Jennifer's check-in

Jennifer · Post by **Jennifer** » Fri Dec 14, 2007 12:15 pm

I'm coming back here again, going to do this again. I had a thread before but that was sooo long ago (a whole different person ago?), I'm starting a new one.

My excess fat is driving me absolutely insane. I've been really tempted lately to let myself go back to disordered ways of thinking/losing weight. But hell no, not going to. I want to be happy if that's at all possible?

I've been tracking with habitcal the last couple weeks. Not sure how often I'll check-in here, but sure I'll have something to say now and then at least.

Jammin' Jan · Post by **Jammin' Jan** » Fri Dec 14, 2007 2:41 pm

I have just returned to No-S as well. It's important to keep trying even if we aren't as consistent as we think we should be. I'm glad we're both back!

Jennifer · Post by **Jennifer** » Sat Dec 15, 2007 2:17 pm

Yes, to keep on trying really does seem to be the point.

I'm loving the habitcal because I can log all my failures without the shame of updating here about it. That's what got me the last couple times. I need accountability but I also need to hide out a bit when failing badly, if that makes sense. Silly. It'll be neat to look back on it when I've got more time tracked also.

Last week was exceptionally bad, all failures. Analysis of what's going wrong: lack of (appropriate) groceries (had a problem with this before too), and a whacked sleep schedule. I'm not in school or employed at the moment, so I'm allowed to do this, however it doesn't feel good/feels weird to be eating "breakfast" at 7pm.

While I can try to sleep at normal times, also a good measure would be just a "meals at least 4 hours apart"... I think that's even somewhere on the homepage? Being awake all night and feeling disoriented is no excuse for a snackfest.

Jennifer · Post by **Jennifer** » Fri Dec 21, 2007 12:54 pm

Tuesday through Thursday were all successes, so there are 3 days under my belt. The slight momentum will propel me through Friday, I can feel it. There were moments today and yesterday I almost caved. I eat out of boredom. My life is very boring, but I found other ways to satiate the need, mainly using the tv as a distraction. The urges do pass, evidence again that it's really all just psychological.

I am thinking of all the S I want to go out and buy once Saturday rolls around, and thinking how good it will be on Saturday, not Friday.

Jennifer · Post by **Jennifer** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 8:51 am

I seem to be going on and off, on and off. It's almost as though I just don't care enough, don't want it bad enough, something.

The thing is, my life pretty much depends on this, so not caring enough is silly. I have severe social anxiety and I'm afraid to even leave the house lately. I haven't left my house in over two weeks. And I KNOW, from experience, that my weight directly effects this, i.e. when I'm thinner I don't hate myself so much that I can't even stand to have someone look at me. I'll need to get a job sometime soon, but that's impossible unless I lose some weight (now, I know that there are tons of overweight people with jobs, it's just my stupid head that says I can't, and it's pretty darned insistent). My parents support me, but they won't be able to always.

I have to wonder what the hell is keeping me from compliance with NoS and exercising, then. There's the ever popular... my fat is my grand excuse to avoid life, stay away from the scary things... it might be true. I'm not sure how I'd overcome that, other than to find a replacement excuse, or to reassure myself that I'll still be allowed to be a loser when I'm thin, or to just accept and face the scary things that may one day come.

I'm still trying. Tomorrow I start again.

funfuture · Post by **funfuture** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 12:29 am

Hi Jennifer,
it sounds like you are coping with some heavy emotional issues. I hope you are getting some good professional help for your fear of going out - that sounds like it requires support not just from family and friends but from someone specialised in the field.

Meanwhile, there is a lot to be said for not thinking too much about habits and why you do them/why you break them, but to just take each day - or even just each morning or afternoon - as it comes. If you can work from the outside in, it can sometimes help with the emotional issues. That is, if you can make a clear decision to structure the habit into your life - and stop yourself from dwelling on it - then other and deeper emotional changes can follow. See if you can structure the habits of No-S into your day as a routine without analysing them or your responses to them - much as you do cleaning your teeth or brushing your hair.

Another trick that might help - each time you catch yourself thinking negatively, just thank your thoughts for sharing and deliberately think about other things (this can be a life-changing habit - it has certainly helped me and is something I continue to try to practice especially for those 'treadmill' thoughts that go nowhere, but come up again and again and leave you feeling yuk).

It can also help to be busy with something you like to do that can take your mind off things. I realise that if you are feeling down, that can be very difficult to do as nothing holds much interest. But again, take on an activity AS IF you are interested in it - do it anyway - and often enough you will find you do become absorbed in it or your mood does change. Using the 'as if' technique is a bit like being a little girl again and putting on dress-up clothes. Being dressed like a princess really helps to catapult a child into the imaginary world of being a princess.

