Fall Check-in for Allisonmeg

[Allisonmeg]

It's Fall and time to start my 6th NoS blog. I am starting this week off with 3 of my kids' birthdays, but am not going yellow OR red for them. I sampled enough today (Sunday).
I haven't NoS'd seriously for the last couple of months, but am ready to start again. I'll go slightly easier on myself getting back into the groove this week, but I will be back to writing my meals down. I find I'm much more accountable when I stop here each day and put it in writing.
My probable new nemesis will be White Cheddar popcorn. I have been eating it as breakfast, as a meal, as a snack...you name it, I've been living off it for weeks!
My old ice cream nemesis has been tamed over time. I have almost completely cut out coffee and drink herbal hot tea as my soother, dessert, midmorning snack, evening cocktail, before bedtime calmer. My husband and I go out for a tea date daily.
For this fall check-in, my goal is to No S [of course], be honest, and find something positive in each day. I want to look forward to coming to my blog each day and start getting stronger this season.

[ladybird30]

Hi Allisonmeg - I hope that things improve for your over the next few months. Ladybird.

[Merry]

For this fall check-in, my goal is to No S [of course], be honest, and find something positive in each day. I want to look forward to coming to my blog each day and start getting stronger this season.

Great goals! I love that you and your hubby have daily tea dates .

[Whosonfirst]

It's Fall and time to start my 6th NoS blog. I am starting this week off with 3 of my kids' birthdays, but am not going yellow OR red for them. I sampled enough today (Sunday).
I haven't NoS'd seriously for the last couple of months, but am ready to start again. I'll go slightly easier on myself getting back into the groove this week, but I will be back to writing my meals down. I find I'm much more accountable when I stop here each day and put it in writing.
My probable new nemesis will be White Cheddar popcorn. I have been eating it as breakfast, as a meal, as a snack...you name it, I've been living off it for weeks!
My old ice cream nemesis has been tamed over time. I have almost completely cut out coffee and drink herbal hot tea as my soother, dessert, midmorning snack, evening cocktail, before bedtime calmer. My husband and I go out for a tea date daily.
For this fall check-in, my goal is to No S [of course], be honest, and find something positive in each day. I want to look forward to coming to my blog each day and start getting stronger this season.

Great to see you posting. I want to seriously reduce my coffee intake, so I may try your herbal tea idea.

[Allisonmeg]

B- Bowl of HBO cereal
L- Grilled chix/avocado salad (very hearty high cal kind)
D- Small plate Chinese (mini egg roll, rice, 1 orange chix nugget)

Hi everyone, thanks for the greetings! I started today by working out at 7am. I am not a morning work-out girl but it's my son's birthday so I won't have time later. However I feel so invigorated today that I may switch to mornings!
I was happy to see a hummingbird at the feeder (since they appear to have migrated last week).
Pretty easy No S day thus far, had one of my special tea sachets when waiting to go out to lunch with hubby. I'm trying to stay relaxed today and am off to work on puzzle with the little guy.

[lpearlmom]

I was never a morning person and never thought I'd be one to work out in the morning but now I love it. It really helps to start of the day on a positive note.

I also had to give up caffeine. WAs hard at first but now it's it's my new normal.

[Allisonmeg]

B- HBO bowl cereal
L- Mad Greek veggie/feta pita
D- Lean Cuisine pizza and regular piece pizza

Yes lpearlmom, I did it again and worked out early in the morning! You're so right, it does really make the day more positive.

3 meals today, but that regular piece of pizza wasn't exactly on the plate!

[Allisonmeg]

B- Atkins pb bar
L- Mcdonalds chix salad w/xtras bought from salad bar at grocery store
D- Turns red here: samples of hash brown, kraft mac, chix bite, taste of pumpkin bread, 1 sushi bite, 2 peanut m

I did one of those things I have problems with every year when school starts back. I don't plan to eat anymore because my lunch was so big, but then start sampling little bites of things I make the kids for dinner. This is kind of my practice week where I'm not marking a flat out green or red, but I have to nip this pretty quick.

[lpearlmom]

Glad you're enjoying it!

[Allisonmeg]

B- cereal
L- Taco salad minus the shell
D- Small bowl pasta w/ crescent roll and small piece of grilled sausage

Ok after yesterday's sampling fail at dinner, I am ready to try this again. We took 4 yr old to get 3rd new cast and schedule his surgery to get pins out of arm (18th). We took him to Mexican for being brave. I did very well by not eating the shell and now I'm going to do better this dinner!!
I also did not sample any of the homemade carrot cake I made for Friday's birthday 7/8 son.

