Linda's daily check-in

[lpearlmom]

Yup the teen years are so challenging. Don’t get me wrong, they're some great things too. They are a lot of fun at this age when theyre not driving me crazy and it’s pretty cool to see them becoming little adults.

Auto: thank you. One thing give always try to do is own my mistakes with them. I feel like unspoken apologies are the things of unhealed wounds. And yeah i guess its pretty normal for kids not to have mastered gratitude yet. Why else have parents been telling the “i used to have to walk 20 miles in the snow to get to school each day” story for so long? i guess they're too busy trying to master this growing up stuff. (Thank you for the sweet compliment. )

I was too tired to post last night so here’s yesterday:

Day: 5

Fasted: 19/7 We went out to dinner so had to extend my window a bit. I really wanted something sweet when we got home so ended up extending it even longer. I noticed when i drink it makes it harder to stick to the plan.

Off days left: 14 but think I’ll have to take one today as i have a cooking class this morning.

Food:
Snack (2pm): smoothie, grapes, small bag of skinny popcorn
Dinner: lots of vegan food, glass wine, a sangria
Dessert: 1/2 cookie, couple bites ice cream, tiny bowl of chocolate covered gummy bears

Pounds lost with current regime: 0
Total pounds lost: 35

Body fat%: 30.3
Body fat lost: 0 and Ive gained like 7% since i stopped fasting. Crazy. :/

Mood: Sooooo much better. I can feel the depression finally lifting and life feels a bit less overwhelming. Thank goodness I've learned to just hang in there till it passes. Ive learned not to fall into total despair.

Hunger level: v high! Yesterday i woke up hungry and was starving by 2 pm. I know my body will adjust but can be tough in the meantime.

Miles walked: 5.3 woot!

[lpearlmom]

Day 6

Ate way too too much! My mood started high but ended a little shaky. I was looking at old photos with sweetpea and had so many feelings. It was hard looking at that awkward little girl and then that beautiful young woman who had no clue how beautiful she was and then my kids when they were tiny and how bittersweet that all is and friendships that ended badly and friendships that just grew apart and so many missed opportunities and regrets. Moments I wish I could relive and others I wish I could redo. Life is just so beautiful and so horrible all at once. It’s just a lot.

Okay time to go to bed.

[automatedeating]

Oh, my. Looking at old photos is definitely no small undertaking! I often cry and then feel exhausted after such an endeavor.
I love this sentence best though -

that awkward little girl and then that beautiful young woman who had no clue how beautiful she was

[lpearlmom]

So I don’t mean to be overly dramatic but am planning on taking a little break from this board. I just didn’t want my last post to be the one about the photos as that’s just too depressing so wanted to post one more time before my break.

I just cannot diet in any way shape or form anymore. I wish i could stick around and explore what that meant for me but this place is just so triggering for me. It’s such a great support system with so many awesome ppl but at the same time it’s still difficult for me to see ppl’s numbers, and their struggles to try to eat less. I think I just need to put aside any weight loss goals & turn off all the outside noise for a bit and figure out what I really want, need and can realistically do.


Anyway, best of luck to everyone on their journey and I so appreciate all the amazing support you've all given me. My plan is to check in about once a month.

Take care!

[automatedeating]

Lots of love to you, Linda. Take care. I will miss you but very much understand that a break could be really good for you - just what you need.

[Thisisnotabadidea-]

I'm at a very similar headspace right now, I get you.

[Octavia]

Take care Linda, I hope you have a refreshing break and come back to us feeling happy and strong. The boards can be a bit like Facebook I guess - it’s possible to be triggered by all sorts of random stuff. Will miss your posts but look forward to hearing from you again soon. X

[jenji]

I hope you have a restorative break, Linda!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks, you guys!

Well things have been a bit rough. I continue to gain weight and am definitely starting menopause. I had my first hot flash today and am having other fun symptoms. Also, dh got his blood work back and his results were not good. Its back to low carb and exercise for him. We also had a huge fight yesterday and we hardly ever fight. I think we needed to have ot though. We had to clear the air.

Im trying to figure out what to do about my weight. Im sure hormones our a big part of it but Im also thinking of going back to fasting. I wish so badly i had just hung in there and not been so hard in myself.

i just read through the last year or two of my thread and im feeling really bummed that i gave up fasting. I was doing so well with it for so long. I should have:

1) taken my weight fluctuations more in stride.
2) not told ppl i was actively trying to lose weight as i felt a lot of pressure
3) not based my self worth on my weight or even my attractiveness as nobody seems to be treating me any differently at my current weight.
4) stop seeking out external validation esp regarding my appearance. I noticed Id too easily get discouraged by what ppl did or didnt say re: my weight.
5) never given up clean fasting. I bet this had a lot to do with my weight creeping back up.
6) taken breaks instead of quitting when i was feeling burnt out.

Im going to try fasting again this week and see how it goes. I just need to put the brakes on the weight gain if nothing else.

I did a 5 hr window from 11am-4 pm today.

179.8 ((
Break: grilled veggies, tofu, fruit
Snack: smoothie, pretzel bites, popcorn

Happy to be back. Hope everyone is well!

[automatedeating]

Hi Linda!
I love that list you made for yourself. What I see from that list is that - a) you want to practice more self-compassion and take care of your body for your own self, not for others; and b) you want to take the things about fasting that have worked for you and find a way to take a break from it when you need one.
Experimenting and "failing" are so critical to learning what really works for us! Probably you have heard this quote before, but it resonated with me - "Learn to fail, or fail to learn". It's OK for us to try things and have them not work out. Taking risks is really living.
Sorry to hear about Doc's blood work. That must be stressful for the family, too - I can see how that might have ended in a fight.
I hope you have a great week, and it made my morning to see that you had posted.

[Kathleen]

Hi Linda,
Glad to see you back. I have found it helpful to go back and read what I have written in the past, just as you have. Hugs... this is really hard.
Kathleen

[lpearlmom]

Auto: That’s a great quote. I guess it’s okay that I messed up. My biggest fear was gaining all the weight back and running into ppl but it really hasn't been a big deal.

Kathleen: Thanks! It is hard! :/

It kind of sucks that i have to start all over but sometimes you just have to pick yourself up and give it another go, right? At least I've still kept off the original 30 lbs. All my efforts weren’t wasted at least. I think i really let ppl get under my skin & i was convinced getting super skinny would protect me somehow.

I don’t know if i can lose the weight again and if I do I don’t know if I can not feel compelled to push myself too hard. Im the only one I need to please when it comes to my weight. I really need to hang on to that. I do know that Im ready to try again. Or at least that’s how I’m currently feeling.

Today went pretty well. My friend’s daughter got a new apartment so we helped her unpack and decorate everything. We had a really nice time although it was interesting to me that i still don’t feel 100% relaxed around them. Ive known them for about 2 yrs but It really takes me a long time to feel completely comfortable around ppl.

I really wanted a chai this morning so decided to do an earlier window but i shut my window by 4pm and it was fine. I cannot believe how high my weight is but still thing ive got a few pounds of water retention from hormones. Ive been feeling like im pregnant or something for the last few weeks eventhough im most definitely not. It’s strange to me how nobody really wants to talk about menopause. There just seems to be a lack of info out there but Im sure there’s some books I can read.

16/7.5
179.1 lbs
Break (830): chai with oatmilk
Lunch: veggie burger, zucchini fries w/ ranch
Snack: perfect protein bar, chai (way too much caffeine today!)

Exercise: walked dogs 25 mins

PS: sorry about my many typos in my posts. I do usually see them later but am usually too tired or lazy to fix them. I know all you teachers out there are shaking your heads (and red pens at me).

[automatedeating]

not shaking red pens or heads!!! I am amazed that you can type all that on your phone at all. When I only have my phone, I either don't check in at all or put very limited stuff.

[lpearlmom]

Oh I know you’re not really but always cringe when i re-read my posts so just wanted to put it out there!

Today was good. I fasted 23 hrs with relative ease so I must have fasting muscle memory of sorts. I have to say it felt really good and much easier with the clear boundary of clean fasting only. Just like with little bites here and there between meals can easily become a slippery slope when doing NoS, consuming anything other than water, plain tea or plain coffee can lead down a similar road. Plus it makes you hungry and fasting is that much harder.

Im re-brain washing myself by listening to all the fasting podcasts again and I also got rid of all my Body Positive podcasts. Im trying not to judge it too much and realize this is just the road I need to take right now.

I don’t think ive talked about the online counseling that Im doing. It’s going okay but Ive already fored two counselors and am on my 3rd. I also took the option of medication help and had a phone consultation with a psychiatrist today. He was actually great and coukd really relate to him. Im pretty sure he was Jewish so that helps. Anyway, he prescribed me wellbutrin so hoping that’ll help. Im actually feeling a lot better but i still think it’s a good idea just to keep a handle on things.

