Moxie's Check in

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Mon May 12, 2008 3:35 am

I have known about NoS for awhile but have been trying to do the "Eat when you're hungry/Stop when full" Plan now for almost a year. I realize that a lot of my overeating is emotional so I thought that getting in touch with my hunger and examining WHY I'm eating would be helpful-meaning eating only when hungry. It hasn't been really helpful. My hunger is so haphazard and all over the place I felt like my life was becoming all about waiting for it & disecting it. And I've been dumping so much of my time into doing "work" on myself (self-help books, CD's, programs) that it's gotten to the point where I felt like I wasn't even LIVING my life anymore- just examining it. Which was making me feel lonely and deprived.

A couple of days ago I got Paul McKenna's 90 Day Journal and since then my eating has been out of control and crazed. And I realized I am just so tired of working on my "issues." I just want to live my life. Get some good solid healthy habits in place. This is not to say that I think looking into problems is a bad idea- it isn't, but in the meantime I'd like something solid to hold on to.

My work environment does not allow itself to eat whenever you want at all. Therefore, I was oftentimes feeling horrible/guilty when I would eat breakfast because I wasn't hungry. But then if I didn't, I'd overcompensate later in the day, eat too much at night and...not be hungry for breakfast. This cycle has gotten me up to 20 pounds over my comfortable weight. So I am now making a committment to 3 one plate meals a day, no sweets, no snacking on Ndays. And living my life and eating what I want on Sdays. And hopefully, this schedule will help me to acknowledge the times that I don't want to do this- and WHY (emotionally) that is. So I'll be doing my check ins here.

Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation and so is an SDay- So Day 1 I'll already be a success!!!!

The people on this board have been an amazing inspiration to me. I look forward to becoming part of the community.

blueskighs · Post by **blueskighs** » Mon May 12, 2008 3:56 am

Moxie,

Welcome... I also tried the "eat when your hungry/stop when full" ... it can get rather TIME CONSUMING and introverted to a seemingly unnecesary degree.

No S has its own profoundness. It's like you just eat those three meals a day and nothing else on your N days, and the "magic" starts to happen!

I can very much appreciate the

I am just so tired of working on my "issues." I just want to live my life.

Glad you are here,

Blueskighs

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Mon May 12, 2008 2:56 pm

Thank you so much Blue! And I have to say I LOVE your blog! It is so beautifully written and such and inspiration! Thank you for helping to pave the way for us new folks!

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Tue May 13, 2008 1:53 am

Ok, so tomorrow will be my first day. I've lazed around today (being on vacation and all), reading the book & the boards and I'm so glad I did. I learned quite a bit.

One of the things is about emotional eating- Reinhard mentions in the book that if it's something you struggle with then it's something to be extra strict with. Meaning NoS Rules 3 meals a day. Period. I love that. I had been doing a 3 month online program to deal with my eating issues and yes, I became much more AWARE of what I was doing, meaning I'd be walking around eating and saying "I am eating because I am lonely and sad." But then not stopping eating.

Since I've started working on the online program I've gained about 10 pounds. So. That wasn't really working for me. Mainly because it's just SO EASY to say "I'm an emotional eater. This is what I do. I'm lonely. I eat." Someone mentioned on one of the posts (I believe it was Blueskighs but may have been 3aday, I apologize that I don't have the correct reference) that she too had spent all this time working on eating problems and then was so surprised & amazed that just creating this habit was actually solving the problem! I hope that happens with me.

Another HUGE thing I've struggled with is not being able to sit down and concentrate on what I was eating (well I do sit down, it's just at the TV or computer.) This is mentioned in many diets (including the NoS book)- sit down, pay attention, make it a meal. I just could not do that at all. Ever. I thought a lot about that today. I've always given it great emotional weight- always thought it was because it made me feel lonely and abandoned because I grew up with only my mom and she stopped cooking for me when I was in 5th grade and I'd never had a family dinner and blah blah blah and that maybe it was just bringing up a bunch of old "stuff."

But when I really thought about it today I realized that that wasn't it. It's that I when I have made myself sit down to eat meals I was still unconciously eating diet foods. This was a big revelation for me. I wasn't enjoying my meals because I wasn't really eating what I wanted. THAT'S what was upsetting me and making me feel not satisfied. Then I'd just leave the table and continue eating (bingeing) on the food thinking "well, at least it's not dairy!" (marilu hennner/fit for life diet) or "well, at least it's not carbs!" (atkins). This is crazy making. I have flipped flopped between these 2 diets for YEARS- many times in one day!