[oolala53]

Out of curiosity, why can't you eat the taco shell?

If you can bake a cake without eating any batter, you're way ahead of me. It sounds as weird to me as not eating chocolate five days a week did in the beginning. But I don't have any reasons to face it down, and it's a lot riskier. But I guess people do it all the time, or at least not more than a lick.

Just keep chipping away.

[Allisonmeg]

B- bowl of cereal
L- Mad Greek gyro w/ 2 onion rings
D- 2 pieces Dominos cheese pizza
S- few bites of the birthday carrot cake

Hmm, well it was a bit calorie heavy I think. And it went well most of the day. Lunch was late so I was having a hard time not snacking around 1130 but pulled through. My son wanted pizza for his birthday so I actually committed to 2 pieces rather than sampling my way through. I ended up eating a few bites of the carrot cake after everybody kept saying how good it was. So since I'm not "on the books" until Monday (October calendar) I don't have to go through the 'yellow/special day' or' actual red day because I didn't plan to eat sweets day'. I am definitely eating more calories this week than I have been, mainly because hubby and I keep going out to lunch.

[Lilybug]

I would definitely had to eat some of that carrot cake, and not just because carrot cake is my favorite, but because I baked it! I have to know if it was truly good or not or how good it was!

Happy weekend!

[Allisonmeg]

aw thank you ladybug!

[Allisonmeg]

Yesterday was a nice uncrazy S day. Caught up with my skinny white cheddar popcorn!
Hubby and I went out for a little while last night and I had two cocktails only. I stayed in a mellow mood (rather than cry which always happens now if I drink at all). Still the conversation always turns to the events of the summer. Kind of the point of going out is to NOT talk about it so I still think we're better off just sticking to our tea dates.
Oh I got on the scale for the first time in weeks and I was 145, far better than I actually imagined. That gives me good incentive to start my October No S calendar. And just one more birthday pie to make for dd's 16th on Tuesday.

Update: Kind of a wild S day, Granny's donuts, popcorn, etc

[Allisonmeg]

B- HBO cereal
L- Veggie feta pita w/ popcorn
D- Bean tostada

Tuesday:
B- Atkins bar
L- Big chix salad
D- hash brown, bite potato, chix, mac
S- 3 bites of cherry pie for dd's 16th birthday

Today I'm calling an orange day. It is an S day because it's my youngest daughter's 16th birthday and I was ok to have the pie, but I wasn't planning to, so it's red in that respect. Plus I just sampled everything at dinner and didn't make an official plate. And without going into detail, her 16th birthday reminds me of a lot of sad stuff with other daughter.

[Merry]

(((Hugs)))

[Allisonmeg]

Thank you Merry


Today was as red as it could get. Hubby and I went out last night, and today I just snacked throughout the day.

[Allisonmeg]

B- HBO cereal
L- Mad Greek veggie pita
D- Reuben, fries, Brussel sprouts

About a bazillion calories for dinner. My reubens are so yummy but it's all wildly fattening so I only make them a few times a year. So it's green but my tummy is feeling pretty red!

[Merry]

What's a Mad Greek veggie pita? Sounds yummy!

[Allisonmeg]

This past weekend turned into a 4 day food bender. Tomorrow I'm getting back on the No S wagon. I can tell I'm not ready for my very official pass/fail calendar. I will have to go in baby steps right now. It's like I'm back at day 1 after 3 years, where if I take one bite of a kid's breakfast. the whole day is shot and I snack on everything.
Ok let's try this again!

[ladybird30]

Dear Alison, I have sent you a pm, Ladybird.

[Allisonmeg]

Thank you thank you Ladybird. Your pm made me cry, but in a good way. It really really helps me to know I'm not alone.

Update of the real me:
Tomorrow is 3 months since I found my 17 y/o daughter dead. Next week my 4 y/o goes back for his second surgery on his broken arm (which is scarier than it sounds when another child has recently died). My husband asked me yesterday how I went from so down (probably suicidal is the word he wasn't saying) to totally happy and "normal" again.

I've just been in some sort of 'pretend it didn't happen' mode. I don't write about it on here after I started my fall check-in. Besides normal life with 4 kids left in the house, I am constantly doing random nothing things, like 1000 piece puzzles, Bakery story on my phone, reading new Stephen King novel incessantly, listening to audiobooks. Anything not to think.

I put all things of her in a downstairs room where I don't have to be reminded constantly. I stopped reading all of her journals and reflections etc. I started putting distance between her boyfriend and me. I have completely ignored the pile of books my mom brought over to me about grieving a child or suicide.