I still keep thinking i need to get a job or something but I cannot figure out what to do. My problem is that I have a lot of good ideas but little follow through. Oh well.

23/5
178.1 lbs

Break: skinny pop, watermelon, yogurt parfait, hummus , crackers.
Dinner: spaghetti squash casserole, sweet potato with black beans & guacamole
Dessert: small ramekin of kitty cat cookies and chocolate chips, coconut water

Wow, a lot of food

Exercise: 20 mins weights—upper body

[automatedeating]

You don't have TIME for any follow-through! Sheesh, all that driving around with the kiddos and basically holding down the fort because Doc is gone a lot.

Good for you for all these proactive steps - Wellbutrin, the psychiatrist, the online counselors (and good for firing the ones that aren't a good fit), changing up your podcasts, everything.

I have three (other) dear friends married to doctors and it's kind of like being a military wife in that everything has to come second to the "mission", ya know? And I don't mean that disparagingly about doctors; it's a tough field! But the result is that none of my friends have been able to commit to full-time work. It's just so hard for the family to find that balance. One friend in particular (also has her Master's in Physiology, like me) really really struggles with not using her training and her giftings (and her passions). There is no easy answer. I keep encouraging her to just do what she loves to do, but that is always easier said than done. My SIL found a job as a teacher's aide (even though she ALSO has a Master's degree - hers in social work with a teaching certificate) at her kids' school so her hours were perfect. So it does seem the wives have had to make a lot of sacrifices for the good of the family. That's not bad, right? But it is not surprising that you have this yawning yearning in you for something more.

I know I've said this before, but I could totally imagine you doing interior decorating consulting.

[lpearlmom]

Auto: that’s actually really helpful to hear that this is common among drs wives. It’s true that we end up taking on pretty much everything else because of how much they work. I almost think that nothing’s going to happen till both kids are at least fully mobile. But it doesn’t hurt to think about my next move at least. Doc got called into work at 2am last night and didn’t come home till 8:30 pm tonight. Many days it’s just not physically possible for him go help me on the household front and when he is home he kind of just needs to chill. Oh and love the interior decorating idea but not sure if i have any talent for it.

Yeah the online counseling isn’t bad & the wellbutrin has helped me in the past. Thank goodness it doesn’t cause weight gain because i do not need anything else making it hard for me to lose weight.

Fasting is going really well (knock on wood). Im annoyed that Gin was so right about the clean fasting but it really makes a difference. It’s also important to not overthink it all to much. Intuitive eating doesn’t work for me normally but I can kind of just eat intuitively in my window which is cool. And i admit it, Fasting does feel great. It’s a bit of a natural high i think.

I think the problem was i really let myself get derailed by my friends comment regarding my weight. I was feeling so good & it just really threw me off. I was looking at a picture of me from last year this time and I looked great too. But her comment really hurt me and I was determined to lose enough weight that nobody could ever possibly make a negative comment about my weight again. That’s the point when i started pushing myself really hard and it backfired on me. I started binging and fasting started to feel really impossible. Thats when i started dirty fasting in an attempt to make it more doable but that backfired too. Then despite how hard i was trying the weight starting coming back on & it all just got out of whack.

I think maybe the answer is realizing that my body is nobodies business but my own. If im not talking (irl) about my weight and/or eating plan then maybe they won’t feel so free to comment on those things. I need to send the message that those things are private & not up for discussion. I do have one irl friend that i feel comfortable talking to about this stuff but that’s really it. I guess I just need better boundaries.

19/4.5
177.8 lbs

Break (3pm): skinny pop, green smoothie, couple bites of this and that.
Dinner: low carb spinach & feta quiche, carrots with dip, glass wine
Dessert: small ramekin of dark chocolate and kitty cat cookies, glass of almond milk

Exercise: 20 mins weights, 25 min walk the dogs

Im really having fun with the low carb cooking. The recipes im finding online are so nice and simple that its making cooking dinner less stressful.

Happy Scale: anyone use this? I love it. It gives you your average overtime and even weight loss projections. As long as im losing an average of .5 lbs/wk, im not going to tweak anything. Its all very reassuring. Im at .92/week currently.

[Kathleen]

Hi Linda,

Yes, I am using Happy Scale. I do like it.

OMG I so relate to your story. I am married to a guy who spent more than a decade traveling as a consultant, and he got into mergers and acquisition work. He'd leave Monday or Tuesday morning and return Thursday night and sleep all weekend. He got off the road last year, but it took a toll on him.

The problem with that sort of career is the husband doesn't see what you do. Kids, being teenagers and young adults, don't necessarily appreciate what you do. There is public pressure for a Mom to do something other than just be a Mom.

PLEASE don't listen. I just listened to the ending of the ABC democratic debate when Joe Biden said FAMILY is most important. You are doing the most important job of all, taking care of the next generation. What my kids have learned is that my highest priority is FAMILY. Tom's is FAMILY as well, but we have split duties. He takes care of income. I take care of everything else.

We are now reaping what we have sown. All our kids are doing well and enjoy visiting with us and talking with us. No drugs. No pregnancies (although I might like to hear of a pregnancy from our married daughter!).

Chin up!

Kathleen

[lpearlmom]

Oh yup, I can see you definitely can relate Kathleen! There is a lot of pressure to do it all. I love being a sahm but I do worry what I will do if something happens to doc. I have irrational fears of living on the streets. I’ll figure it out, hopefully...

Today went well. Sweetpea was in a mood this morning & when I got home I just really needed a break so I gave myself the morning off. It was very nice and I actually had a lot more energy in the evening than I normally do so i think it was beneficial.


177.3
19/4

Break(3pm): chai , perfect protein bar
Snack: piece of lc quiche, couple bites of salad, grapes
Dinner: asian zoodles, cauliflower fried rice, 1/2 glass of wine
Dessert: yogurt, a couple gummy bears and kitty cat cookies

I can eat a lot in 4 hrs! Weirdly, Im just not that interested in alcohol lately. Not sure why but ill take it.

[alene1]

Hi Linda. I'm so pleased for where you are in your journey! Wonderful freedom with gentle structure. I'm loving reading your journal!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks Alene—it’s quite a rollercoaster ride!

Omg, fasting was tough today. I must be getting to the end of my glycogen stores—yay! My plan was to have a 3.5 hr window but after 3 hrs I felt done. Getting back in my fasting groove.

Our cruise is in 2 wks and i feel completely unprepared. I don’t know what to bring.

21/3
177.5 lbs

Break: (4pm) 1.5 kind bars
Dinner: veggie burrito on lc tortilla, 1/2 glass wine
Dessert: 1 cookie and a handful of chocolate covered gummy bears

Exercise: walked dogs 25 mins

[lpearlmom]

Today was interesting. I went to a campaign kick off and then Doc & I were supposed to go to a wine tasting afterwards but he couldn’t go at the last minute. I couldn’t find anyone to go with me and suddenly felt a little insecure about my social life. I guess i felt like i had more friends than i really do and i have no best friend right now which really bugs me. I’d always had a best friend till maybe 10 yrs ago.

Sigh... well the wine event ended up getting cancelled anyway and when i came home i was feeling a little wobbly. Just feeling like everyone was doing something more productive and/or more interesting than i was. My neighbor was at the political event and when i asked her to the wine tasting said she had to mow the lawn and clean the pool. Geesh, we hire ppl to do those things. I felt very lazy. Plus she’s a teacher and an artist and does a bunch of yoga. Also, shes always so kind and her hair always looks great.

I know i shouldn’t compare. It’s not like I actually would rather have her life or something. I think i just nedd a new hobby. I was so passionate about politics for awhile but thats kind of dwindled. I still do it because it’s important but its not quite so exciting to me anymore.

But funnily enough later I got a vm from mom telling me how proud she is of me and what a terrific mom I am. Really good timing on that because it definitely lifted my spirits. It’s all good. I think I’m just pmsing.

19/5
178.5

Break (2pm): large sf chai, several tastes of picadillo
Dinner: picadillo, ww tortilla, cauliflower rice, sautéed brussel sprouts
Dessert: large froyo, 1/2 cookie

Im really into the low carb, vegetarian cooking. It’s a fun challenge. Hopefully itll help with docs blood sugar. He’s doing a great job with his eating.

[automatedeating]

That's so cool that you are once again finding some really good fun in the cooking arena. Lucky Doc!

Re: your friend's vm about being a good mom.... yes! You are amazing and a role model to all of us on the forum. I bet you are going to be a rock-it grandma, too. Outta this world.

