S Day!
127.8
Eating
B: coffee w/milk, bacon & eggs
L: tortilla chips & guacamole
dessert: piece of leftover Costco birthday cake
D: tortilla chips, cheese, refried beans, guacamole, sour cream
Alcohol: 2 glasses of wine
Moving
nothing
Spending
Local grocery - refried beans, pastured eggs, english muffins
Reading
nothing last night
Warning - alcohol ramble coming -
I'm sorry that you all have to see my constant alcohol struggle.
![Confused :?](./images/smilies/icon_confused.gif)
Apologies in advance if this is all TMI - please skip if this is stressful or disgusting for you to read.....
But I think it's important for me to document it. I started a dry December and it's been a complete failure. I did a pretty good dry September and the first half of August, so I think I just picked a particularly bad time of year with December.
My brother is a recovering alcoholic. I think my sister is an alcoholic. My dad never drinks, my mom is very light in her drinking (although she has spoken of alcoholics on her side of the family). My other sister rarely drinks and seems to have no attraction to it. I've considered complete abstinence (lots of times), and I've considered MANY ways to moderate, and tried quite a few methods (I always fail). I was feeling mightily discouraged about ever being able to moderate. I was reading quite a bit yesterday about the efforts to moderate drinking. I guess it's not that common to fail, and then eventually some people decide to give it up forever. Others succeed at finding that moderation.
Here are the moderation efforts I have made:
*buy a certain amount at the start of the week and don't buy anymore when that's gone. Probable causes of failure - My husband will often bring home some and then I can't resist; or I buy some because I feel it justifies a particularly hard day.
*Picking certain days that are alcohol-free. Probable cause of failure - justification of extra day needed because I deserve to have a break
Here are some successes (however minimal they may be):
*I very rarely get drunk or feel that I had too much to drink. I'm quite good at sensing when I feel mildly relaxed and then stopping. The desire to avoid any bad feelings associated with alcohol is very good at stopping me from drinking too much.
*My moderation efforts at least successfully curt-tail steady, daily drinking. Even though I feel like a failure, these efforts keep me from sliding straight into alcoholism.
*I successfully have 1 or 2 dry months every year. I've done 40 days multiple times as well.
Here's what I like about drinking (red wine is my preference):
1. It relaxes me and sometimes helps me warm up a little
2. It is pleasurable tasting
3. My gut feeling is that it's potentially healthy for me, particularly cardiovascular health.
4. It keeps me from snacking in the evening, because it is like a special treat for me.
5. update/edit after this stream of consciousness entry -- it provides escape from the life that I feel trapped in.
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
What I don't like about my drinking:
1. It is almost every night and takes concerted effort to take nights off.
2. It could encourage my kids to use alcohol for coping.
3. It is expensive.
4. I occasionally drink too much and don't feel good the next day
5. I definitely drink over the recommended govt. guidelines. And yes, I keep track.
What would it look like for me to be comfortable with my drinking?
*it would include days off every week
*it would mean drinking 7 drinks max per week
I think I need to consider how many more attempts at moderation I will allow myself before I decide I just won't drink at all anymore.
Also, I find that I'm usually pretty good at sticking to my commitments, etc. Something about alcohol use is different for me (apparently, based on my repeated failures). It's as though I don't really want to stop or even reduce my drinking. I think there's a little rebel inside of me that is damned determined it deserves to get a few moments to itself everyday. The alcohol is an escape from the grind of my life.
I think I've possibly discussed this elsewhere, but I wonder if my alcohol use is similar to sugar addicts or overeating issues. Oolala is always telling people they will only stop when the desire to avoid the bad stuff is greater than the desire to indulge right now. Well.....I am not convinced that avoiding alcohol is really better for me health-wise (I know that there is evidence both ways, but sometimes these convictions are not really about data, you know what I mean???). Maybe that's not rational, but I'm not scared enough about alcohol consequences. So I have this very obvious internal struggle going on.
Yesterday I was contemplating that I do much better as a mom when I don't drink. I wondered if that would/could be the inspiration I need to make long-lasting improvements in my drinking. Update/edit upon rereading -- that's the whole problem!!! I think I'm already trying as hard as I can as a parent, and the alcohol is what I turn to when I can't take another second of domesticity.
I think that drinking is a way for me to escape the burdens and obligations of parenthood. It's like I don't have better coping skills. And I feel kind of angry imagining the suggestions people might give me -- go for a walk - take a bath - read a book - listen to music - run errands - do a craft - call a friend - clean the house - eat ice cream. None of these seem like adequate replacements. I really think there are so many things about raising kids that I just don't like and wish I didn't have to do. The constant discipline that Challenger13 requires wears out my last ATP molecule. And the nurturing that Creator9 needs sucks out my last generosity drip. Deep down, I'm super selfish and don't want to serve others. I like to do my own thing. The drudgery of life weighs down on me. There's always so much to do. I think I resent that I have so much to do. Uh-oh. Maybe that means deep down I'm super LAZY. Lazy and selfish, sounds delightful. How do healthy, non-drinking people cope with the stresses of life? My sister-in-law is raising 6 kids and she never drinks. I honestly get skin-crawly thinking about having to live her life. I'm sorry everyone. I sound terrible and probably you are thinking I never should have had children (go ahead and think it - I think it all the time....)
Is marijuana the new acceptable "escape" drug? Maybe I could stop drinking and use that instead.
![Smile :-)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
For a VERY short time, I had a Xanax prescription (Fall 2016). I've got to say, those pills were the best! That's the feeling I love, and I can totally see how I'm seeking that with alcohol. They even work on the same brain receptors.