Well, I'm actually starting No-S for the umpteenth time TOMORROW, but I wanted to post something up here, sort of like a commitment to stick to it tomorrow. I've really had it up to here with dieting though. If something as reasonable as No S doesn't work for me, I figure I'm just going to ditch dieting altogether and try to accept myself, even if I stay fat and ugly.
Here's my official commitment:
I commit to eat healthy foods and stick to No-S tomorrow.
There, I said it. Now that means I have to stick to it, right?
Stay tuned for journal entries on my luscious diet tomorrow and have a good evening!
Bunny
If this doesn't work then to %$#$@ with weight loss
Moderators: Soprano, automatedeating
Day 1 (5/19/10): success
Breakfast:
yogurt (non-fat no sugar) with strawberries
1 slice Ezekiel bread with a little bit of Earth Balance spread
Rooibos tea with soy creamer and stevia
Lunch:
Falafel sandwich
1 small spanakopita
soy latte (no sugar added)
Mini-meal (yes, I am allowing a fourth meal on days when I work late, because if I go 7-8 hours without any food I usually get home and eat everything in sight)
approx. 1 cup grapes
1/4 c. dry-roasted almonds
Dinner:
Mixed greens salad with strawberries and honey mustard dressing
Homemade chickpea and kale curry on brown basmati rice
1 slice Ezekiel bread
1 cup unsweetened almond milk with stevia
So, one day down, not so bad. Tomorrow I will begin exercising again--have had a few days' hiatus due to travel etc.
Breakfast:
yogurt (non-fat no sugar) with strawberries
1 slice Ezekiel bread with a little bit of Earth Balance spread
Rooibos tea with soy creamer and stevia
Lunch:
Falafel sandwich
1 small spanakopita
soy latte (no sugar added)
Mini-meal (yes, I am allowing a fourth meal on days when I work late, because if I go 7-8 hours without any food I usually get home and eat everything in sight)
approx. 1 cup grapes
1/4 c. dry-roasted almonds
Dinner:
Mixed greens salad with strawberries and honey mustard dressing
Homemade chickpea and kale curry on brown basmati rice
1 slice Ezekiel bread
1 cup unsweetened almond milk with stevia
So, one day down, not so bad. Tomorrow I will begin exercising again--have had a few days' hiatus due to travel etc.
Day 2 (5/20/10): success
Breakfast:
1 sunshine burger (veggie and sunflower seed patty)
1 slice Ezekiel bread
3 clementines
Rooibos tea with stevia and soy creamer
Lunch:
pineapple and blueberries (about 1 cup)
1/2 c. lowfat cottage cheese
Greens+ bar
Minimeal:
apple
about 1/4 cup of roasted pecans
Dinner:
Mixed greens salad with red pepper dressing
Chickpea and kale curry with a small veggie sausage patty
2 slices Ezekiel bread
2 cups unsugared vanilla almond milk (added Splenda)--I was feeling pretty hungry, and this is a low calorie way to put off my hunger pangs
Breakfast:
1 sunshine burger (veggie and sunflower seed patty)
1 slice Ezekiel bread
3 clementines
Rooibos tea with stevia and soy creamer
Lunch:
pineapple and blueberries (about 1 cup)
1/2 c. lowfat cottage cheese
Greens+ bar
Minimeal:
apple
about 1/4 cup of roasted pecans
Dinner:
Mixed greens salad with red pepper dressing
Chickpea and kale curry with a small veggie sausage patty
2 slices Ezekiel bread
2 cups unsugared vanilla almond milk (added Splenda)--I was feeling pretty hungry, and this is a low calorie way to put off my hunger pangs
Day 3 (5/21/10): success
Breakfast:
2 slices Ezekiel bread with smart balance (small amount)
1 small orange
1 veggie sausage patty
Rooibos tea with soy creamer
Lunch:
chickpea and kale curry with brown rice and julienned broccoli, carrots, and cabbage
Mojo bar
2 crackers
Dinner:
chickpea and kale curry with brown rice
1 c. sliced strawberries
3 crackers
Cube of 2% milk cheese
2 slices Ezekiel bread with smart balance (small amount)
cup of almond milk, sweetened with Splenda
Okay, I realize dinner is pushing it, but it did fit. Also, I know I might be eating a little bit too much bread, but at least it's whole grain bread that isn't too high in calories with plenty of fiber.
