s-day.
but i had told myself i wasn't going to take it. really i didn't want it....last night.
and i didn't think that i wanted it till about 4:30pm today.
i had a normal breakfast. was really hungry for it. pb oats.
got home from a long morning at church and ate lunch about 3pm.
really hungry.
but made a nice turkey salad, almonds, and greek yogurt.
nice, filling. done. enjoyed. yay.
hour later was anxious and had some work to do via email for my church job.
had that "oh i need some sweets!" feeling to get me through.
"oh it's an s day and wouldn't it be lovely to munch something mindlessly while doing work?".
but i don't have anything in the house!
and it's the sabbath so i won't go buy anything!
i remembered i had a box of "good and plenty" candy (not even that great) in my cupboards leftover from the baby shower (pink and white licorice). ate 'em while i typed away.
a favorite of mine in getting stuff done, in college, etc. makes bad times go easier..?
it started a drawn out BINGE not necessarily of good yummy stuff that i was dying for, but just to eat.
to numb out.
it was reminiscent of college days. bowls of cereal, kids' granola bars, bites of my boys' cold spaghetti, animal cracker, graham cracker, and TONS of sweet potato chips. holy carbs!
but i'm here now.
and i'm okay.
not really. i'm dazed. bloated and mad at myself even though i know all the experts are like, "move on"!. but it's hard when you feel like you just woke up from an outer body experience to "move on"!..."no big deal!".
it's like i need to pay penitence.
am i addicted to the beat yourself up and resolve to be better cycle like an abusive husband/boyfriend?
i'm scared how much i'm so all or nothing.
is this no-s thing awesome? or the second i veer away from it, is it working against me b/c i go all haywire?
but in all reality, i know i don't like life without no-s.
i know it's here to stay. but that certain behaviors are not.
maybe it screwed me up b/c you know how i had chocolate and popcorn last night?
and weighed myself this morning and was 121? felt great, right?!
i think subconsciously maybe i'm all, "oh i can eat without gaining weight?"
i know tomorrow will show up on the scale for sure.
or, whenever i start to feel good and thinner, i sabotage myself.
can't succeed.
but keep the eye on the prize liz. good habits. not weight.
things i coulda done better tonight:
i had no clue what i was going to eat for dinner.
i was going to make up some conglomeration of whatever was in the fridge.
sometimes if i'm not at all excited about what's coming up next, i'm just like, "may as well mess up my good streak...with, well, anything...."
but not too tasty, just super binge-acious.
next time: have a plan.
my plan only last till lunch.
in the beck book, i skimmed over the part where it said: plan your meals for the next day.
i thought: lame, not for me because i can wing it.
maybe not so. i think it's good. not to a tee, but a general idea. my boys had had leftover spaghetti (yuck), and husband outta town. i didn't need something yummy? maybe i did.
next time:
make a choice or don't.
i had not really backfired to myself the words: 'NO CHOICE' when i considered some candy...which lead to the binge.
if it had been an N day, the "NO CHOICE" would have for sure been in force.
but today i rationalized. not like my body was like, "oh ya liz, i was going to remind you you can eat anything because it's an S day, remember?"...hahah.
note: if the debate is open at all, i will let a negotiation, or a candy bar creep on in.
next time: sit down.
next time: don't eat out of bags. but it felt so rebellious and cool to pick off plates.
next time: think of how i always feel at body pump tuesday when i want to put on my tank top and not see my muscle arms covered in a layer of fat. i know that those muscles are dying to show themselves, but can't. because i'm eating too much. no amount of working out will help if diet's not aligned.
okay i'm done analyzing.
binges really are the worst.
you're not yourself with your kids and the second you come out you're like:
woah, baby. what happened?
not cool. so not cool.
the end.