BritishFool Check-In

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Wed Feb 20, 2013 6:52 pm

I guess I'll just use this as my little vent space. It might be just what I need. If anybody is passing through and has any input, I'd be more than happy to receive feedback.

Alright, here we go.

I am seventeen years old and a binge eater. I believe I've figured out why: it's genetic. Not binge eating, necessarily, but the obsessive gene. Literally every person in my family--on both sides--has an obsessive personality and has struggled with at least two kinds of addictions throughout their lives. It's not my fault. I can beat myself up all I want, but I know that in the end it is NOT my fault. Completely, that is.

Last year, I was addicted to losing weight. It made me feel great. The more I did it, the better I felt. I needed to lose weight, don't get me wrong, but it got to the point of being excessive. I should have stopped around 140 pounds as I had originally planned, but I wanted to challenge myself. So I kept losing weight. After my doctor told me I had quite literally given myself hyperthyroidism and I became unbearably frustrated with not even being able to allow myself an M&M, I decided to make an attempt to derail the crazy train. At a whopping 117 pounds, I started to eat sweets again--and went insane. I developed a habit of eating everything in sight, and have been battling this new habit since last July.

From July-September it was sort of okay--I gained five pounds and was pretty okay with myself. Then I submitted my application to my dream school on October 3rd and started to use food as a crutch to deal with the stress of the waiting game. I started gaining weight at an absurd rate and was 157 pounds when I got my acceptance letter only two months later.

I thought knowing the decision of my college fate would help me, but it didn't. Binge eating was a habit now. I'm now teetering on 177 pounds--two pounds heavier than my previous all-time high.

I need to lose weight. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and confident around food. You know, I'm going to meet lots of really sweet and nice (AND FIT) guys that I would love to get to know, but what kind of guy like that would ever want someone who is so unstable with eating? Who doesn't have a good image of her own body? Who is just... not sexy?

A huge problem I see coming is that I'm meeting a bunch of my future classmates (that I've met and talked to on our Facebook board) in April. My most recent pictures are my senior pictures, which were taken in August when I was 122 lbs. What are they going to think of me when they meet me and I'm not beautiful like that anymore? Will they even like me at all? They'll think I'm a flake, a lie...

Food. Food is ridiculous. We need it, so we eat it, and yet if we have too much it hurts us. Severely. I guess that's just like most anything else we need, though, isn't it?

Why does this have to happen to me? And why right now? I don't understand. But maybe I shouldn't try to. I should just fight back. I don't need that chocolate. I just don't. Deciding whether or not to eat that chocolate is deciding whether or not to recover live a happy life. That's what it comes down to. I want to be able to walk in a room, see a cute new guy, and have the confidence to walk up and say hi. I can't have that if I stay like this. No way in Hell.

It's hard doing this while living with my parents. My dad eats like a madman and my mom eats nothing but candy... It's ridiculous. I hate it. It would be so easy if I could control what's within my reach, but I can't. Mom brings home junk food every single day even though I've been asking her on a regular basis since August not to. She just doesn't care. I CARE. I DON'T WANT DIABETES, AND IT'S GETTING TO THAT POINT.

Well, in terms of today, I'm already doing horribly. I've eaten so much food already today that I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't even know why. Low blood sugar this morning? Ehhh. Come on, I can do it. There is no reason at all that I can't.

I guess I'll end with some wise words of Alexander Trimble:
"There is no time for wasting any time."

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:51 pm

Yesterday was day one... it went well! It got a little hard toward the end of the day because that's when I usually snack, but I had a few carrot sticks and a pickle and was fine.

That makes today day two. It's also going very well! I'm going over to a friend's house in about an hour to study for our upcoming academic decathlon competition. He's ordering a pizza for dinner. I'm not really a pizza-eater--I mean I love pizza, but I usually try to avoid eating it because it makes me feel crappy. Oh well, no snacks afterward. I'll just have to wait until tomorrow morning.

The first three days are always the hardest for this sort of thing. I just have to keep pushing through. It will be so worth it.

And another Alex Trimble quote:
"Take the deep end, swim 'til you can stand... 'Cause it will make a difference in the end."

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Sat Feb 23, 2013 5:53 am

On second thought, today will be one of this week's S days. I'm not doing anything tomorrow but I went to a get-together today, so why not?

I just stepped on the scale too. Up to 179. )':

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 5:55 am

Day 4 - Happy S-day!

This is a bit personal, but my period decided to grace me with its presence today, full swing. I was really hormonal all day so I ate a lot. No bigs though! It's an s-day. (:

Here's tow great tomorrow and whole journey with another Alex Trimble quote:
"You gotta step up your game to make it to the top, so go!"

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Tue Feb 26, 2013 3:45 am

Day 5 - A great day! Woo hoo!

Now there's a risk of screwing up tomorrow because the second day in a row without sweets tends to be tough for me... But I'm going to get through it. Definitely. Piece of cake.

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Wed Feb 27, 2013 3:51 am

Day 6 - And success! Only one more day until I've made a week YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!

I called an old friend tonight and we talked for a long time. What an awesome distraction. I miss her.

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Thu Feb 28, 2013 5:15 am

Day 7 - WEEEEE! I've made it through a week FINALLY! I'm so happy!

BritishFool · Post by **BritishFool** » Fri Mar 01, 2013 4:14 am

Day 8 - And crash. I guess it all started because I was starving and my aunt made scones. Sigh. But I'm just marking the day and moving on...