even me into reading news articles. I'm taking the time to document here that I am NOT going to look up articles anymore.
My school is making a 15% cut, and many people are losing their jobs. At the same time, many people are getting promoted or moved around. And some new positions even added. Each of these decisions leaves room for wondering about the motives of the decision-makers. I would like to stay out of the conversations with co-workers about the ins and outs of these changes. On the other hand, I would like to make a card for a longtime co-worker that has lost her job. In that respect, I can behave morally and due something within my locus of control, but avoid the pointless discussions of why certain people were let go, etc.
This is my goal, and I hope that by writing it here I can make progress toward keeping my vision on the actual people in my life, my own neighborhood, and those that I encounter in my day-to-day life.
I want to remind myself of what really matters to me in this short life on this earth:
*my family
*feeding my family
*caring for my home and pets
*walking/hiking, gardening, being outside
*reading, studying
*teaching, caring for my students
That's really my whole list of top things in life. As I look at it, I see that I am a very .... quietly-living person. Perhaps a little boring by some people's standards. But in the routine of daily living I find a simple joy. I'd like to focus on these simple things of day to day living this summer.
Oh, and an update on yogurt-making. Every yogurt batch I've made so far has been perfect.....until yesterday's! What I did (as an experiment) was stir and then allocate out the yogurt into containers BEFORE it had been cooled (after incubating). I had read to never do this, but of course I had to test it. Well, sure enough, this batch is lumpy! A bad texture! Whereas if I let the large container cool and gel in the fridge, then stir and allocate, the yogurt is perfectly smooth and creamy. Guess I like to learn the hard way.
During lockdown there seems to be no incentive to be anything other than my natural self, and I really don’t like that natural self, even though I should! Cue existential crisis! It shouldn’t matter, but those moments of slight sadness/disappointment when looking in the mirror (followed by the mental wrangling about whether one should care or not) do add up. Dr Joe Luciani (whose books I mentioned before) has a very good term, ‘mental friction’ - anything which causes mental friction will tire our minds and can contribute to those nasties, anxiety and depression. I’m certainly more aware of the amount of mental friction going on in my head and how damaging it is. Even seemingly superficial stuff like the reflection in the mirror. Anyway, today I’m going to stop trying to feel OK as I am, because it’s not working. I think I might go off to do some vain stuff! 
This inner conflict over self-acceptance and wanting to change...I wish some wise woman would write a book on it.
I ate 2 pieces.
I think all these lockdowns and rules have reduced their quality of life so much. Is living longer but living sadder/blander worth it? On the bright side, they both seem to be well physically. 
Thank goodness she was OK! This puts a recent experience of mine into fresh perspective...our cat, code name Fluffy Bottom, started stalking a little hedgehog in the garden. I was in a total panic! The spines, the spines! But they are hardly porcupine quills. Your critters are definitely more scary than ours. 
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