And sorry that I hate your friend with the great hair that never misses a chance to namaste you. JK!

[lpearlmom]

And sorry that I hate your friend with the great hair that never misses a chance to namaste you. JK!

Lol auto! I like her a lot but yeah she’s a little too perfect sometimes. Like I don’t think I’ve ever heard her cuss. I don’t know. I’ve spent a lot of time with her but have yet to really click with her and it’s a little frustrating. I need a bff!

Anyway, I decided if I was feeling like I was boring, I should do something to change that so I took the girls to see some modern art today. It was amazing and really made me happy. I even got some cool glass hoop earrings that I’m probably going to wear nonstop for awhile. Then I took them to their favorite vegan hot dog place. I also bought the whole family tickets to see Fiddler on the Roof—yay! I’m officially a little less boring.

Omg, my weight is just not budging but I have to remind myself I’ve only been consistently fasting for one week. Got to give it time. I just cannot believe I have to do this all over again. It’s like finally reaching your destination only to slide back down to the bottom of the mountain the moment you reach the top. Sigh it’s okay. I’m wiser this time around and I’ll handle it all better. Right?

19/4.5
177.7

Break(2pm): vegan Tokyo hot dog, couple fries
Dessert: couple pieces of chocolate, piece of quinoa chocolate fudge cake , couple lf small kitty cat cookies

I really wanted a boba for dessert but the girls wanted to go home so I ended up trying to appease my tastes but nothing tasted right. Should have got the boba. That’ll teach me.

[automatedeating]

What a lovely day with your daughters! I love it! An art museum, ahhhhh yes. Plus tickets to the musical? Hurrah!!! One of (everyone's) favorites, yes?!!!!

I was thinking I'd like to go to the ballet in Seattle.....

[lpearlmom]

Ooh love the ballet. I bet Seattle has a some great shows!

Oh dear, Rosebud really pissed me off on the drive home today and I snapped at her. I grounded her too which she deserved but i wish i hadn't lost my temper. I hate fighting with Rosebud. She’s very stubborn so it takes awhile to get to the makeup stage. I ended up stress cleaning for like 2 hrs which was good. Doc had little projects/messes all over the house and it was really stressing me out. Now it’s all clean and Rosebud and I did work it out!

I really wasn’t hungry but ate anyway because I didn’t want to be too hungry tomorrow. I think my wellbutrin is helping. It seems to kind of cut through my ADD and helps me able to feel less overwhelmed.

21/3.25
178.5 lbs Grrrrr....

Break (430): a few veggie chips w yogurt dip
Dinner: a cabbage roll & cauliflower mash
Dessert: couple pieces dark chocolate

Exercise: 25 min walk ; few laps in the pool

[alene1]

I'm loving reading your journal, Linda! We have a lot in common. I've experimented with IF a lot too. I'd love to talk about the body positivity community sometime with you. Finding the balance of wanting to be healthy but not letting your self esteem rest on your appearance. So much to discuss there! Hope you have a great day.

[lpearlmom]

Alene, glad you’re enjoying it. I feel like i must sound like a crazy person which might not be far off but it’s just all that internal stuff that goes on that nobody really sees. And yes I really struggle with dieting AND wanting to be body positive. Thin privilege is such a huge reality in our culture and it’s really hard to stop chasing the dream of the thin ideal. I honestly don't think i can stop wanting to be thinner so i might as well just go for it. That’s kind of where im at currently though. What are your thoughts?

Today went well. I noticed that my mood sets the tone for the rest of the house. If I’m positive and happy and patient everyone else kind of calms down. I was purposely just kind of over the top kind and positive with the girls today and it definitely rubbed off on them. They blew off stuffing that would normally get to them and they got along really well.

I went to my LD mtg and it was great to be with some friends. I gave my one friend a really cute present for her new grand baby and she was practically in tears. It made me feel really good. I finally got my period—kind of—which i think helped to lift my mood. I know how you all love when i talk about my cycle so ill be sure to keep updated on that.

The wellbutrin is definitely helping with my foggy thinking and I'm able to complete tasks so much easier. It is giving me a little anxiety but maybe that'll go away.

17/4
176.3

Break (130j: salad, veggie sushi, watermelon
Snack: large chai (plus some of the girls )

Walked dogs

[lpearlmom]

Uneventful day for once. The cooler weather has calmed everyone down and we’re all in better spirits.

23/4
174.9 lbs Finally some movement. Let’s see if things continue this way.

Break (4pm): popcorn, smoothie, olives, couple of veggie chips
Dinner: spaghetti squash w/ marinara sauce & “meatballs”, grilled salad
Dessert: chilly cow (plus some of sweetpea’s)

Exercise: walked

[alene1]

Linda, I can pretty much guarantee we all have that crazy stuff running around in our brains. It's so freeing and helpful for ourselves and others if we share it though. It really does make us realize that we're not alone in our internal struggles. I believe in body positivity, and think that women, and some men too, are very hard on themselves. So many of us have suffered through most of our lives chasing that ideal. It's just so sad to think of all the energy and life that was stolen from us in this pursuit and fixation. I feel determined not to chase it. But I still want to be thinner, and I believe I can get to a healthy weight over time. But I'm not willing to diet anymore to get there. I want to focus more on being happy and healthy, and creating habits that will allow my body to release this extra weight over time. I very much still want to be a smaller body size that is more agile and fit and that I enjoy being in and dressing. I guess truth be told I don't believe in the concept of health at every size. I don't think very overweight people are healthy in mind or body, at least for the long term. Usually health problems catch up with you over time. Living in a very large body is difficult in so many ways, and it's hard to thoroughly enjoy all that life offers if it's difficult to move. My opinion.

I'm glad the day was a good one for you! Yay on your weight moving down. How is the fasting going? How's the hunger level?

[lpearlmom]

Alene, I could talk about this stuff forever. I do support the ideas behind HAES but with the reality check that not everyone is going to be able to make peace with their larger bodies. I don’t know if you listen to Food Psych podcast at all but she talks a lot about weight stigma and how that is a large factor in making fat ppl unhealthy. The stress of weight stigma along with not getting good medical care contributes largely to health problems. Fat ppl are afraid to go to the doctor and when they do go, theyre often told to lose weight no matter the health issue instead if addressing the problem. I could go on, but it’s complicated and everyone’s got an agenda so we just have to figure out what’s best for each of us i guess.

Hectic day today. Just going non-stop and lots of little things went wrong all day—forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night, forgot to put the trash cans out this morning, sweetpea got paint on our new carpet etc. Nothing major though and the girls were being sweet. Ive just got so much to do this weekend. I really need to learn not to overbook us. It always stresses me out.


15/3.5
175.1

Break 12pm (lunch w friend): big salad, piece of bread
Snack: large sf chai ( ugh, time to say goodbye to this. Gave me horrible reflux).

[alene1]

Linda, I could discuss it forever too! I totally agree with all you said. I've listened to a lot of the Food Psych podcast, read the F*ck it Diet, and belong to some of the FB groups for intuitive eating and body positivity. I realized I came off as very judgemental in my last post. Didn't mean to! I just think it goes too far, and I don't agree with the eat anything you want free for all. So many people are gaining so much weight, and then it is so difficult mentally. I just know for me that that road isn't the one I want to be on. The whole issue is complicated and multi-faceted. I just know I want to feel my best and be happy and healthy.

Sorry about the paint on your rug! I hope today goes smoother.

[lpearlmom]

No not at all and sounds like we are in the exact same place. I have done all of the above too and reached the same conclusion basically! We are probably in some of the same fb groups!

[lpearlmom]

Oh dear, I’m so mad at myself! I had a huge chai on Thursday even though i could tell it wasn’t going to end well and now I’m having a horrible reflux episode. It’s terrible timing too because we are supposed to go to dinner with friends tomorrow night and then Sunday is our cookbook club. Not to mention next week we leave for our cruise.

I don’t know how Im going to be able to enjoy all the festivities and it really sucks. I decided i just need to stop kidding myself about caffeine. The only amount i can tolerate is zero. I just need to be a grown up about this because it’s just not worth it. I did however find a good caffeine-free drink i can have at coffeehouses—steamers. It’s just frothed milk with a flavored syrup. Today i had oat milk with hazelnut flavor and it was delicious. They’re quite small so doesnt add up to too much sugar really.

Too bad i didn't discover this earlier! I really hope I magically feel better tomorrow.

23/4
174.5 lbs

Break (3pm): steamer
Snack: grapes, handful nuts, 1/2 avocado
Dinner: nf plain yogurt w pb & honey

Walked dogs

[3squaremeals]

Sorry to hear about the reflux, hope you feel better before your dinner out and especially your cruise!