Going to bed early--gotta get up early!
Breakfast:
2 slices Ezekiel bread with smart balance (small amount)
1 small orange
1 veggie sausage patty
Rooibos tea with soy creamer
Lunch:
chickpea and kale curry with brown rice and julienned broccoli, carrots, and cabbage
Mojo bar
2 crackers
Dinner:
chickpea and kale curry with brown rice
1 c. sliced strawberries
3 crackers
Cube of 2% milk cheese
2 slices Ezekiel bread with smart balance (small amount)
cup of almond milk, sweetened with Splenda
Okay, I realize dinner is pushing it, but it did fit. Also, I know I might be eating a little bit too much bread, but at least it's whole grain bread that isn't too high in calories with plenty of fiber.
Going to bed early--gotta get up early!
-
leafy_greens
- Posts: 426
- Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2010 8:18 pm
I wouldn't be so strict with the actual food items you are eating, as long as nothing is a sweet. The most important thing at first is doing three meals a day (of any kind of food), before getting restrictive. Reinhard also mentions that it takes an average of 12 failures before getting a diet right. So don't be too down on yourself. It may not work out the first time. But part of succeeding is not being so strict on yourself with the meal food. It doesn't have to be all so-called healthy food, just no sweets. Good luck!
Hi, thanks for the input! It really helps me to know somebody cares enough to read my check-in!
By the way, I'm not forcing myself to eat so-called "healthy" stuff. I actually really like vegetables and whole grains, even liked them as a kid. I think most stuff from fast food chains is just plain gross. It's rare for me to crave chips, candy, or cookies--I don't ever buy them, and I don't like most frozen prepared foods, excepting some of the veggie burger stuff.
Not to say that I don't like some sweet stuff. I really like ice cream.
If my diet seems like it's leaning heavily on the vegetarian side, well, I'm doing that for both health reasons and environmental reasons (trying to reduce my carbon footprint). Not to mention that I'm not really a huge meat-eater. I eat some occasionally, usually due to my boyfriend, who is a great cook.
My big downfall is portion control and random, out-of-control stress eating. I really like starchy stuff--bread and rice are biggies. Most of the time I keep crackers out of the house, because if I'm stressed I'll just go to town on them. Ugh.
Anyway, thanks again for the input, and for the reminder not to be too hard on myself.
--Bunny
By the way, I'm not forcing myself to eat so-called "healthy" stuff. I actually really like vegetables and whole grains, even liked them as a kid. I think most stuff from fast food chains is just plain gross. It's rare for me to crave chips, candy, or cookies--I don't ever buy them, and I don't like most frozen prepared foods, excepting some of the veggie burger stuff.
Not to say that I don't like some sweet stuff. I really like ice cream.
If my diet seems like it's leaning heavily on the vegetarian side, well, I'm doing that for both health reasons and environmental reasons (trying to reduce my carbon footprint). Not to mention that I'm not really a huge meat-eater. I eat some occasionally, usually due to my boyfriend, who is a great cook.
My big downfall is portion control and random, out-of-control stress eating. I really like starchy stuff--bread and rice are biggies. Most of the time I keep crackers out of the house, because if I'm stressed I'll just go to town on them. Ugh.
Anyway, thanks again for the input, and for the reminder not to be too hard on myself.
--Bunny
Okay, I'm going to review my S-days, because I've found that weekends are when I seem to gain back what I lost during the week...My S-days weren't really that bad for not having done this in a long time. Let's see.
Day 4: S-day 5/22/10
b-fast
eggs scrambled with kale, onions, tomato and feta
1-2 slices Ezekiel bread (can't remember)
some Korean crunchy cookie things a friend gave me
lunch
black bean burger sandwich with lettuce and tomato
few crackers with hummus
big apple
1 bonbon from the farmer's market
snack
bread with sunflower seeds
dinner
Pollo Chilango (chicken with vegetables, black beans, and rice)--ate only half and took the rest home
Way too many nachos
ice cream cone
Okay, well, I had sweets at every meal. Still didn't feel totally out of control though, which is good.