All of that worked for a few weeks, but instead of having an alcohol binge, I had an eating binge when all the ignoring stopped working. SO once again, I am going to approach No S the way the it fits me best. I really think ignoring the situation and worrying that I'm making others feel uncomfortable on here is not in my best interest.

I started my fall blog when I couldn't stop going on her obituary page I posted on my summer blog. I think when I only write what I eat down, I'm portraying a perfected image of what I want to be and when I mess up, my façade crumbles.

That was nice to finally vent. I haven't gotten anything off my chest in a really long time. I AM having a peaceful no S day. It's amazing what having this simple plan in place does for my stress level.

B- bowl of cereal
L- Salad bar (big)
D- bowl cereal, hash brown, 1/2 biscuit, okra

[jenji]

Sending you a hug. When you are ready, I encourage you to get support through a counselor or support group that specializes in grief related to losing a family member to suicide. There are support groups online and in person. You may also want to look into this support for your other children. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention keeps a list of resources and has online resources listed at the bottom of this page:

https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost- ... ort-group/

However, there is nothing wrong with giving yourself the distance you need to survive day-to-day and cope as a mother. Do what you need to do to give yourself the time and space to grieve.

I used to volunteer at a suicide hotline in college.

P.S. If you'd like me to delete this post off your thread, I will. Just let me know. I don't mean to presume, just want to provide support.

[Allisonmeg]

Thank you jenji. Please keep it here. I think it's important for everyone to have this information AND to know this really can happen to any one of us. My mom works in hospice and has worked closely for years with the grief counselor there, (and now for herself). This counselor works closely with the support group here for survivors of suicide. My mom is really pushing me to see her.
This info is also with the bag of books my mom brought over that I didn't look at, but will finally do so when I finish writing this
I most of all, appreciate that you said giving myself distance is OK. I have never been through ANYONE dying (my cousin 20 years ago and grandparents that lived into 90s). I don't know what is right or wrong or how I should be feeling. I am just doing what gets me through the day.
Thank you again for your support....Big big hugs back.

[jenji]

You have had a terrible shock. Be gentle with yourself and recognize that what you need may be different than what your children or husband need, and all of you will go in and out of periods of intense feeling and (for lack of a better word) denial/pausing the feelings. Protect your heart and take it slow.

[Merry]

I don't know what is right or wrong or how I should be feeling. I am just doing what gets me through the day.

Grief doesn't have right and wrongs when it comes to how we feel. Feelings just are, and they are all over the place. ((((Hugs)))

[Larkspur]

I don't have great words for you, but I am thinking of you and wishing for you to be circled with protection and comfort.

[Allisonmeg]

Thanks guys...Any words are great words I promise!

I went easy on myself yesterday and had a pretty good day. Anniversary days make me weepy but it wasn't as bad as I was fearing it would be.
Very decent No Sing.
I ate 2 mini candy bars for my S today and popcorn for lunch. I'm having a totally lazy day cross stitching and painting my toes by the kids.

[jenji]

Keep it up! No S is a good way to take care of yourself.

[osoniye]

Yeah, there is no wrong way. We all experience grief differently and every loss is different from others.
You have been through such a hard thing, and you are doing well to keep afloat and provide some normalcy for your other kids. You are a rock star, and you will find ways to deal with the grief at your own pace and in your own way. (Is there a "grief share" group near you? I found that really helpful.)

[Allisonmeg]

Just a quick update. My 4 year old did great on his second surgery. Pins are out and just 11 more days until a removable cast. It was great to finally get this day out of the way.

[jenji]

Just a quick update. My 4 year old did great on his second surgery. Pins are out and just 11 more days until a removable cast. It was great to finally get this day out of the way.

Wonderful news! I know that must be a huge relief.

[Allisonmeg]

I'm back to start a November challenge if there's one going this month. As usual, this follows a horrendous eating week and a grand finale today.

I'm a little down this week. I guess it's because it was the first holiday without my daughter. It was pretty tough going through the Halloween box and seeing costumes when she was younger.

My dh also showed me a video where we went to visit our dog back when she was at the shelter and Alyssa was in the video (first one I've seen when she was alive so kind of made me feel punched in the stomach). I've been kind of sad since that.

Also there's a Red Cross blood drive in honor of Alyssa and to raise awareness of mental illness and suicide. She has such a pretty picture on the flyer that it's hard to look at when I'm posting them around the shopping centers and schools.

Anyway the rest of the kids are doing well and the youngest finally just got his cast off.