So I started thinking about what if I ate what I really wanted- soup and bread, cheese and crackers, a burrito (following the one plate rule of course). Now THOSE kinds of meals would make me want to sit at the table and pay attention!!!! So I went out and bought foods I really, really like. (Or at least remember I like- I haven't had them in so long, who knows? But I guess I'll find out

) It was such a freeing experience. Now I am excited to have my one plate meals!

I know there will be difficult times ahead but I am looking forward to the journey.

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Tue May 13, 2008 2:34 am

One last thing...

I have been all bent out of shape and pressed for time to lose this 20 pounds because my 20 year high school reunion is coming up in August. I had figured out how many pounds a week I'd need to lose by then to make my goal. This is crazymaking and putting too much pressure on myself. I want to become a normal eater and be rid of this obsession with food and my body- not lose for a big event. So instead, I just decided to plug in the numbers to equal that I'd like to lose 20 pounds in one year from today. The weight I'd need to lose is irrelevant- more it's that I wanted to make a committment to myself to do this program for a year. So I think I'll work on forming this habit...and then weigh myself in a year.

So on 5/13/09 I'll weigh in!

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Tue May 13, 2008 11:40 pm

Day 1 : Success!

I am checking in now with the hopes that it will prevent me from continuing to eat. Because I really want to.

B: 1 piece toast with butter & hardboiled egg
Small yogurt

L: Salad with cheese & ranch dressing
Banana

D: Small bean & cheese burrito, cottage cheese
Triscuits and cheese slices (yes this all fit on one plate!

)

I am pretty horrified that I ate all this today. That last meal alone must've been 1,000 calories! It's WAY more than I normally eat (unless on binge of course). I found myself considerably more obsessed with food than I have been in a long time. I never really got too physically hungry but I was counting down the minutes until my next meal. It took up a lot of space in my mind. It was horrible. I even ate dinner earlier than usual.

So this was not a good day for me. I am not used to eating breakfast (usually just coffee and half & half) and when I do eat breakfast I find it sets me up for more hunger & obsession during the day. I am honestly not sure I can stick to it (the breakfast) as it makes me so physically and emotionally uncomfortable. When I was at my natural thinnest weight- completely non-obsessed about food, eating whatever I wanted, happy & carefree, I found that I would eat 2 meals a day. It's what I did for a long, long time. (The only reason I ever changed is because a doctor put me on a very restrictive diet believing I was having health problems- I believe now these were emotional issues as the deprivation of the diet certainly didn't help! And worst of all, set me up for 10 years of hell)

So I don't know what to do. Oh well, as of today I've been a success.

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Tue May 13, 2008 11:46 pm

Oh wait! I completely forgot to mention my biggest success of the day!

I SAT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND PAID ATTENTION TO MY DINNER!!!!

I think I've only done this once in the past 10 years. My roommate came in and said "Whoa. You're actually having a real dinner." Hahaha! Even she was surprised!

I am super proud of myself for that.

blueskighs · Post by **blueskighs** » Wed May 14, 2008 3:44 am

When I was at my natural thinnest weight- completely non-obsessed about food, eating whatever I wanted, happy & carefree, I found that I would eat 2 meals a day. It's what I did for a long, long time.

My husband is a two meal a day eater too, he just DOES NOT work with breakfast.

Blueskighs

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Thu May 15, 2008 12:16 am

Day 2: Success!

B: 1 p. toast with butter, hb egg
yogurt, coffee

L: Salad w/ cheese and blue cheese dressing

D: english muffin w/ vegetarian sausage & cheese slice
triscuits and cheese

I definitely don't need all that for breakfast. It really makes me too full and I don't have a lot of time to eat all that. I'm going to go down to yogurt & coffee.

I seem to be obsessed with cheese. It seems to be all I want. Hopefully I'll grow out of this. It reminds me of Geneen Roth's story about how when she started eating what she wanted she ate only chocolate chip cookie dough for 2 weeks. And then after 2 weeks she couldn't even look at a cookie.

I hope that happens to me with cheese.

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Fri May 16, 2008 1:28 am

Day 3: SUCCESS!

B: Coffee & Yogurt

L: 1p. toast & hb egg
salad with cheese and blue cheese dressing (they seem to be out of my ranch

)

D: Almond butter & apple butter sandwich on Ezekial bread
Tortilla chips... and 2 pieces of cheese thrown in for good measure

Today I bought the toast & hb egg again for breakfast. I never had time to eat it, nor did I end up wanting it. So I had it with my lunch, hoping it would make my cheese salad smaller- it did, but it wasn't worth it. I really only wanted the salad for lunch and the addition made me too full. So now I really know- I just don't need to buy the toast & hb egg for breakfast. Yogurt & coffee are fine for now- and probably at some point coffee will be enough.