Day 4: S-day 5/22/10
b-fast
eggs scrambled with kale, onions, tomato and feta
1-2 slices Ezekiel bread (can't remember)
some Korean crunchy cookie things a friend gave me
lunch
black bean burger sandwich with lettuce and tomato
few crackers with hummus
big apple
1 bonbon from the farmer's market
snack
bread with sunflower seeds
dinner
Pollo Chilango (chicken with vegetables, black beans, and rice)--ate only half and took the rest home
Way too many nachos
ice cream cone
Okay, well, I had sweets at every meal. Still didn't feel totally out of control though, which is good.
Day 5: S-day 5/23/10
breakfast:
went to the local vegetarian diner
tofu scramble with vegetables (has barbecue sauce)
most of a big homemade biscuit
few country potato bits
enough coffee to hurt a small child
(I feel proud of myself--I stopped when I was full at least, left part of a biscuit and most of my country potatoes on the plate)
lunch:
wheat bread with sunflower seeds (2 tbsp)
1 c. sliced strawberries
1 c. almond milk
part of a hot chocolate, but it was kind of yucky so I didn't finish it
dinner:
big salad of leaf lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers with balsamic vinaigrette and 2 tbsp sunflower seeds
The rest of the Pollo Chilango
baby carrots + really awesome hummus (crazy good stuff from farmer's market)
late night snack:
1 slice bread and some crackers with really good hummus and cucumbers
2 tbsp sunflower seeds
about a cup of strawberries
Okay, so I ate too much probably, but I still didn't feel out of control. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. It's more than I would eat on a weekday though. I still think I need to cut back a bit if I'm going to lose weight efficiently.
Oh yeah, I started my exercise again. Ran for 30 minutes, walked for 30 minutes. Not bad for a week's hiatus...
breakfast:
went to the local vegetarian diner
tofu scramble with vegetables (has barbecue sauce)
most of a big homemade biscuit
few country potato bits
enough coffee to hurt a small child
(I feel proud of myself--I stopped when I was full at least, left part of a biscuit and most of my country potatoes on the plate)
lunch:
wheat bread with sunflower seeds (2 tbsp)
1 c. sliced strawberries
1 c. almond milk
part of a hot chocolate, but it was kind of yucky so I didn't finish it
dinner:
big salad of leaf lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers with balsamic vinaigrette and 2 tbsp sunflower seeds
The rest of the Pollo Chilango
baby carrots + really awesome hummus (crazy good stuff from farmer's market)
late night snack:
1 slice bread and some crackers with really good hummus and cucumbers
2 tbsp sunflower seeds
about a cup of strawberries
Okay, so I ate too much probably, but I still didn't feel out of control. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. It's more than I would eat on a weekday though. I still think I need to cut back a bit if I'm going to lose weight efficiently.
Oh yeah, I started my exercise again. Ran for 30 minutes, walked for 30 minutes. Not bad for a week's hiatus...
Day 6: success (5/24/10)
Breakfast: 2 slices ww bread, 1 veggie patty, 1 small orange, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1 sugar-free vanilla soy latte (I very rarely go to Starbucks, but I was pretty tired today)
Lunch: Had to go to a subpar Mexican joint for a lunch meeting with my boss. 1 veggie quesadilla, plus chips (I had to do some virtual plating, and might have been pushing it--next time I think I'll just wait until my plate arrives, and actually put the chips on my plate so I can see how much space they take up)
Dinner: veggie sausage (yes, I am sampling all of the veggie protein products available out there--this was actually tasty) with sauteed red bell peppers and onions, plus brown rice and broccoli, all topped with 2 tbsp sunflower seeds, 1 slice ww bread, about a cup of sliced strawberries
(yeah, this really did all fit onto a plate)
Tea with soymilk and stevia
Exercise: ran 3 miles (I won't tell you how long it took me to do that), as well as some random walking (can't say how long--I work on a big university campus though, so you end up getting some walking going from building to building)
Breakfast: 2 slices ww bread, 1 veggie patty, 1 small orange, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1 sugar-free vanilla soy latte (I very rarely go to Starbucks, but I was pretty tired today)
Lunch: Had to go to a subpar Mexican joint for a lunch meeting with my boss. 1 veggie quesadilla, plus chips (I had to do some virtual plating, and might have been pushing it--next time I think I'll just wait until my plate arrives, and actually put the chips on my plate so I can see how much space they take up)
Dinner: veggie sausage (yes, I am sampling all of the veggie protein products available out there--this was actually tasty) with sauteed red bell peppers and onions, plus brown rice and broccoli, all topped with 2 tbsp sunflower seeds, 1 slice ww bread, about a cup of sliced strawberries
(yeah, this really did all fit onto a plate)
Tea with soymilk and stevia
Exercise: ran 3 miles (I won't tell you how long it took me to do that), as well as some random walking (can't say how long--I work on a big university campus though, so you end up getting some walking going from building to building)
Day 5: 5/25/10 Success
breakfast: I think 2 slices of bread with peanut butter and an apple, plus probably almond milk
lunch: veggie sausage with bell peppers, onions, broccoli and brown rice plus cucumber slices with vinaigrette, coffee with some cream
dinner: pasta pinwheels with spinach, feta, and sun-dried tomatoes, some sort of fried ravioli things, some Italian bread, and wine. I did some virtual plating, and I'm pretty sure I did it okay--not like this was a weight loss meal.