[Octavia]

A quick hi from me. Haven’t been posting for a little while - you know, unmotivated about No S-related stuff, stressed at work, got a cold, really enjoying breaking No S rules, blah blah! Anyway I’m relating to a lot of the things you’ve said recently Linda. Especially those feelings of insecurity when faced with a person who looks great while mowing her lawn and cleaning her pool and is too busy to go to a wine tasting with you. Ugh!

Interesting that your determination has returned, to try IF again with a fresh attitude. Perhaps it’s part of the natural rhythm of life, we need breaks to gather our strength. And try again. I think I’m being a bit like that right now. I suddenly felt under-nourished and tired of making a daily effort to eat less. I needed a break. And maybe to come up with a fresh plan. I read a bit of Kayla Cox’s book today, and one thing that stuck out was the fact that she realised she had to figure out her own plan. After all, that’s what all the diet gurus had done, whom she’d consulted over the years. Even Reinhardt invented his own plan! Maybe we should, too? Something that works with our own strengths and weaknesses, lifestyles, health troubles. I’m certainly thinking about this at the moment.

Hope you’re having a good weekend!

[automatedeating]

For what it's worth, Octavia and Linda - I think making our own plan is really what we all here are doing - it's just that we all haven't necessarily found the "magic" plan, so we use these threads as our tracking of various experiments until we find what works.

[lpearlmom]

So good to see you here Octavia! I agree about making one’s own plan. I guess thats what we’re all trying to do to some extent or another. I know it’s crazy that I'm doing IF again but i was gaining weight with no end in sight without it. Also, when i went back and read my thread, I realized how happy i was fasting till the very end. I was trying to lose weight too fast than was comfortable for my body and it rebelled. Im hoping i can take what i learned and do a better job this time. I think you were smart to take a little break. I wish i had taken a small break sooner instead of waiting till i felt completely burnt out and then quitting altogether. I also gained all the weight I’d lost on IF. If i had just taken a week or two off, id probably have only gained a few lbs. Lesson learned (hopefully).


Anyway, yesterday was interesting. My reflux is miraculously a lot better—yay! We went out with our friends and Im trying to pinpoint what bothers me so much about my one friend. On the one hand, shes a very kind person. She's so kind to my kids and when my mom was watching our house she had her over for dinner. On the other hand, I always feel bad about myself after Im with her and i don't really know why. For one thing she never compliments me even though Im always complimenting her on stuff. Shes the type that will say “you cut your hair” and leave it at that. Or like last night I was showing our friends my new purse and she said “I like yours” to our friend next to us. A little thing but she does that all the time. I also feel like she tries to act like she’s got this special relationship with our husbands. She used to work for mine and now works for our mutual friend’s husband. She’ll gleefully tell me how our friend is so jealous of her spending time with our friend’s husband, but i can tell she enjoys it. She’ll also go out to dinner with our mutual friend & husband without me and then post pics on fb.

It’s a lot of little stuff but just always leaves me feeling worse when I'm with her. On the other hand she can be very kind & thoughtful. I think i just won’t be the one to make the plans anymore. Usually she’ll text me “we should go out to dinner soon” and ill be the one to set everything up. If she wants to initiate & set up something, ill probably go and maybe just not sit next to her. I don't think i want to completely give up this friendship. I also adore her kids and our hubbys get along so that’s something to consider as well.

Anyway my weight was a new (current) low yesterday but not sure it’ll stick. I didn't eat much the day before because of my reflux. It’s on a general downward trend though so that’s good. Plus I have a plan for If/when it stalls. I have a list of small changes i can make every time my weight goes below 1/2 lb per week average loss.

Yesterday:

19/8
173.3 lbs

Snack (1pm): cup of oat milk, small bowl spaghetti squash
Dinner: grilled artichokes, grilled cauliflower, green salad ,and zucchini noodles w sauce and cheese, 2 glasses wine
Dessert: chocolate torta

Okay, off to get ready for our cookbook club!

[lpearlmom]

Went to our cookbook club Brunch and had fun but im officially burnt out on other ppl. Can’t i just hang out with my dogs? Other ppl take SO much work! It’ll be nice to go on the cruise and get away from everyone for awhile.

13/5.5
174.2+lbs

Break (11am): all kinds of southern brunch food—grits, cornmeal waffles, collards, sweet potato pie...

[lpearlmom]

Boy i sounded grumpy last night. I worked things out with my friend so i think we’re okay. I just overthink everything i guess.

Today was pretty good. Both my girls have been a bit emotional lately. Sweetpea is still having trouble at school and had a little breakdown last night. There’s a whole group of kids that just won’t even talk to her. She dreads going to school and im not sure what to do about it. It’s not like they’re out right bullying her but it’s more like a passive aggressive thing. I emailed the school and asked them to call me but not really sure what to say. I guess I’ll just ask if they have any ideas on how to make the situation better. *sigh*

And Rosebud told me she was just feeling sad for no apparent reason. Poor thing. I know how that is so I just gave her lots of cuddles. Hoping it’ll pass. As hard as it is seeing them sad, it’s so much easier to handle than when they’re angry. Maybe because women are taught they’re not supposed to get angry.

Anyway, lots to do this week before our cruise. Hopefully the government will still be intact when we return.

24/3
173.3

Break (430): yogurt parfait, handful nuts
Dinner: bowl of cauliflower soup, low carb quesadilla, watermelon
Dessert: a chilly cow

Walked dogs

[automatedeating]

You sound tired and needing some TLC yourself!! I think this cruise will be so great for you! Are the girls going too?
I think I asked once before about the dogs while you're gone.... you have a housesitter come stay normally, right?
Also, so nice to hear you got some relief from the reflux.

[lpearlmom]

Omg, that’s definitely the case. Im exhausted. Today was another emotional rollercoaster with the girls. I’m too tired to go into it but I think we’ve finally worked it all out for now. Thank goodness tomorrow is late start. We can all sleep in an extra hour. Then we judt have to get through Thursday and Fall break will begin!

Auto: yup, we are taking the girls and our moms. But we decided to splurge and get the girls their own room. That should make for some peace and quiet. Our neighbors daughter (she’s 25) watches our dogs and house for us. They love her and i trust her completely. It just means i have to make sure the guest areas are ready and the frig is clean etc.

I don't have the energy to go into everything that went on today but I’ve never been so happy to get into bed.

20/4
173.5 lbs

Break: (330) oat milk steamer, biscotti (so good)
Snack: cheese stick
Dinner: veggie burger w portobello bun, zucchini tots
Dessert: banana “ice cream”

Walked dogs

[automatedeating]

Oh, I so feel for you with the kids' emotional roller coaster. It takes such a toll on us as parents! I truly truly never understood - despite decades of hearing people joke about having teenagers.
I just never imagined that I would take all of it so personally and it would be the same kind of agony WE had in high school!!!!! (duh, right? but I didn't know...)

[lpearlmom]

Thank you auto! I know, it’s so hard. I was just so so grateful for a zero drama day! And i got pretty much everything done that was on my list. I did ALL the laundry, cleaned out the frig, dealt with some last minute cruise stuff and even made dinner and took Rosebud to her piano lessons.

Tomorrow is grooming day—wax, nails, hair and even the dogs are getting a bath.

Im really glad the first day on the cruise is an at the sea day. I just want to Chillax.

21/3
171.3 lbs (heading in the right direction)

Break (430): watermelon
Dinner: ‘beef” stroganoff over zucchini noodles
Dessert: 1 chilly cow

[alene1]

Linda, teenagers are hard! How old are your kids? I have to say I am very glad to be past that point and able to enjoy them again. It will all be worth it when they're grown and you can enjoy more of a friend to friend relationship with them. I'm glad yesterday went so well! Where are you cruising? That will be a wonderful break for you.

[lpearlmom]

They’re 14 & 16 so we are in the thick of it. Ive learned the less i say the better. When i do that they often come to their senses and apologize on their own. Im also having to learn to let go a bit. They really so not like to be coddled.

We’re going to cozumel & Yucatan. Im excited but getting ready is so much work! I hope it’s all worth it.

My reflux is back because the Starbucks lady accidentally gave me the wrong drink and it had coffee in it. 2 sips was all it took. Im so upset because i really do not want to go into this trip not feeling well. :/ im praying it’s better soon.

18/7
171.5

Break 1 pm: pumpkin spice steamer
Dinner: quesadilla

Wow I didn’t eat much today.

Walked dogs

[Octavia]

Hope the reflux settles soon, Linda.
Have a great weekend.
x

[lpearlmom]

Thanks Octavia! It took a few days but was fine during the trip.

