Sammy's Daily Check In

[Sammybunny711]

S DAY

W: 229 (still hovering)

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: Steak n Shake Frisco Melt with cheese fries (so bad for me, but we have so much stress right now I don't care)

S: a little rice krispee treat and a packet of dried apple chips (no sugar added)

D: half a bowl of cheese tortellini with red sauce and shaved parmesan + red pepper flakes + 1 apple + 1 garlic knot + a shot of creamed spinach (Which I loathe, but I was trying to set a good example, lol)

A: 1 serving Honey Whiskey

This morning, we're heading to the house we're trying to buy to meet a painter, our contractor, and a hardscaper yo figure out estimates for all the work that must be done. I'm nervous as hell. I'm so scared it's all going to cost too much for us to take it on.

All the house stuff was...a LOT. We were there for HOURS going over all that needed to be done with a contractor, a painter, and a hardscaper (sounds like the set up for a joke). We're starting to think this might be too much to take on, but we'll have to see what the estimates are and also what the seller is willing to do price-wise. If we can get her down low enough, this could still work out.

We are putting our own house up for sale on Monday and that is WILD. There is a world in which this house sells and we're not in our next house yet. Thankfully, my mother in law with early-onset Alzheimer's is not living in her house anymore and we haven't sold hers yet. So worst comes to worst, we can live in her house for a bit, but it's in another city, so it would create a huge commute for us until we could get into the next house.

SO MUCH STRESS. And also...still family horribleness going on and work stuff heating up with spring semester rocketing toward graduation weekend (Which means I have lots of events to put on). I am...trying to listen to Disney music and just zone out right now.

[pinkhippie]

You have so much going on right now! I hope things calm down for you soon. I feel much the same as you, like Im not really ok, but I have to keep on going as there is no alternative.

I hope you were able to enjoy your S day and that the estimates were in your price range!

Do you get Spring Break? At my community college next week is Spring Break and everything calms down for a week.

[Sammybunny711]

Thanks, Pink. At my college where I work, only students and faculty get spring break, and it was a couple of weeks ago. But it was nice to have my building to myself then, haha. I wish I could take a solid month off work. But I can't. I'm sorry you feel like you're not okay. I DO understand and I empathize. I hope for everyone who's struggling, life calms down a bit.

So with the estimates, we won't get them until Wednesday most likely. Then we'll need to seriously look at a cost reduction on this place because it needs a TON of work. Like, a TON. It's a historic house built in the 1930s and the owner has done nothing to fix problems. Just slapped bandaid fixes on things. So... We have to make sure we cna afford to take it on, lol. Not an easy decision.

[Sammybunny711]

S DAY

W: 229.4

B/S: from scratch blueberry pancakes (3) + sugar free syrup

L/S: from scratch blueberry pancakes (3) + sugar free syrup + most of a banana

A: Seagrams Escapes drink (a single can)

S: A tiny amount of cookies and cream ice cream with my daughter

D/S: (I had seconds) 2 beef empanadas that my husband cooked, medium hot salsa + corn chips + spicy pickled okra + a bit of guacamole

S: air popped popcorn with flavoring oil with my husband while we watched an Akira Kurosawa film

Today, I'm feeling weak. I am exhausted. I am so tired. I wish I could follow intuitive and mindful Eating to lose my weight. But I know my boundaries around food are solid and necessary. I'm just feeling weak today and that's okay. Today, I don't have to like it. I just have to do it.

I am so tempted to go back to the Geneen Roth eating guidelines today. But I honestly think it's just that I want to EAT. I don't feel satisfied today. I want to eat everything in sight.

I ended up eating a whole lot today, but I didn't break rules and it feels good to be able to say that. Definitely had more Ses than usual, but I am happy with my choices and I know some days, you're just hungrier than others.

[Amy3010]

Well done on sticking to what you know you need to do, even if you really didn't feel like it!