exercise--nope, not today. Needed to rest legs.
breakfast: I think 2 slices of bread with peanut butter and an apple, plus probably almond milk
lunch: veggie sausage with bell peppers, onions, broccoli and brown rice plus cucumber slices with vinaigrette, coffee with some cream
dinner: pasta pinwheels with spinach, feta, and sun-dried tomatoes, some sort of fried ravioli things, some Italian bread, and wine. I did some virtual plating, and I'm pretty sure I did it okay--not like this was a weight loss meal.
exercise--nope, not today. Needed to rest legs.
Day 8: 5/26/10 success
(oops, I messed up--last entry should have been Day 7, I think)
breakfast:
one slice bread with reduced fat spread and sunflower seeds (1/2 tbsp)
one slice bread with peanut butter
small apple
maybe some almond milk sweetened with Splenda
lunch:
veggie sausage plus bell peppers, onions, broccoli, and brown rice, plus some vinaigrette
iced coffee (put some half and half in it, not much)
dinner:
veggie sausage plus bell peppers, onions, broccoli, and brown rice
1 slice bread (whole wheat)
1 pasta pinwheel (left over from last night)
part of an apple
1 cup almond milk
exercise--nope, except for the walking I get between buildings, which is probably around 30 minutes walking total
(oops, I messed up--last entry should have been Day 7, I think)
breakfast:
one slice bread with reduced fat spread and sunflower seeds (1/2 tbsp)
one slice bread with peanut butter
small apple
maybe some almond milk sweetened with Splenda
lunch:
veggie sausage plus bell peppers, onions, broccoli, and brown rice, plus some vinaigrette
iced coffee (put some half and half in it, not much)
dinner:
veggie sausage plus bell peppers, onions, broccoli, and brown rice
1 slice bread (whole wheat)
1 pasta pinwheel (left over from last night)
part of an apple
1 cup almond milk
exercise--nope, except for the walking I get between buildings, which is probably around 30 minutes walking total
Day 10 (5/28/10): success
Breakfast:
1 Lara bar
1 large navel orange
Lunch:
veggie sausage, peppers, onions, mixed whole grain rice blend, broccoli with vinagrette, 1 Lara bar
Minimeal (yes, they are doctor recommended if there's going to be a long hiatus between lunch and dinner, although I generally try to avoid them): 1 Mojo bar
Dinner: Channa masala (spicy chickpeas in sauce), brown rice, broccoli
About 10 cherries (fresh), 1 c. almond milk
Exercise: 35 minutes running, at least 45 minutes-1 hr walking (walked a lot at work today)
Yes, I know I've been eating a lot of food bars lately, but I pick them pretty carefully, watching caloric content and ingredients, since a lot of them are unhealthy crap.
Breakfast:
1 Lara bar
1 large navel orange
Lunch:
veggie sausage, peppers, onions, mixed whole grain rice blend, broccoli with vinagrette, 1 Lara bar
Minimeal (yes, they are doctor recommended if there's going to be a long hiatus between lunch and dinner, although I generally try to avoid them): 1 Mojo bar
Dinner: Channa masala (spicy chickpeas in sauce), brown rice, broccoli
About 10 cherries (fresh), 1 c. almond milk
Exercise: 35 minutes running, at least 45 minutes-1 hr walking (walked a lot at work today)
Yes, I know I've been eating a lot of food bars lately, but I pick them pretty carefully, watching caloric content and ingredients, since a lot of them are unhealthy crap.