We got back yesterday and wow, we had such a fun time! I was worried it wouldn’t be nice enough because I heard carnival isn’t exactly high class but we loved it. Doc and I got a suite and it was spacious and beautiful. We really loved having a balcony and it was a good place for the whole family to hang out. The girls had a small interior room but they were just happy to their own room. My mom & mil shared a room with an ocean view which was perfect because it had 2 wash rooms.

The food was delicious and we really looked forward to our nightly dinners. It was fun having the same table and waiters every night. They got to know what drinks we liked and made sure we had vegetarian food. Everyone talks about how much you eat on a cruise but I really didn’t find that to be true. We skipped breakfast every day and only had a light lunch. I did gain 3 lbs but I think that was mostly from all the fancy drinks as well as the nightly desserts.

We also got a lot of exercise by taking the stairs everywhere and both our excursions were very active. We did a lot of walking in Mayan ruins and some swimming through caves. It was so beautiful and my mom did great keeping up with us (she’s 80!). I’m super proud of how well o got along with my mil. Usually I let her get on my nerves and get all snappy with her but this time I just blew everything off. I just wanted her to have a good time and I think she did.

There was of course plenty of cheese factor but we just ignored that and enjoyed the nice parts. We loved to walk out on the deck at night and look at the stars and vast ocean. We also enjoyed having drinks in various spots (we got the drink package) and we also went to the spa a few times. I even got something like Botox. I never thought I do it but I decided to try it and omg what a difference it makes. I haven’t told anyone yet. They all think I just had a really good facial, lol.

Anyway, I’m so happy everything went so well and I’d love to go on another cruise at some point. Now it’s back to reality and I’m definitely doing a little comfort eating as I’m adjusting to the daily stresses of life. I did have a revelation of sorts as I realized how crazy it is that I spend my day’s trying to complete as many to do list tasks as possible. I decided I needed to add some things to that list that I can look forward to like spending time reading by the pool, watching a good movie or taking a bubble bath. I really need to make time for more pleasurable activities. What’s the point otherwise right? I’m trying to tell myself I’ll get to things when I get to them instead of stressing out over everything.

19/4.5
173.5

Break (3pm): bagel with cream cheese, yogurt, handful of cashews, grapes
Dinner: 1.5 veggie burgers on piece of sourdough, cheesey Brussel sprouts
Dessert: chilly cow, almond milk steamer

[automatedeating]

Bravo for an AWESOME trip! I couldn't be happy for your trip report! Everyone got along, your outings sound AMAZING (Mayan ruins are a dream trip for me), CAVE swimming (radical!!!)? Did you mom do the cave swimming too? I want to be that fit when I'm her age!!!!

And so glad the waiters were nice, the food service was excellent, you had a balcony, oh my gosh I want to give you a gladness hug.

Welcome back but I love your epiphany about having some self-care items on your daily list.

Smiles and hugs!

[lpearlmom]

Thanks so much auto!! Was exactly what i needed. Money well spent for sure.

Today went well. I took Rosebud to her volunteer work and instead of trying to use that time to run an errand, I hung out at the bookstore and drank tea while reading. Well, actually i researched skincare products. Not sure why im so obsessed lately but hey it was fun.

Then i came home and relaxed a bit with doc before going to the store. I made a big dinner for us. Sweetpea’s bf and bff were over too. Im really enjoying cooking in a simpler way which is they way i think home cooking should really be. If you look at books like the Joy of cooking, everything is quite simple with a few special occasion meals thrown in.

I had a really hard time fasting today but did make it to 19 hrs. I was so hungry that i feel like i overcompensated by eating too much. Hopefully ill get back in the swing of things soon.

19/5
172.3

Break (3pm): pumpkin spice steamer, biscotti
Snack: beyond burger patty, grapes
Dinner: grilled veggies with yogurt dip, fried cauliflower rice with kimchi
Dessert: couple squares of dark chocolate, skinny cow ice cream sandwich

Walked dogs

[lpearlmom]

Ugh, ate too much today. Oh well, i guess that’s what weekends are for. I had a nice day just doing a few things around the house. I also spent some time by the pool playing sudoku (my latest obsession). The weather is finally cooling down and was really a beautiful day.

Tomorrow Rosebud goes back to school so it’s back to driving all day! Oh well at least I dont have to deal with them fighting in the morning since the Sweetpea has another week off.

19/5.5
170.5 (yay!)

Break(2pm): grilled veggies, couple handfuls of trail mix, 2 pieces of low carb bread w cream cheese
Snack: 2 apples
Dinner: artichoke, baba ganoush , veggies
Dessert: 2 froyo bars

[lpearlmom]

Oh dear, today did not go well. I think there was a little wtf going on due to my frustration with my weight being up. I know Im being super impatient but ugh, ugh, ugh. It feels really unfair that this had to be so hard. I guess im feeling a little sorry for myself but back on the horse tomorrow.

Part of me wants to do something extreme to compensate for today’s indulgences, but I know that’s a recipe for disaster. IF worked for me before, i just have to stsy the course and be patient, right? Hopefully.

17/9.5
173.6

A lot of food.

Walked dogs

[automatedeating]

Hugs to you, Linda.

[alene1]

Missing you Linda. Hope all is well.

[cedar]

Miss you too Linda. X

[automatedeating]

Linda - thinking of you as our New Year approaches! 2020!!!

Hope things are going well; miss you and hope you have time to give us an update!

[lpearlmom]

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for checking on me. I have been peaking in now and then to see how everyone is doing but just needed a little break from posting.

Things are going really well for the most part. My weight kept creeping up and was up to a high of 180 but I got back into the fasting groove and am back down to 163.8 as of yesterday! Really feeling good about my eating but not obsessing about it all. I try to fast till about 5pm everyday but if I’ve got a social engagement I’ll eat earlier and it’s fine. I haven’t been exercising much but hopefully will get back to it once girls are back in school.

Also, we got sweetpea a car (Toyota corolla
2018) and she’s been doing great with it. So it looks like I will be driving a whole lot less which is exciting. She also did much better with her grades this quarter and is hopefully back on track with that. She still isn’t happy with the rule of no social stuff during the school week but seems to have come to terms with it.

Rosebud is doing good. Her gpa is a 4.67 (weighted) and seems really happy at her school.

We are actually in Flagstaff, Az right now about to go tour a college for sweetpea so I need to get ready but will post more later as well as catch up on everyone’s threads!

[alene1]

So nice to have you back, Linda! Sounds like all is going great!

[automatedeating]

Yay to see you Linda!

Toyota Corolla! Nice! I almost got that same car! We ended up with a Kia Forte, but I always have a soft spot in my heart for the Corollas. I traded in my 20 year old Corolla and it was a little emotional!

College visits - oh my. Speaking of kids growing up..... yesterday Challenger went to the movies with two girls from his class!!!!! Sexy picked him up afterwards and said the girls were pretty giggly about Challenger. Oh, boy here we go.

Anyway, I'm delighted to hear that so much is going well for you. Hugs to start the New Year!

[ladybird30]

Good to hear from you again Linda.

[iflytoohigh]

I've read through your threads in the past, so I'm happy to see you're still active. I also follow a fasting regimen, but not for weight loss (moreso inflammation management and benefits of autophagy). I've done a 19/5 or 18/6 (sometimes 20/4) regime for over a year and have been successful in not needing medication for my Crohn's Disease, although some days can still prove challenging for me, health-wise.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more about your 2020 journey! Good luck with the university tours.

[oolala53]

Had been a little worried, but I agree that less posting can be a very good thing. Hugs.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks you guys!

Ifly: that’s amazing! I’m really in a good routine with fasting right now and hoping I stay in this groove.

Lady: Good to be back!

Oolala: so sweet of you to be concerned. Xx

Alene: so good to see you still here!

Auto: We love Toyotas and the dealership loves us! Did I mention though that doc got a commuter car the same day? He got a cute little Mini Cooper that happened to be on the lot. He’s keeping his truck for camping and such. Maybe this is his midlife crisis car or something.Oh boy, re: challenger. Sounds like he’s going to be a little heartbreaker. Buckle up.

So now that sweetpea is driving her and rosebud to school, ive got a lot more time freed up and ive been going a little manic with cleaning and cooking snd researching my latest obsession which is Zero Waste. If you've never heard of it, google it. I find it fascinating. I think it’s empowering ppl who otherwise feel helpless to make changes with the current state of the world.

Anyway, Im fully embracing it and trying not to buy anything in packaging which is impossible but it’s good to have goals. In the process of all these I'm going through a major decluttering and pared down my wardrobe to 35 pieces of clothes. It’s the best thing ever!

