Hi Auto! Funny all the IN's around here. I am actually an INFP, not an INTP, so I am a feeler as well. Lots of decision making based on my feelings. It makes my marriage to a T exciting!automatedeating wrote: ↑Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:01 pmHi Ladybird! What in the world is the lurgy? Well, nevermind, I took the liberty of looking it up:
Ha! And I was even pronouncing it wrong.
INTJ ? And Pinkhippie is INTP. And I am INFJ. Are we a forum of "INs"? Introverted Visionaries? Ha! And perhaps you read where I used to test as a "T" but since all this counseling I'm firmly an F! Double Ha!!! Actually, I really do think it's finally spot on - I think my upbringing and my coping mechanisms had me awkwardly always trying to deny my feelings. In fact, I think I'm kind of extreme with the F thing. I'm starting to pick apart why being around someone that is feeling upset so profoundly causes my system to go wonk-wire (I just made that word up). The advantage I suppose I have at coming to the "feeling" world so late in life is that I have my left brain skills firmly in place to keep me from joining a cult, for example.
Friday, Sept 6
FBG: 98 (you know, this number has definitely improved since tightening up my eating. That said, it's still nowhere near what it was when I drank wine everyday. How's that for shite life luck...?)
B: coffee w/milk, handful walnuts + few bites yogurt
L: yogurt w/berries (2 hours post-meal BG: 108)
D: date night - french onion soup + steak gorgonzola salad
decaf coffee w/milk
fail - 2 keto peanut butter cookies that Sexy had made. I should have waited until tomorrow, but I was feeling weak about things.
taking it easy today. planning to swim with creator and go on after meal gentle walks.
went on a pretty long walk/jog w/HappyHerder after lunch and dinner.
I'm feeling a bit put-upon by my family. I've been working so hard to be there for each of them, listen, not judge, be validating, etc. And I'm worn down. Creator in particular has been so needy the last couple of months. He sleeps in our bedroom a lot (he's 10 so this is pretty old for this behavior, but we are mostly fine with it if he needs it). He made a little nest in the corner that he comes and piles into. He is a very sensitive child and doesn't have a lot of friends. He really does have a huge zest for life - it's not like he acts depressed or unhappy - but he wants to be with me, and be touching me, and talking to me - so much of the time. Part of me suspects it is a "rebound" effect from my years of drinking in the evening when I would tell him to go upstairs (so I could drink in peace before bed, right...?!) and he didn't get the nurturing he needed from me. I view this as the universe's way of putting in kids a sensor that allows them to tell when there is an opportunity to improve an attachment. So I am going with it. Eventually, this kiddo will hit puberty and my window for this sort of repair from the childhood years will close.
This window has already closed with Challenger13, who is also very difficult for me to support, but for different reasons. Actually, if Challenger were my only one, I think at this point he and I would do OK most of the time. We are very similar in the way we think about things. However, my husband and I both were so dismissive of both boys (but Challenger moreso and for longer) at times (again, me partly due to drinking and partly due to my baggage), and so Challenger is quite closed off from his more tender feelings. A couple days ago he cried about something (not being able to make brownies after 9pm, if you're really curious), and I nearly jumped for joy (don't worry, I restrained myself). That is so rare for him to show that kind of vulnerability these days. My therapist keeps reassuring me that my changing behavior can still provide Challenger (and Creator) with better emotional strategies and skills, even though I flubbed up royally for most of their lives.
As parents, I know we do the best we can. I'm not beating myself up about this by laying it all out here (I hope it doesn't come across that way), and although I have moments of guilt and self-flagellation, I am working through them. I know that I can only do what I can to be a present, supportive parent that still provides firm, reasonable boundaries. (that's the toughest one when you are also trying to be empathetic - damn it!).
I think that, taken in total, the above paragraphs explain that, emotionally, I am giving my all with my family, and I'm just feeling worn out. It's like the way my muscles feel after lifting weights. It doesn't mean I'll never lift again, but I need to not stay in the weight room 24/7. LOL.
And lastly, the things I just shared probably are the source of the urges I had yesterday to drink wine as well as seek out some comfort food. I was able to ride out these cravings (a craving is not a command) without too much effort, but effort was definitely required. I wonder what feeling in particular leads straight to the "wanna sit on couch with wine". I have some work to do to pick at this idea, but in general it's something about feeling "enough is enough" or "everybody leave me alone" or "I just want to veg out" or "please god make everyone go away". This FASCINATES me - not the wine/junk food desires, but because I have hardly been around anyone!!!! I mean, yes, I've been back and work and socially a bit every day, but nothing like the number of people I'll be around once classes start up. Apparently even seeing a few people every day is difficult for me! Being alone all summer was like a balm to me. Now my introverted self is freaking out a bit and feeling sorry for itself and wanting to nurse a bottle of wine (or at least some ice cream!) when it finally gets home and can put its feet up.
I enjoyed this article - this man's journey is quite similar to my own blood sugar journey. Indeed, even the types of exercise that he does seem to be the same as what is best for my own blood sugar control as well.https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/health ... y-diabetes
The growth mindset book is amazing to me. It's really just all about how much of a difference our mindset can make in our lives. For example, believing that you can achieve things only because of your natural talent or abilities, versus believing that if you work hard, you can achieve great things. Fixed, you can never change your intelligence or abilities, and growth, you can improve your intelligence and abilities. How important it is to praise kids by not saying "you are so smart," But "wow you worked really hard on that, good job!". There is a lot more to it of course but I think that is the gist.
I really relate to trying to be a parent who is present, supportive and sets firm boundaries, and how difficult that can be. And giving your family your all emotionally. For example, I can tell right now that I need time to myself, yet my 10 year old wants to talk and I can't bear to tell her that I can't listen to her right now. So, I am sitting here listening to her when its the last thing I want to do. That is probably not the best... but its very hard to step back from what I perceive as my family and children's needs.