[Sammybunny711]

F DAY

W: 229.2

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: Chicago Dog Bowl: 2 beef hot dogs + white onion + pepperoncini peppers + bell peppers + pickles + relish + air fried potatoes + celery salt

Afternoon Snack: dill pickle chips, dill pickles, 1 beef stick

D: apple, spicy pickled okra, 1 beef empanada, salsa, some corn chips

Tentatively, we are putting our current home up for sale today. I'm so impatient, I just want to get it going. No word yet. Ahhhhhh. Yesterday was a more restful day and I'm so thankful. Today, I've tried to get some work done, but I am BEAT still. I'm so tired.

I have definitively changed my goal weight to 140. After scouring photos of myself at that weight, good enough is GOOD ENOUGH. I don't have to weigh what I weighed when we got married (125) to be successful with my weight loss journey. Getting down to 140 would STILL be a weight loss of 102.4 pounds which is THOROUGHLY difficult enough in its own right. I am not going to give up. I'm going to start being MUCH stricter about my meals at home. They should be down to 1 plate or 1 bowl + a bowl of veggies/fruit. I've been lax on that requirement for sure.

So tired. OMG. I just want to go home and do nothing. But daughter has gymnastics tonight. At least during gymnastics, I have an hour to sit and do whatever I want.

I've been dealing with binge urges for three days, so I reached out to my dietitian for help. She recommended I allow an afternoon snack on days I'm experiencing lots of binge urges and food noise. I agreed with her, so my new food boundaries look like this:

1) N Days - I eat 3 meals + 1 snack if needed
2) S Days - I can enjoy S treats as long as I'm with family or friends
3) I can only eat fast food if I'm with at least 1 other adult
4) At home, I eat according to the Healthy Plate

So really the only thing that changed was what N days look like. This is a hard rule for me to shift, because I want so desperately to lose weight. But shutting up food noise and being sane around food is ALWAYS my top priority. So I'm going to go for this and report to my dietitian on April 6th how it's going.

Sure enough, the afternoon snack (which included a food I was craving) did shut up the food noise and the binge urge. My dietitian knows her stuff. I'm going to work hard at food sanity. There's an old 12 Stepper saying: Focus on your recovery and you'll lose the weight. Focuse on the weight and you'll lose your recovery. I'm not strictly in OA anymore, but those folks do know their stuff sometimes.

My ULTIMATE goal with eating is to eventually get to where I am following my OWN rules and my OWN inner body cues. I want to follow hunger/fullness cues and eat intuitively. But! I know that's the Advanced Course. I'm in the preliminary courses right now and I know that's going to take time, but that is my ultimate graduate level goal with eating and food.

[Amy3010]

I think that is where we all want to end up eventually - not having to think about all of this so much and be able to trust our own body's wisdom...

[Sammybunny711]

I think that is where we all want to end up eventually - not having to think about all of this so much and be able to trust our own body's wisdom...

Yes!! This exactly. I don't want to have "systems" forever.

[Sammybunny711]

N DAY

W: 230.4

Arg. I have basically just maintained all of March and that is a bummer. I'm happy I'm not actively gaining weight, but it's still hard.

B: Atkins shake + 6 peanut butter crackers

L: fish sticks + hot sauce + sour cream and onion Pringles + apple + spicy pickled okra. (definitely a large comfort meal, but I don't care. See reasons below)

D:

I am feeling very nervous about the addition of an afternoon snack. But I do trust my dietitian more than I trust myself and she has my very best interests at heart. Plus she's amazing and we've been working together for a long time. I did some research: an afternoon snack can help with hunger and make it so that you eat less at dinner. It is also helpful to pack in more nutrition into your day. I'm going to give it an earnest try and see how it goes.

I am feeling HORRIBLE about having that snack yesterday. I feel like I caved in to the binge pressures. Even though it wasn't a binge and even though my dietitian said it was alright, I feel like I broke my boundaries. I don't feel good about it. I feel terrible. But I can't decide if snubbing the afternoon snack is orthorexic, or just discipline. I feel very confused and unsure about what to do. I want to be a normal eater and I know even normal eaters have snacks. But I am just...deflated today. My stress is maxed out today and I am feeling so beaten down by life that I'm not sure what to do about my food boundaries.