Part of zero waste is bringing your own containers whenever you buy ANYTHING, whether it’s a cup of coffee or a pound of meat. So far ive gone to a bakery and asked them to put the bread straight on a little cloth bag as well as cookies in another. Tonight i got up the nerve to bring containers for take out and it went great! That was a great feeling!

Im also composting and cooking from scratch like crazy. Right now I'm making sun-dried tomatoes in my oven, applesauce in my instant pot and cucumbers pickling on my counter. Oh and i planted some basil and make tomato paste which was interesting!

Wow, no wonder im exhausted. Its a good kind of exhaustion though.

Weight: 163.5
Fat: 21.5 %

Snack (3pm): sf latte, apple, handful of nuts, piece of cheese (or two).
Dinner: falafel, lentil soup
Dessert: 1 cookie, pecan milk

Exercise: walked dogs

[Teammoney]

Hi Linda, your zero waste project is so inspiring! I am trying but it is really hard where we live and I find it really hard with two toddlers. It is one of my great failings that I just cannot get on with reusable nappies. Hopefully though in half a year they will be out of them during the day at least. Wipes that are kind on the planet are much easier to get here.
My cousin got me into project 333 but I actually currently own only 25 items so will add a bit after a major declutter of some pregnancy clothes (that still fit but started to be tatty after a few years wear) and we are currently playing the minimalist’s 30 day game (over the course of the month that would add up to 496 items decluttered if we manage to do it).
Sorry for the long message on your thread! Just felt very inspired.

[automatedeating]

Linda - I love the paring down the wardrobe thing! I'm inspired!

[lpearlmom]

Hi money, I love a long post so no need to apologize plus i could talk about this Zero waste stuff all day. Don’t feel badly about the diapers. You are in survival mode and not a great time to be making a lot of changes. Just do what you can and you can add to it as things start to calm down for you. I realize it’s really hard to be completely zero waste especially when your family isnt 100% on board so Im just doing the best i can within my limitations.

Auto: the wardrobe thing is the best. Everything in my closet is something i love & feel good in. Plus i realized I really have 3 main colors i like to wear-black, grey & red.

Ive been trying to make a lot of new things and am having a mix of failures and successes. Fails: pickles, sundried tomatoes, pantry soup. Successes: applesauce cake, rice pudding (with leftover rice) , creme fraiche, and tonight i made corn tortillas for the very first time. Now what to do with 15 lbs of not so great pickles?

Ive been sick the last few days. Doc almost took me to the ER on sunday night things got so bad. Feeling a bit better now but really got in over my head with cooking tonight. I made too many things and now the kitchen is a wreck. I do not feel like cleaning it but i will.

Friday we go to vegas to see friends we haven’t seen in forever. Im nervous because ive gained weight since then but at least im not 210 lbs anymore. Id be panicking right now.
Im sure we’ll have fun.

163.7
22%

Dinner: 3 fish tacos
Dessert: small bowl of rice pudding, small bowl of chocolate (a lot of sugar!)

[Teammoney]

I could talk about it all day too, as there is so much more I want to know about it
I hope you feel better today and it is nothing serious!

I don’t think I ever really thought about whether my friends have gained weight or not unless they generally looked unhappy. I mainly notice that actually, whether someone looks happy.

[lpearlmom]

It’s fascinating isn’t it money? I started a Zero Waste fb group and it has a lot of interest so far. I think that it helps ppl to feel empowered in the face of this frightening climate crisis.

Anyway, it was hard to be Zero Waste in Vegas but I did the little I could. I brought my own coffee cup, straws & shopping bags. I tried to limit my shopping to a couple of gifts for ppl at home but I definitely created way more waste than I would have liked. Next time I’ll be more prepared.

We had a great time but now that I’m home I’m having a bit of a letdown feeling and feeling critical of myself wondering if I spent enough time talking to everyone and so forth. This is my MO though. I did feel pretty good while I was there. Nobody was super skinny and I was definitely the most stylish (imo) so I felt pretty good about my physical appearance at least. We had a group of 15-18 ppl so to be fair, it was hard to talk to everyone one on one. I even liked most of the photos except one with N unflattering angle. This is progress!

We had fun eating, drinking, walking around, eating, rollercoaster, cirque du soleil and well more eating. So yeah my weight is up 3.3 lbs but hopefully will go back down by the end of the week.

165.4 lbs
21. % fat

Break: oat milk steamer
Lunch: 2 1/2 pieces pizza
Dinner: bits of this and that.

[automatedeating]

Your trip sounds so fun! I'm glad you really enjoyed yourself with your friends. I hope your mind settles about the post-event social anxiety.

And thanks very much for the encouraging words and article link on my thread. It meant a lot.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks auto! Boy do i sound superficial in my last post but photos have just always been a huge trigger for me. I think i just feel a lot prettier than I think i look so it always throws me off. Maybe feeling pretty is not such a bad thing though.

Anyway , this week was good but I kind of purposely went a little crazy tonight. Its fine though. Today was a little rough or at least it started out that way. Doc and rosebud got into this morning and all hell broke loose. He overreacted and grounded her and she was v upset. I as so proud of him though because when he came home he apologized to her and ungrounded her. First time for everything. Poor sweetpea is feeling nauseous because of meds she started for her anxiety. I cant help but feel partially responsible for her anxiety but story for another tine. So tired.

161.4
21.5 %

Snack: fruit, nut , olives
Dinner: shrimp tacos , rice, beans, guacamole, chips, margaritas
Dessert: gelato, chocolate

[automatedeating]

Yay for Doc and Rosebud!

And oh my about the Sweetpea anxiety. You know, so much of that is just hard-wired into people's inborn temperaments, plus the time we live in. Expecting us to bring up our kids without their having to struggle with anxiety is almost like asking if we could just have them grow up 100 years ago. And who knows what anxieties people had then that were simply not expressed. Certainly life wasn't easier. Just different kinds of "hard". In a way, this gives Sweetpea a headstart on learning lots of coping skills working with her emotions and anxieties. At least, that's kind of what we need to hope, right? Please don't feel responsible for her anxiety. You have done everything you possibly can (and then more, much more) to be the best mother to those girls. You literally couldn't have given them more of yourself. And we are all just imperfect people doing the best we can.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks auto and it’s true she’s always being anxious and intense. I just think my emotional issues didn’t help any but what’s done is done. It did make me feel good when she told the doctor what helps her most is talking to me about things and that she feels most calm when she’s home with her family.

Today was fun. I took Rosebud & her friend to the farmer’s market and we went on a little buying spree. Its a zero waste goldmine. Then doc & I went to a wine festival with some friends. So much fun. The only time im not worrying is when im out and about. Maybe i should be out and about more.

Boy do i eat a lot more on the weekends. I guess I never got out of the nos pattern but my weight is still going slowly down so yay!

Snack (2pm): berries, grapes
Dinner: veg burger, wine
Snack/dessert: chips galore & salsa, cookie & milk

[automatedeating]

she told the doctor what helps her most is talking to me about things and that she feels most calm when she’s home with her family

So beautiful! You are her safe place.

The only time im not worrying is when im out and about. Maybe i should be out and about more.

Sounds good to me. People enjoy you, too, so you really are doing people favors in their own emotional lives when you spend time with them! Win-win!

Zero waste goldmine at the Farmer's Market!!! Yes! I love supporting the local small businesses and seeing the unique products they create. When I go to Farmer's Markets I feel so much more in touch with my community: the people and the land.

[worth it]

Hi Linda,

It sounds like you are in a good place! I second the fact that you should be out and about more! I think seeking any opportunity to have fun in our lives is awesome... it’s a good reminder for me too. I feel like getting happy and balanced within oneself helps us to be there for our kids and our husbands/families, friends, etc. (Wait, am I writing something I should be telling myself? Lol! ).

Anyway, it’s great to hear that you keep on plugging away towards self care!

[oolala53]

Lots of good news. I keep seeing that 22% fat and feel a little green with envy. And keep feeling pretty! I would take not being as attractive as I think I am over being pretty and not feeling it any day. If I may say, I like that you sound like you are enriching your life, which is going to remain such a great foundation for good eating habits. I lesson I keep needing to learn.

[lpearlmom]

Auto: omgoodness, sweetpea is like a different person. Poor thing i don’t think she’s ever had proper sleep in her whole 16 years of life. She’s been up early and ready for school on time, she’s been cheerful and actually cleaned her room without being asked. It’s really been great.

Worth: Great to hear from you!

Oolala: The fat % does help me keep things in perspective when I feel frustrated with my weight, but still.

Today was tough. I feel like democracy died today. Things are feeling rather hopeless and i fear were headed towards dictatorship. Sigh. I wish Canada would take me. Anyway...