[jenji]

I'm back to start a November challenge if there's one going this month. As usual, this follows a horrendous eating week and a grand finale today.

I'm a little down this week. I guess it's because it was the first holiday without my daughter. It was pretty tough going through the Halloween box and seeing costumes when she was younger.

My dh also showed me a video where we went to visit our dog back when she was at the shelter and Alyssa was in the video (first one I've seen when she was alive so kind of made me feel punched in the stomach). I've been kind of sad since that.

Also there's a Red Cross blood drive in honor of Alyssa and to raise awareness of mental illness and suicide. She has such a pretty picture on the flyer that it's hard to look at when I'm posting them around the shopping centers and schools.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid ... =3&theater

Anyway the rest of the kids are doing well and the youngest finally just got his cast off.

Take good care of yourself. She was a lovely girl, and I'm sure the blood drive is very meaningful to her friends and to emergency patients who get the blood and plasma.

The No S diet can be a way to express your caring for yourself and for your body. Be kind to yourself during the holidays, and give yourself some good meals. We are here for you!

[Allisonmeg]

Thank you so much jenji. I know you guys are. Even when I don't post, I'm here in heart!

[Allisonmeg]

Yesterday was a solid green day, and today I had a small slip but nothing major or getting me off track. I'm not going to make a public habitcal for a little while because I just need to baby step a little bit (and give myself a greenish yellow smiley face on my calendar)

[Allisonmeg]

Not too bad for S days. We ordered pizza and I ate a baby sized twix. Went out last night. It didn't go that well, but I don't really care because I'm tired of the whole drinking thing. It never goes well for me any more.

[oolala53]

Take as many greenish-yellow smiley faces as you need! Big hugs.

[Allisonmeg]

I tried a low carb day today to see if I want to go that route (with no S) a while. I was a very successful (original) Atkins follower for 2 years.
When it didn't work for me later on, I realized it was because I was snacking on all the new low carb snacks. I discovered whipped cream and pork rinds, nuts, low carb desserts, slim jims, and peanut butter...and wondered why it wasn't working anymore!
The original worked, I believe, because I was actually eating 3 meals a day. Anyway today was a success on both counts.
I had eggs for breakfast, which I NEVER ever do. Rotisserie chix salad for lunch and chicken and half a plain burger for dinner. This from someone who is pretty much a no meat, ALL carb girl these days.

[oolala53]

Atkins for two years! I wonder if it's a sign of my being addicted to carbs that I can imagine going without meat for two years but it makes me want to cry to do the same with grains, beans, and potatoes. Or even to have to limit them to tiny amounts. How many grams of carbs were you eating daily most of that time?

I feel like I'm asking you who you went steady with were when you were in high school.

A vegetarian friend of mine for reasons other than weight loss (he was already thin but lost 15 lbs.) went keto with no meat. I talked to him about what his typical meals are, but I would need to write them down to get a good idea. I've toyed with the idea of "going keto until 6," a twist on Mark Bittman's vegan until 6 book. Yes, these options still float around in my head. I'm not sure why. Keeping to the dating metaphor, maybe these are celebrities I fantasize will fall in love with me, and then won't I be cool?

I hope this leads to the routine that will fall in love with you.

[jenji]

I love eggs for breakfast! Yum! But I eat them with carbs, too. LOL

[Larkspur]

How did you feel on fewer carbs?

[Allisonmeg]

Oolala, I am the same way. l love all carbs, could happily go without meat indefinitely. Back in those old days of going steady, I most always had 30 carbs a day.
But I ate "carbly" knockoffs, like flaxseed 'oatmeal' and pizza made with a quiche crust. It really makes eating 3 meals without snacking much easier.
Anyway, in saying all that, I also just did the keto til 6!
Fried okra and fries were my downfall. At least at lunch I said no to the giant pizza slices my husband got and had the chef salad.
I'm still in somewhat of an almost out-of-control mode, so I'll just keep coming back until it sticks.
I usually have something I'm obsessed with doing and I just have nothing right now. I have shared before my cross stitch passion over the years. I usually do very involved, intricate work that I frame and mat myself. Now I've been doing a stupid little simple ornament for the tree (over a month) and I seriously just sit and stare at it each night. Maybe my old Atkins books will bring me something?!

[oolala53]

You've probably told your story before, but what Atkins "didn'' work" anymore? You stopped losing weight or was gaining? Or missed carbs too much? 30 carbs a day doesn't allow for many potatoes, barley, or even fruit... but it sounds like using similar guidelines for your three meals is not torture to look forward to.