I keep wanting to get where I was- not obsessing about food, eating whatever AND being at my natural weight. But I do have to keep reminding myself that coming to that point was a real journey- and it took like 3 years. I suffered from an eating disorder in hs & college and eventually (and in addition to other things) went to OA. My abstinence consisted of 3 meals a day- of WHATEVER I wanted. This included junk, sweets whatever. I would have huge bags of trailmix & yogurt covered things for most lunches. Pints of ice cream for dinner.

I ended up leaving OA but I didn't leave the feeling that no food is forbidden. Over time, food lost it's emotional appeal, I lost weight, ended up eating what I wanted and was pretty darn thin and normal.

My point is that I want to go from here to there. RIGHT NOW. From being obsessed to 2 calm meals a day and being thin. However, looking back I remember I didn't leap from one to the other-it took time, and it probably will now too. So for now, I eat my 3 meals a day. I'll see what happens.

Saturday night my friend was going to come over and we were going to have a girls night of appetizers, wine and catching up. Well now she's moved it to tomorrow. Friday. An N Day. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I will plate everything first. Or (although I know not recommended) I will switch Friday & Saturday as Saturday I have no plans & will be home. I really don't want to obsess about it too much.

But I will say this- before my first meal tomorrow I will decide what my plan is and stick with it!

trytrytry · Post by **trytrytry** » Fri May 16, 2008 10:27 am

Hi Moxie!
Welcome to noS! I've not been here too long myself, but I do think it is a great system!
Thanks for your post too - I did notice before you were talking about emotional eating here and I feel like I could totally identify myself with what you say:

I became much more AWARE of what I was doing, meaning I'd be walking around eating and saying "I am eating because I am lonely and sad." But then not stopping eating.

I guess I am at this stage now. NoS has helped me to realize how big role emotional eating plays in my life. I'm still struggling with finding a good long term solution, that will actually STOP ME when I want to eat, because of my emotions, but I'm slowly starting to see the light

Hope you are still enjoying paying attention to your food!

try-try

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Fri May 16, 2008 12:26 pm

Hi Try,

I know, it is definitely an ongoing struggle. For me, all I can really do is just make sure i'm eating whatever I want at my meals, no matter how strange or large they are. This at least prevents me from feeling deprived. Deprivation ties into a lot of other emotions for me which makes it difficult to stop eating. I am hoping that once the habit is ingrained things will smooth out!

I think you're doing great! I believe this really can work for us.

Moxie

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Fri May 16, 2008 5:21 pm

So I have decided today will be a NWS, if only for tonight. But what I do plan on doing is plating everything first instead of grazing. The rest of my day has been normal so far, normal meals. So I'll see how it goes tonight.

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Sat May 17, 2008 3:57 pm

So last night was SO fun but such a FAILURE!

I'm not going to even try to pretend it wasn't. A lot of champagne and a lot of food. But you know what? I'm fine with it. It was a great night and I don't feel guilty in the least. I was starting to get a little weird in thinking "Oh no, I have to start over now!" Nope, not going to do it. Continuing to 'start over' is diet mentality. This is how I want to live my life- and if I have an off day, well, it is what it is. I'm sure there will be other failures as well. But I'd like to keep this process linear- just moving forward, not stopping and starting. The only thing I'd like to work on is that I was a little too full afterwards- it's just not comfortable. So that's something I'll work on.

But overall I am really proud of myself- ate all 3 dinners this week at the table on a plate! Yay me! So I'm going to just continue soldering on.

Day 4: Failure

B: Yogurt & coffee with 1/2 &1/2

L: salad with cheese and ranch

D: crackers with brie & turkey slices
chips and hummus
vegies & ranch dressing
lemon blueberry cake
Copious amounts of wine and champagne

So today and tomorrow are S days. All is well.

trytrytry · Post by **trytrytry** » Sun May 18, 2008 8:30 am

Hi Moxie!
If you made Friday as your special day then it's not really a noS failure! Even a crazy day is still and S day!!!
try-try

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Mon May 19, 2008 12:26 pm

Thank you Try! Yeah, I'm not too worried about it. I just want to make sure I don't feel like I have to start over. That doesn't work too well for me.

Saturday & Sunday (Day 5 and 6) were S-Days so: Success!