161.9
21.7 %

Snack (5pm): couple handfuls of trail mix, melon, oui yogurt
Dinner: 2 vegan tacos, horchata
Dessert: 1 piece chocolate

Exercise: walked 5 miles

My weight keeps going down during the week then up on the weekends with not much downward progress. I need to calm down a bit on the weekends. Still only 9 lbs away from goal!

[RAWCOOKIE]

My weight tends to do that too - up on a Monday morning, and lowest on a Saturday morning!

In the UK I'm feeling the same about the political situation - we're in a very scary state aren't we?
hugs x

[lpearlmom]

Oh boy, i know crazy times. It really felt significant that Brexit happened the same time our Gop voted against having witnesses because why would you want witnesses in a trial, right? Anyway it is a scary time. The only ppl that think all is well are those brainwashed by FOX news. I was feeling very down and hopeless for a few days but now im like forget this we’re not going down without a fight and fight we will.

I ate and drank too much this weekend but back at it tomorrow!

[lpearlmom]

Omgosh, my weight has not budged in forever. Frustrating but I probably just need to mix things up. Maybe ill add exercise or throw in a longer fast or a couple low carb days. All is well. Both girls doing great all around. I was super snippy a couple days but suspect it was hormonal. Haven't had my period in 30 plus days. Maybe part of the weight stall too. yup need to exercise.

162
21.2%

Snack (3pm): sf ice blended, fruit
Dinner: 2 pieces frittata, 2 pieces bread, wine, wine, wine
Dessert; 2 pieces chocolate, bite of ice cream

[automatedeating]

This is where I send up the virtual hug and remind you how far you've come!! So much weight lost, so much more exercise, so much more peace inside of you.
You are beautiful, and healthy, and kind. Keep shining.

[oolala53]

I have been trying to be so careful about my news exposure, though I am addicted to my NYT app on my phone. (I usually scroll fast past many headlines.) That's how I found out about the Presidential Medal of Honor award. I was sick to my stomach for a lot of the day. Can this really all be true? For the first time since Nov. 2016, I posted something connected to 45 on Facebook. It pains me to think that the opposition felt as stung and heartbroken during previous administrations. (One of my ex-colleagues told me after the election that that was how he felt when Obama was elected. I would be afraid to ask him now, fearful that as so many, he would feel backed into a corner and could not admit the travesty. Who knew that I would ever think of Mitt Romney as a hero?)

Linda, I hope I don't trigger anything by saying that, though I know the IF people are so fond of wanting to ignore calories, for other reasons, I have been tracking this year. Because of certain limits I have been aiming at, and because I am committed to eating my kitchen stores of starch and protein before buying any more (thus limiting my food choices), my calorie intake is-lower than it had been for sure. I 'm not officially weighing, but I can tell I have lost some weight by the fit of pants. I think the intake amount is lower than some women of my height here would like to think it can be to lose. I feel for women shorter than I am! Of course, I don't have as much muscle as you do, even though I am taller, so you have more leeway. Though the body seems to tolerate fat loss a bit better from fasting, it still does resist with the means it can. It's not personal! There are so many factors involved. Some people's bodies will tolerate lower levels than others, as we see all the time. In our slim-focused culture, it's looked at as lucky, though for longevity's purpose, that may not be true. Bodies that can keep their fat even with lower intake do seem to have some advantage as years go by. Small comfort when the media (and many weight loss sites) parade the size 2-or smaller- bodies around. Oscars, I'm looking at you!

I don't know what you think about Scarlett Johansen's body. She seems not to be as waiflike as so many others. I'm sure she would have to be unreasonably commando to ever get like that. I haven't seen really pictures of you, but I get the sense you look like her.

[lpearlmom]

Thank you auto!

It’s such BS to say they felt the same way as we do now. Nope, even if you didn’t agree with Obama. He was decent, honest, well spoken & respectful so gimme a break. Okay i better not get started here.

Anyway, no I don’t think IFers discount calories completely but tend to think it’s not the only thing influencing weight. I’ve never lost weight counting calories at least not in any long lasting way. Both big chunks of my weight loss have happened with “lifestyle” changes. I dislike that term but you know what I mean. Patterns in timing and/or types of food work best for me. I just want to get to 153 lbs so not too far to go. Ill get there even if it takes longer than i like and yeah I’ll probably keep complaining the whole way there so feel free to ignore me.

I think scarlett johansan is gorgeous so ill take that as a compliment. we probably do have similar body types except shes like 40 lbs lighter than me. Ah well!

So much girl drama tonight! Ive got both girl’s in therapy now. The counselor said so many teens with anxiety disorder these days. Im sure their future looks very uncertain. Praying November turns things around for our nation. I will literally vote for any responsible adult at his point!

164
21. 2%

Snack (5pm): watermelon
Dinner: shrimp tostada
Dessert: oui yogurt

Walked dogs

[lpearlmom]

Yesterday’s:

159.3 lb
20/4

Snack: fruit salad
Dinner: bowl of curry with quinoa, side salad
Dessert: small bowl of yogurt with berries

Exercise: walked 5.3 miles

[automatedeating]

both girls in therapy now - I know it's a serious issue (goodness knows I know...!) but I did smile when I read that. I had this image of putting my kids and my dogs and my husband in therapy, and instead of going myself (like I usually do) just enjoying the peace and quiet in my house while they were all at their appointments.

[Kathleen]

Hi,

I returned to intermittent fasting and am still fiddling with what exactly I am doing but am down to 210. I caught up on your posts and want to float something to you. There may be a practical reason for the anxiety which is college costs. Our oldest is a genius and is academically driven. She got into Notre Dame. We went through filling out the FASFA and I literally laughed out loud when I saw how much the U S government calculated we could afford to spend to send her to college. She went to the local state college which was expensive enough and is now earning a PhD. She is doing spectacularly well in her program, having been paid in just the last six months to go to a week long class in Seattle and to give a presentation in Australia. Her husband managed to get through college with little debt and together they paid off his debt. When it came to wedding plans, she got a total of $22,000 ($12,000 from us). They spent $8,000 and had their reception at the top floor of a local restaurant. They needed that money for start up costs -- to buy a mattress, for example. She lived at home between college and grad school to earn enough money to mostly pay us back for a car. Just yesterday, she sent us a picture of the odometer at 100,000. She got a Honda so that car should be good through grad school.

The college admissions scandal should have burst the bubble of prestige for some of these high priced colleges. There is the myth that you need to gain admittance in order to do well in life. It's just not true. It is true that your life after college will be negatively impacted if month after month for years and years you have to make a payment that is a car payment or more.

As much as we would have loved for her to go to Notre Dame, it just was not in the cards for us financially. If you look realistically at your situation, is it really in the cards for your daughters to go to schools that cost $70,000 per year X 8 years? Do you want them delaying getting married or having children of their own because of college debt?

I hope I am not being too preachy here. At orientation at the local state university last summer, I got to chatting with a woman who said she and her husband make way more than the amount that would allow them to qualify for financial aid. Her daughter wants to go to Northwestern or some other private college but she also wants to go to med school. She told me they just aren't willing to do that. She is going to tell her daughter it is the state school plus med school OR a private college.

Another example is my own niece who got a business degree at a college that has almost no financial aid. My brother in law is a self made multi millionaire who could pay for that expensive degree. She now has decided she wants to go into physical therapy. He is not happy. She wants another $100,000. She is married and in her early 30s and wants another $100,000 for an advanced degree.

This is just my perspective. We may have been too frugal. We are now in our early 60s and my husband has never been overseas. We camped with our kids because we didn't think we could afford much else. Tom traveled almost every week for more than 15 years.

Ah well. Good luck with the girls, but maybe a discussion about college expenses could reveal that your daughters don't want to go down the path of what one 20 something girl told me: economic serfdom.

[lpearlmom]

Hi Kathleen!

Great stuff here! We are not planning on sending the girls to expensive schools. Well at least not sweetpea. She is mostly likely going to NAU which is incredibly affordable for in state students. We are looking at two out of state schools that are all in budget because I want to give her the opportunity to experience life outside of Arizona if that’s something she really wants. I wish we were more frugal and could afford more for them but yes I don’t want her to have to go into crazy debt. Doc is so lucky to have parents that could send him all the way from undergrad to med school without loans but that’s just not where we’re at right now.

We will see about rosebud. She’s our gifted kid and will probably get some scholarship opportunities, but yes still not planning on getting in over our heads. Also, my mil has some college $ saved but hasn’t said how much. I’m guessing $20-30k each? Not a ton but will help and yes we won’t qualify for any aid. :/

I do sometimes worry about needing a more prestigious school so all that info is very reassuring. Always feel free to chime in. I love hearing your experiences. I’ve learned a lot from all that you’ve gone through.