Day 11, 12, 13 (5/29/10-5/31/10)--S days
Went a bit overboard on Memorial Day.
Day 14 (6/1/10)-success, but barely. Piled a lot onto my dinner plate
Day 15 (6/2/10)-success.
Not being successful with exercise though. Work has been rough.
Will post more details for my following days. Too much going on.
Went a bit overboard on Memorial Day.
Day 14 (6/1/10)-success, but barely. Piled a lot onto my dinner plate
Day 15 (6/2/10)-success.
Not being successful with exercise though. Work has been rough.
Will post more details for my following days. Too much going on.
Day 16 (6/3/10)--success, but just barely.
I still am very disappointed with myself. I've been keeping to meals and not snacking, but my dinners have been pretty darn big--piling a lot onto the plate. It's because I've been eating crap for lunch--the closest eatery is a Subway, and while some people consider that "healthy" fast food, somehow it doesn't satiate my appetite like wholesome home-cooked food does. By the time dinner rolls around, I'm ravenous and will pile it on. Today I even broke down and ate some meat--I got a cheeseburger and fries from the local burger joint (at least it wasn't some super yucky chain fast food like McDonald's). Geez, I don't even usually eat that sort of stuff--it's like maybe twice a year or something. Now I recall *why* I don't eat that stuff much. I feel gross.
I hate my damn job sometimes. It leaves me no time and stresses me out. I haven't exercised this week because of my damn job, nor have I had time to cook. I know that if I want to lose weight, I need to exercise 5x a week and eat home-cooked food. Ever since I switched my job to something with less physical activity, the pounds piled on. It used to be I got exercise through my job--well, no more!
I really hate my body, and I am despairing of ever changing back. A year and half ago, I was actually good-looking. Now I'm just a big old fatty again, and it seems like if I don't maintain perfect habits, the pounds immediately jump back on. I don't even want to see my old friends anymore, because I'm embarrassed to show my fat face. I just am so angry at myself sometimes, I almost hate myself.
Arrgh! So success--but only in name. I'm not proud of my diet this week. I feel like I'm in a constant struggle with my body--I think my body hates me and wants to fight me, instead of working with me. Arrgh! Okay, enough venting. Sorry.
I still am very disappointed with myself. I've been keeping to meals and not snacking, but my dinners have been pretty darn big--piling a lot onto the plate. It's because I've been eating crap for lunch--the closest eatery is a Subway, and while some people consider that "healthy" fast food, somehow it doesn't satiate my appetite like wholesome home-cooked food does. By the time dinner rolls around, I'm ravenous and will pile it on. Today I even broke down and ate some meat--I got a cheeseburger and fries from the local burger joint (at least it wasn't some super yucky chain fast food like McDonald's). Geez, I don't even usually eat that sort of stuff--it's like maybe twice a year or something. Now I recall *why* I don't eat that stuff much. I feel gross.
I hate my damn job sometimes. It leaves me no time and stresses me out. I haven't exercised this week because of my damn job, nor have I had time to cook. I know that if I want to lose weight, I need to exercise 5x a week and eat home-cooked food. Ever since I switched my job to something with less physical activity, the pounds piled on. It used to be I got exercise through my job--well, no more!
I really hate my body, and I am despairing of ever changing back. A year and half ago, I was actually good-looking. Now I'm just a big old fatty again, and it seems like if I don't maintain perfect habits, the pounds immediately jump back on. I don't even want to see my old friends anymore, because I'm embarrassed to show my fat face. I just am so angry at myself sometimes, I almost hate myself.
Arrgh! So success--but only in name. I'm not proud of my diet this week. I feel like I'm in a constant struggle with my body--I think my body hates me and wants to fight me, instead of working with me. Arrgh! Okay, enough venting. Sorry.
I know you were venting, but I hope the rest of the time you can find some peace with your body. Ours is not the only culture in the world that prizes thinness, but it's all arbitrary. The fact that we judge each other about it is just evidence of our conditioning, not a true estimation of our worth. Besides, have you ever not wanted to be involved with a friend because s/he had gained weight? I doubt it. Obviously, the disgust hasn't made you change your habits, so it might be being a little cruel to yourself, don't you think? Either you're doing the best you can, or you aren't, but it's okay to give yourself some slack, unless NOT doing that actually makes you change your behavior!