Today is Monday so back to N-Days. I think that over the next few weeks I'm going to start Glass Ceiling as well. I don't drink that often but when I do it's sometimes too much- not crazy, but I feel crappy the next day and eat too much of not good things. I think I'll start tracking that next week. I'm supposed to be working on a project and I need to be a little more well rested on the weekends to do it.

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Tue May 20, 2008 1:28 am

Oh wow! I'm at Day 7 already! I've been doing this for a week. Time flies when you're not dieting.

Day 7: Success!

B: yogurt, coffee w/ 1/2 & 1/2

L: salad with cheese and ranch dressing

D: Almond butter sandwich on Ezekial
Tortilla chips

I read while eating dinner. There was an article I really wanted to read and will have no other time tonight. No biggie, but tomorrow I will pay attention to my dinner & not do anything else. I really want to learn to become super comfortable doing that. At least I sat at the table though!

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Wed May 21, 2008 2:11 am

Day 8: FAILURE!

B: Coffee w/ 1/2 & 1/2
small yogurt
1 piece toast with butter & 1 hb egg

L: Salad with cheese and ranch dressing

D: About 500 peanut butter m&m's

Strangely I feel fine about this. There are a lot of changes going on in my job- which is making me wonder if perhaps I need to leave. I am here in NYC to follow a particular dream and then I got lucky (?) enough to fall into a job where I could make a lot of money...in about a year. But within that year I will have to work many, many hours. Therefore putting off my dream. So I am struggling with the need to be financially comfortable and having to put my dream on hold- or somehow incorporate them both into my life. To do this I would have to be incredibly disciplined with my time and there won't be a lot of room for fun or leisure. So it's sort of been stressing me out. I'm wondering if it might be better to take a less demanding job so I'll have more time but then...I'll never be able to improve my lifestyle and really feel like and adult financially.

I also have a four day weekend this weekend which has been stressing me out regarding N-Days. It's easier to do S-Days during the work week, not so much when I'm on "vacation." I really, really don't want to feel deprived. But I also don't want to go overboard.

With all of this thinking going on I got very tired. And my stomach has been feeling too full and bloated lately (my meals are just too big even though I don't feel like I'm eating that much) and oddly the result of this feeling I decided, quite rationally in my mind, that I would binge. So that was that.

I used to do this almost every night (the m&m dinner) and haven't for quite some time. I'm not really worried it will become a habit. But I guess we'll see. It wasn't as fun as I remembered. In fact, it was more of a deliberate decision than an overwhelming urge. I suppose I did it to tune out- which I was aware of before I started. But I also toyed with the idea of doing a workout dvd to tune out instead. This time the binge won out. Maybe next time it won't. All I know is that I didn't feel as numb as I remembered- what I'm trying to say is that it left a lot to be desired. So onward and upward I suppose.

Another thing is that this new work schedule is changing the times of my meals. I don't like that although actually it will probably be a better fit for my body as my dinner will be earlier. I'll now have to eat dinners at work, meaning lunch will be smaller and breakfasts may be bigger. This is odd for me.

I don't like change.

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Thu May 22, 2008 1:21 am

Day 9: Success!

B: coffee with 1/2&1/2
yogurt

L: salad with cheese & ranch

D: Almond butter sandwich on Ezekial bread
Tortilla chips

Yeah, today I was a little tired, cranky, emotional and headachy from the m&m dinner last night.

Oh well.

My meals are still too big. I can tell they're too big because I'm overfull and bloated. And I'm not really getting that hungry between meals. I am still afraid of getting hungry- that is the problem. So that's ok for now. I'm not going to try to reduce them yet. Although looking back, they do look smaller than my first week.

Writer110 · Post by **Writer110** » Sat May 24, 2008 4:44 pm

Day 10 (Thursday): Success!

B: coffee & 1/2 & 1/2, yogurt

L: salad with cheese and ranch

D: Beer

Of course I am not recommending that type of dinner. It's just that I went to happy hour with co-workers and had a few beers. They had appetizers but I wasn't hungry yet. By the time I got home I was still full & feeling a little bloated from the beers. I did not feel like making myself eat and then being uncomfortable and not being able to sleep well. So I didn't.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday are all going to be S-days. I am home from work and that's just what I'd like to do. I am not really worried about overeating and would really like to just enjoy my time off without restrictions. Again, this is probably not recommended as I just had a vacation last week too. But most important to me is getting on a schedule during work & not feeling guilty no matter what I do. I don't have any time off or any NWS days coming up for a long while so after this weekend I will be back on No S schedule competely.