I stuck to my boundaries all through February and early March when stress was also at an all-time high. Maybe yesterday I was just weak? Maybe I should just mark it red and move on and continue with my original food boundaries? I texted my therapist about this. We'll see what she says. I feel like I am a horrible boundary breaker. UGH.

Around 10:05am this morning, we had MORE parent drama happen and I ended up sobbing while on the phone with my husband while trying to hide form coworkers. THEN my boss still caught me crying. I couldn't take it anymore. I left work and took the rest of the day off.

I'm in a bit of a becoming-an-atheist part of my life right now and honestly, if I still fervently believed in God, I would be looking skyward and shouting, WHAT THE ACTUALL F**CK??? It's a lot. It's MORE stress on top of an already excruciatingly difficult time in our life and I am having a REALLY hard day. I feel like some witch has hexed us.

I was able to quickly chat with my therapist about the snack yesterday and she pointed out that it didn't make me feel good emotionally and that I can just gently pivot right back onto my original food boundaries. So I have. I can't be f*cking myself up emotionally right now, so I'm clinging to my original food boundaries today. And it's helping bring some calm into the midst of this heavy, difficult, emotional parent crisis that just keeps getting worse and worse.

[WINhappy]

Hi sammy - Two things (at least to start! ) I completely understand how hard it is to feel proud that you've "just" maintained in March. AND wow, you maintained in March! That's fantastic! You've been under so much stress, kept soldiering on, and STILL kept focus on your goals and health, even to the point of discussing options with your dietician and implementing a change. That is FANTASTIC! I can sense the weight of all the stress you've been under in your posts. You are doing an AMAZING job with life in general. Keeping your head above water for the time being is a completely worthy goal and a huge achievement. Priority number one is to maintain your physical health and avoid burning out completely from stress. Additional weight loss can and WILL happen in time, especially since you're doing so well managing your habits. Keep posting here so we can keep rooting for you. All the best, WIN

[Sammybunny711]

Hi sammy - Two things (at least to start! ) I completely understand how hard it is to feel proud that you've "just" maintained in March. AND wow, you maintained in March! That's fantastic! You've been under so much stress, kept soldiering on, and STILL kept focus on your goals and health, even to the point of discussing options with your dietician and implementing a change. That is FANTASTIC! I can sense the weight of all the stress you've been under in your posts. You are doing an AMAZING job with life in general. Keeping your head above water for the time being is a completely worthy goal and a huge achievement. Priority number one is to maintain your physical health and avoid burning out completely from stress. Additional weight loss can and WILL happen in time, especially since you're doing so well managing your habits. Keep posting here so we can keep rooting for you. All the best, WIN

Thank you SO much for this encouragement, WIN. I definitely needed some today. My husband and I are so stressed that we're basically perpetually frustrated and prickly with each other right now, so I was drowning in a need for some kind words this morning. I appreciate it so much!! And you're right. I have kept fighting and soldiering on despite some insane life stress. And I know things are going to improve with time. It's just hard right now and it's okay to be sad that things are hard. But I know I'm doing great with my habits and that is definitely something to be proud of!!

[Soprano]

Sammy you are doing brilliantly!

Maintenance is nothing to be miserable about. It will stand you in good stead for the future.

Don't ever think about the fact you've failed. You haven't, you can't fail, it's a journey to better habits and you need to learn from each situation.

There is a lot of advice I'd like to give you but you have someone who knows you so much better doing that. If she advocates for having a snack then do it.

Just remember you might not need a snack every day and it's ok not to have one too. Just don't have a mental fight with yourself over it.

You have so much stress at present you need to give yourself a break sometimes.

Jx

Rooting for you!!

Jx

[Sammybunny711]

Thank you, Soprano!!! I chatted owth my therapist too and she pointed out that I didn't feel good about having had the snack, so pivoting right back to my original food boundaries was perfectly okay and understandable. Thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.