[Kathleen]

Hi Linda,
That is good to hear. We could afford a study abroad program for Katie because she is at the state university. About half the students at the program were from the state university and the other half were from a prestigious college. I looked up the cost for the students attending the prestigious college, and the cost was $20,000 more for that one semester! What exactly are these students getting except for the prestige? Anyway, someone from my oldest daughter's high school class told her that she shouldn't go to a college with a state name in it, and I actually told her I would be disappointed if she ended up there. It turned out to be a terrific decision because now both she and her husband are out of debt, saving for a new car, and even putting money away for retirement! Those college years are behind them. I'm hoping for a grandchild soon!
Kathleen

[lpearlmom]

Wow, thats crazy Kathleen! I think she will be fine and then if she wants to get her master's, it makes sense not to go into debt as an undergrad. College should be mote affordable bottom line but that’s a rant for another time.

Auto: i love your family therapy fantasy.

Yesterday went fine till we came home from happy hour. I was still hungry and a little tipsy & just went crazy eating sweets for some reason. Not weighing today. Tonight we’re goung to cirque du soleil and then to dinner so am going to try to keep it to one meal. Tomorrow we go to Atlanta so need to do laundry, pack and get the house ready for our house sitters. Yikes!

[oolala53]

Was it the Freakonomics guy who did a comparison about whether it was better to be a big fish in a less prestigious pond or a little fish in a hoity-toity one? I'm pretty sure it was shown that people who did WELL at smaller, humbler schools did just as well if not better later in life. Not to say that there probably aren't examples of its paying off to have connections from the Ivy Leagues, but there are so many other factors involved.

I am never surprised by going overboard on any food, no matter how long I've been at this or how easy it has seemed to be content with less recently. I am sometimes really annoyed that it seems to be a fact of life for me, but most of the research sure supports it. Are there examples of it being easy? Yes, but they don't disprove the general facts. Oh, to be an exception!

Actually we are both already exceptions.

[lpearlmom]

Actually we are both already exceptions.

That’s so true oolala!

Boy have I been eating a lot these last few days & weight is up—big surprise. The truth is, I’m just not super motivated to lose weight. Unless I see myself in an unflattering picture or something, it just doesn’t effect my life that much.

Maybe I need to focus on other goals like feeling healthier or having more sanity with food. I’m thinking maybe I need to have a more NoS type approach in my window instead of grazing through it. I also need to get back to exercising as I feel this helps regulate my appetite and improve well everything—mood, sleep, digestion, etc.

I was trying to do a 23/1 approach but it always backfires on me. A 19/5 window sounds easy enough but I find it tends to end up being more like 18/6. Maybe shoot for 21/3 with a small snack, dinner and dessert? I don’t know. I seem to change my mind daily but without some consistency, I don’t think I’m going to get any results. Maybe I need to list reasons I want to lose more weight:

1) to look better in pictures
2) to look better in my clothes
3) to gain acceptance and admiration from others.
4) so my husband will feel proud to be with me.
5) so my kids will be proud to be with me.
6) so I can feel proud of myself.
7) so I can bury those insecurities I’ve carried with me since a young girl related to being overweight.
so I can feel a sense of accomplishment.
9) to prove to myself I can commit to something.
10) to feel beautiful.

Those are pretty superficial reasons I know but trying to be honest. On the flip side there’s a lot of internal resistance because part of me feels like I shouldn’t have to conform to the ridiculous social norms that say thin=beautiful.Im also not sure how deserving I am of being thin as weird as that sounds. I think this is why there’s so much internal conflict and going back and forth which means never going forward. Sigh... I hate being so conflicted all the time.

[lpearlmom]

Today went okay. I decided to go back to using my scale that only shows the number of pounds gained or lost so i reset it today. Trying to get back on track but my window was longer than i hoped and i had way too many sweets. Oh well tomorrow ill do better.

20/5

Snack: 1/2 muffin, handful nuts, apple
Dinner: grilled fish & veggies, salad, piece of bread & glass of wine
Dessert: 2 lollipops, 1/2 chocolate bar, margarita

I need to go back to eating fruit for dessert and keeping sweets for the weekend.

Exercise:: walked dogs

[automatedeating]

Linda - I had a dream that we went to a dog rescue fair and came home with 3 more dogs, bringing our total to 5. I'd be doing a lot of dog-walking!

[lpearlmom]

Oh that’s funny auto! We almost got another dog yesterday but decided to wait.

Yesterday did not go well. Wish I could get into a good groove again. :/

[lpearlmom]

Just non stop eating for the last few days and i have no idea why. Im feeling fat for the first time in awhile partly because im not working out right now either. I feel,so lethargic and tired unmotivated when im overeating & under exercising. Hoping to get back in a good groove tomorrow.

I just dont feel like dealing with ppl right now. I’m also tired of always being the one to organize social gatherings. Ive got 4 different fb groups i started and often creating events for those. It’s frustrating when ppl flake out or you don't have enough ppl sign up. I think im going to step back a bit and let other ppl take over if possible.

Im mostly stressed about this fundraiser we’re supposed to have. I just don't know if we are going to have enough ppl show up to make it worthwhile. I so wish i never volunteered for this. I rather just donate money but the candidate lives 2 houses down from me so i cant really get out of this one.

[automatedeating]

You are amazing in all the social acitivities you do, the volunteering, the helping out ..... you probably really need a break from it all (but then do you notice after a refresh period you come right back to it!). I bet the mental/emotional fatigue is a big contributor to the eating and the exercise lethargy. Maybe a few days to yourself. When is this next fundraiser over? Then you can look forward to stepping back from social stuff for a while to rejuvenate.

[lpearlmom]

Im sure that was a lot of it Auto. I ended up canceling one minor event. The big bbq is 4/11 and i just had a couple of ppl offer to co-host so that makes me feel a little less stressed.

We aare In Sedona at a beautiful rental and everyone is getting along. Yay. I ate a ton today though. Yesterday we went out with our neighbors and i think i had too much to drink. I hope i wasnt too obnoxious.

Sweetpea and her bf broke up. So sad.

Im seriously considering trying ADF. We shall see.

[Sammybunny711]

Too much social engagement can be exhausting. I have been on a quest lately to simplify my commitments and my life and No S is definitely helping with that, as I was doing WW (unsuccessfully) for months with no weight loss and all the social pressures. I applaud you and your volunteering efforts, but will cheer you on if you take a step back a bit for self care purposes.

[lpearlmom]

Thanks bunny. Well with the Coronavirus scare, we’ve had to cancel all events till further notice so i guess ill be taking a step back either way. Things are getting real and i think i better go stock up on food tomorrow. Ive got plenty of tp and made my own hand sanitizer,so should be good on that front. Worried about doc since he could be exposed to it at the hospital. Ugh, hope we get through this okay.

Tomorrow im starting ADF and kind of looking forward to it. Did the mistake of going in the adf fb group and saw a bunch of posts about ppl not losing so feeling a little worried taht ill be one of them but only one way to find out. My weight is way up and I'm just feeling lethargic and ick so i have to try something. We shall see!

[lpearlmom]

Okay that was a dumb idea. I really like being able to eat everyday so just think I will fast as long as i can each day & keep my window as short as possible but ill do at least a 16/8. I guess a set plan just does not work well for me.

I am trying to cut back on sugar and booze as well as increase my exercise (although none today) so thinking that’ll help too. Just would love to get back to 153 lbs. That’s not unreasonable, right?

167.7 lbs
22/2

Break (530): fruit, handful nuts, 4 quinoa chips
Dinner: salmon fillet, potatoes, asparagus
Dessert: 1 square of dark chocolate, a oui yogurt

[lpearlmom]

Doing better and just committing to a 16/8 or more. Feeling much more relaxed about my eating and subsequently my weight is going down a bit.

This current crisis is all so surreal. Trying to take news breaks but hard not getting sucked into it all. Hard not to worry. Doc is going to be at high risk of getting the virus of course and his underlying health conditions make me extra nervous. Im worried about my mom whose 80 and lives alone but we talk everyday and her bf lives close by.

It’s also hard to keep my girls from their friends. Ive been letting sweetpea see her bf with the understanding that they just stay home but his mom is still going to work still so theres that exposure. Just not sure how to handle this. Im hoping AZ just shuts everything down soon.

Been cutting back on alcohol & sweets and it feels really good.

18/5

Lunch: pesto pasta, yogurt w/ granola & fruit
Dinner: shrimp stirfry , 3 squares of dark chocolate , coconut water

Walked

[Sammybunny711]

Yeah, all of this really feels unreal. I hope your worry decreases as the week goes by and that you can feel more at ease.