As adults, our minds still work in much the same way. Acting 'as if' is a great trick for taking on all sorts of scary challenges - e.g. I can be shy in groups of people I don't know, but if I mentally decide to act as if I'm confident and chatty, regardless of how I feel inside, then I often forget my feelings and self-consciousness and do have a chatty, enjoyable time...When I first started lecturing at a university, I was terrified, but I used the 'as if' trick and decided to give my first lecture as if I was experienced and confident and it worked. I forgot how I was feeling and got lost in focussing on the lecture material and getting it across to the students.

Another thing I have learned from personal experience is how much of a difference just a small amount of exercise can make to mood and wellbeing. I'm the last person to preach about exercise, but if you can't go out, can you try the 14 mins of exercise at home that Reinhard recommends? Or even 2 mins?

Another trick I've found helpful is to breathe deeply. I used to do yoga and the pranayama (deep breathing) was very helpful. But I also learned a simple routine from my mother. Each morning she opens the bathroom window wide and takes 15 deep breaths. A very simple routine but she swears it makes a huge difference to wellbeing and her day and, at 90, it's the one thing she has been able to keep up as her health declines and she can no longer walk very well.

Hope I haven't intruded too much with these comments. I don't mean to underestimate just what a difficult time you are going through at the moment. My thoughts are with you on this one.
Wim
x

MerryKat · Post by **MerryKat** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 12:21 pm

Welcome back Jennifer, I am also returning (again) after wondering off on my own unproductive path.

I just wanted to let you know that you have lots of friends here to help you.

It sounds as if you have a very interesting and exciting journey ahead of you and I wish you well. It sounds as if you are totally overwhelmed by things at the moment and (if you don't mind a suggestion) I would suggest that you start with No S and focus on that for the next 21 days and you may be surprised at how many other things start to fall into place.

Jennifer · Post by **Jennifer** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 10:09 pm

Thanks you guys, your responses are welcome and I appreciate the advice.

funfuture, it's actually a little funny that you mention hygeine as something to model NoS after, something to just do and not analyze... because I do the exact same thing there! It's embarrassing, but I do have problems staying on top of brushing my teeth, etc., and think about it too much.

But I know the way it's supposed to work, I've managed it before, and I do think it's a good way of viewing new habits that aren't fully established yet.

So this is something I'm trying to work on also. It can't be too difficult if most people do it every day. I've devised a routine of exercising, then showering and doing basic hygiene for in the mornings (once a day is better than not at all... maybe I'll work in something for at night after the morning routine becomes habit), and it's going fairly well so far...

Today is day 11, for NoS, exercise, and hygeine!

Another trick that might help - each time you catch yourself thinking negatively, just thank your thoughts for sharing and deliberately think about other things

This is quite interesting to me. I have done cognitive behavioral therapy in the past and I really disliked the way thoughts were "good" or "bad," and I was supposed to dispute the bad ones. Sometimes they just feel way too true to dispute and it made things worse. I really like the casualness of just saying, "thanks for sharing, but now I've got to do something else."

funfuture · Post by **funfuture** » Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:41 am

Today is day 11, for NoS, exercise, and hygeine!

Wow, Jennifer - 11 days on NoS. That is fantastic! well done. Am looking forward to hearing you have made it to 21 days on NoS!

All the best
wim

Jennifer · Post by **Jennifer** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 9:57 am

There were a couple of sketchy days last week. Wednesday I stayed up way too late and ended up eating a 4th meal, however I was starving and I'm still counting that as a success. Thursday part of dinner was a peanut butter diet bar thingie (just happened to find it in the pantry)... that could be considered a sweet, but I ate it with dinner, and it wasn't very good at all, so I'm considering it a success. Friday mom brought me a mini cinnamon bun things from McDonald's... which I ate and I'll call that a failure. Throughout all of these almost and full failures, I did not give in and just binge on everything in sight. So even through failure, I feel like a success. I had my period too last week so I can blame some of it on that.

So I suppose I'm starting over with the counting (wow, I made it to day 17

), which is a little bit of a bummer.

I'm beginning to feel a little flicker of hope, which is marvelous.

funfuture · Post by **funfuture** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 3:43 pm

Don't be discouraged - you are doing really really well.

And, in a way, starting over doesn't matter, because this is a program for life. It's about changing daily habits, not counting failures.

Jennifer · Post by **Jennifer** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 10:16 am

Last week was a failure. I did get my ass back on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning, but failed at NoS. Actually I've been trying to quit smoking and figured I'd let up in the diet for the first week or so. (Though I gave in and went out to buy more cigs tonight so that's a no go for the moment.) I've been discouraged by not losing any weight at all. I did in the past when I followed NoS. Perhaps I'll try adding some time to my treadmill routine and throwing some shovelglove in there too maybe.

Ok, tomorrow I go back to strict NoS as well as my exercise and other routines.