I hope something gives with your work. I have hardly exercised this school year (terrible schedule), and I know it has hampered my efforts on No S, though eating big chocolate bars and cookie dough on S days has contributed as well. My school year is ending, and I'm looking forward to being more active. But I often could have forced myself to do more. I could have put on a fitness tape instead of watching reruns of Friends. But I didn't. Etc. I don't say this to burden you but for you to see there might be a little light getting through the cracks. And it's okay to be where you are right now, too. It doesn't mean you've given up. You're still figuring things out.
Just a suggestion. I know you don't have much time to cook, but think about what one easy thing you might be able to bring to supplement Subway to help you through to dinner. Some hard-boiled egg whites? An apple? Some walnuts? I'm still surprised sometimes to see how much hungrier I get if I leave out some element of the meal. Anyway, it's a work in progress. You are on the right road.
I hope something gives with your work. I have hardly exercised this school year (terrible schedule), and I know it has hampered my efforts on No S, though eating big chocolate bars and cookie dough on S days has contributed as well. My school year is ending, and I'm looking forward to being more active. But I often could have forced myself to do more. I could have put on a fitness tape instead of watching reruns of Friends. But I didn't. Etc. I don't say this to burden you but for you to see there might be a little light getting through the cracks. And it's okay to be where you are right now, too. It doesn't mean you've given up. You're still figuring things out.
Just a suggestion. I know you don't have much time to cook, but think about what one easy thing you might be able to bring to supplement Subway to help you through to dinner. Some hard-boiled egg whites? An apple? Some walnuts? I'm still surprised sometimes to see how much hungrier I get if I leave out some element of the meal. Anyway, it's a work in progress. You are on the right road.
Count plates, not calories. 11 years "during"
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23
There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)
Age 69
BMI Jan/10-30.8
1/12-26.8 3/13-24.9 +/- 8-lb. 3 yrs
9/17 22.8 (flux) 3/18 22.2
2 yrs flux 6/20 22
1/21-23
There is no S better than Vanilla No S (mods now as a senior citizen)
Hi Oolala53,
Thanks for your post. I guess it's just really hard for me to not be tough on myself. As a child, I was slim until I hit puberty, and then something about the hormones made me blow up like a balloon. Therefore at the most delicate parts of my early years I was constantly tormented about being fat by my peers--they were extremely nasty (it didn't help that I was a straight-A student as well, so in addition to being fat and bad at sports, I committed the sin of having a brain). Unfortunately I internalized a lot of those messages.
Right before high school I had a growth spurt and slimmed down. Things were okay in high school and college. Then, I was in an unpleasant work/graduate school situation in my mid-20's. In this place, it was very evident that classically "beautiful" (namely skinny women) were treated better than "less attractive" women like me. I really don't think it was my warped view of things, I really felt like that was happening. It made me feel terrible (and it didn't seem fair--after all, I felt that I had better hair, skin, and facial features than a lot of these women, but all of that was ignored because I was pudgy...Plus, people should be judged according to their work in their job, not their looks!)
It's been hard for me to get over these situations. I have gone to therapy periodically (I struggle with depression) but it is hard for me to talk about these past times without nearly crying.
Now that I am fatter than I have ever been in my life, I guess I feel a horrible fear that I will be adversely judged for my body. I just feel like it would help protect me in some ways to be slim. I'm in a new position at work and feel very uncertain about my abilities as well as my future career, so I feel a stronger need to control what I can, which is my appearance (thus what I eat). This is why I get even angrier when I can't do that. I feel like so little in my life is under my control that I have to grab onto what I can--and it seems to be sheer idiocy on my part that I have so much trouble doing something so fundamentally easy, which is choosing not to eat. It just shouldn't be so difficult. The fact that I cannot keep up my vigilance when it comes to eating makes me feel that there is something wrong with me--if I weren't lazy and weak, I would just be able to do it.
Thanks. I will try to not be as harsh on myself. Even if I feel like I deserve it, the truth is that as you've said, the strategy is obviously not working.
--Bunny88
Thanks for your post. I guess it's just really hard for me to not be tough on myself. As a child, I was slim until I hit puberty, and then something about the hormones made me blow up like a balloon. Therefore at the most delicate parts of my early years I was constantly tormented about being fat by my peers--they were extremely nasty (it didn't help that I was a straight-A student as well, so in addition to being fat and bad at sports, I committed the sin of having a brain). Unfortunately I internalized a lot of those messages.
Right before high school I had a growth spurt and slimmed down. Things were okay in high school and college. Then, I was in an unpleasant work/graduate school situation in my mid-20's. In this place, it was very evident that classically "beautiful" (namely skinny women) were treated better than "less attractive" women like me. I really don't think it was my warped view of things, I really felt like that was happening. It made me feel terrible (and it didn't seem fair--after all, I felt that I had better hair, skin, and facial features than a lot of these women, but all of that was ignored because I was pudgy...Plus, people should be judged according to their work in their job, not their looks!)
It's been hard for me to get over these situations. I have gone to therapy periodically (I struggle with depression) but it is hard for me to talk about these past times without nearly crying.
Now that I am fatter than I have ever been in my life, I guess I feel a horrible fear that I will be adversely judged for my body. I just feel like it would help protect me in some ways to be slim. I'm in a new position at work and feel very uncertain about my abilities as well as my future career, so I feel a stronger need to control what I can, which is my appearance (thus what I eat). This is why I get even angrier when I can't do that. I feel like so little in my life is under my control that I have to grab onto what I can--and it seems to be sheer idiocy on my part that I have so much trouble doing something so fundamentally easy, which is choosing not to eat. It just shouldn't be so difficult. The fact that I cannot keep up my vigilance when it comes to eating makes me feel that there is something wrong with me--if I weren't lazy and weak, I would just be able to do it.
Thanks. I will try to not be as harsh on myself. Even if I feel like I deserve it, the truth is that as you've said, the strategy is obviously not working.
--Bunny88
Day 17 (6/4/10)--FAIL
I was doing really well, until my boss took us all out to dinner and then got us all ice cream. I felt like it would be rude to refuse. All of my thin co-workers were eating ice cream. Why is it so easy for them and hard for me? I can't even enjoy eating ice cream because I feel so horrible and guilty and angry.
Then I got up in the middle of the night and snacked, I don't even know why. I think I just felt like I blew it so why not go whole hog?
Boy has this week *sucked*. I hope it gets better. I am not going to weigh myself for at least two weeks now, because at this point, the way this week has gone, I am certain I have gained every single pound back.
I am so tired of fighting myself.
I was doing really well, until my boss took us all out to dinner and then got us all ice cream. I felt like it would be rude to refuse. All of my thin co-workers were eating ice cream. Why is it so easy for them and hard for me? I can't even enjoy eating ice cream because I feel so horrible and guilty and angry.
Then I got up in the middle of the night and snacked, I don't even know why. I think I just felt like I blew it so why not go whole hog?
Boy has this week *sucked*. I hope it gets better. I am not going to weigh myself for at least two weeks now, because at this point, the way this week has gone, I am certain I have gained every single pound back.
I am so tired of fighting myself.
{{{Bunny}}}
I wrote you a reply on the main board. You sound like you are having a hard time right now, on more fronts than just your weight.
If I could give you "assignments", it would be things like this:
- Make a list every day of "5 good things". They can be little, like noticing a butterfly or bird or flower, but keep your list for at least a week. (Makes you look for good things in your life)
- Plan one event to look forward to. Can be big or small, social or individual, but something that will give you pleasure.
- Do those things (or something similar) again. Two assignments a week.
(I had a whole raft of such "assignments" during a very difficult time in my past, and they really did make a huge difference.)
Take care of yourself.
I wrote you a reply on the main board. You sound like you are having a hard time right now, on more fronts than just your weight.
If I could give you "assignments", it would be things like this:
- Make a list every day of "5 good things". They can be little, like noticing a butterfly or bird or flower, but keep your list for at least a week. (Makes you look for good things in your life)
- Plan one event to look forward to. Can be big or small, social or individual, but something that will give you pleasure.
- Do those things (or something similar) again. Two assignments a week.
(I had a whole raft of such "assignments" during a very difficult time in my past, and they really did make a huge difference.)
Take care of yourself.