GettnBusy's Daily Check-In

[British Chap]

Death to funnel cake! You rock!

Great to read about these changes - keep going, we're all cheering for you.

G

[gettnbusy]

YAY! Thanks Gareth! So sweet to hear that! I could use a cheering section each time I walk by the fudge! Ultimate December weakness let me tell you...and add some walnuts and it's all over! Lord, help me! Reinhard, help me! Oprah Winfrey, help me! LOL

So this week pretty good. I'm not eaitng bad, but I am eating more "rich" foods like eggplant parmesan tonite. I know I know. It was only 370 calories though - but I know all that cheese is NOT GOOD. YUM though! and I had a piece of wheat bread toasted with some butter and garlic salt. Double yum!

Yesterday I ate pretty darn good. But I had a piece (or 2) of fudge and 1 piece of English Toffee sent by a vendor..... OMG... they have to get this stuff out of the office... They all know I can't have it. They know my no snacking rule. It's my fault, not theirs. And yes, I had a piece of toffee today too as well. ARGH!

No excercise today..yesterday did a few situps and stretching in the morning before work, maybe 10 minutes worth of stuff. I will try to do that again in the morning. It fits in well if I can wake up early enough. I have dishes to do and toys to clean up now so I'm not sure if I'll get to be in a hurry or not. We'll see.

Man, what is the deal with fudge?

[pangelsue]

Hi there, girl. Sounds like you are still doing good. Except for the occasional fudging on sugar. (excuse the pun). I'm back after a vacation from thinking about food and overthinking almost everything. Mood is better and I hope to stick to my resolve this time and do a bit better. Also hope to be more accepting of failures. That is my downfall. That darn perfectionism. I overract and give up. That just compounds the failure. I need to lighten up. I can learn that from you and several others here who have learned to roll with the punches. Good to be back and good to hear you are well.

[gettnbusy]

Ohhh Sue... I missed you

Today was good except I had carne asada tacos at lunh instead of chicken that I usually have. Been fighting snacks all night long. I';m just trying to stay busy so I dont go to the kitchen. Snacking has become a problem lately. Well, the URGE to snack has reared its head again. Fighting it with all I can but giving into it (I have a few times this week) is hurting me more in my habit mode than anything else. My weight has also stalled so I know I've got to do what Sue said on WANT2BE's log and BE STRICT.

Don't eat anything at work except lunch. NO SNACKS.
Don't eat anything after dinner; not even 2 almonds.

I definitely need to excercise more. Its been so cold at night so walking has been a real chore so I don't do it. Mostly a chore because I had a chest cold and still had lung issues so every time I went out in the cold wet air and came home I would cough for 2 hours. My lungs are nearly clear now so probably in a couple more days . I found this stuff called Mucinex at Costco and it works GREAT for clearing that stuff up. I had lung crap for 3 weeks. I started taking this stuff and in 3 days most of it was gone. YAY!

Last night the boys had their very first Christmas pageant and my oldest also graduated to the next belt up in karate (10 lessons) and they put on a little karate show too. It was the cutest thing I've ever witnessed with all the little girls introducin the songs and they all danced together and sang, even the little ones sang jingle bells with little bells on their wrists and danced with each other. It was sooooo great. I ddnt realize how talls my kids actually were until they stood up with their peers. OK, well there is no doubting they are MY kids, that is for sure! When I was taking pictures I got down on my knees and I was still blocking the parents in the pews behind me.

That is it. OK - Off to lose 2 more pounds before the end of this month... Here I go!! I wanted to make my goal of 255 by Christmas but it will probably be the week after that (New Years). I am currently at 257-258 (the scale keeps going up & down every day?!?!) So that is 2-3 pounds in like 2.2 weeks. That should be easy if I lay off the snacking and no more sweets (until Christmas! Then its FUDGE and brownies and cookies and more FUDGE and HAM!) YUM... Only 2 days a year reserved for food..Thanksgiving & Christmas and I really don't care if I gain 2 pounds it is so good. And thanks to Reinhard's plan and website the rest of the year I am no longer a glutton.

Thanks be to God & Reinhard!!

[gettnbusy]

I DID IT!! I REACHED MY GOAL FOR CHRISTMAS EXACTLY ONE WEEK EARLY!

I weighed in at 255 pounds this morning. YAY! On August 14th that was my goal, to weigh 255 pounds by Christmas. I can't believe I DID IT! SO WONDERFUL, SO PROUD!

Now, if I can just keep my hands off the fudge this/next week I'll be fine!

[david]

Congrats, Christi!

That is really awesome--here's your virtual pat on the back!

{PAT PAT PAT}

Keep your system going!

--david

[hexagon]

Go you!

[gettnbusy]

Yesterday I actually forgot to eat at every meal and ended up eating really late for each meal time and much lower portions. I felt really good but I know that if I starve myself like that it will mess my whole body up & send it into ketosis and I don't wanna do that. But it was good to eat light one day. I wonder how many days of eating too little that your body goes into ketosis. If anyone knows, please chime in!

Last night I bought 2 portabello mushrooms at Trader Joes. I sauteed them in olive oil, a pat of butter, basil, chopped garlic, yellow onions and a pinch of sugar. That is what we had for dinner last night. No meat! Just the mushrooms. We all LOVED it. That is the first non-meat meal I've had that I can remember. Even my salads have chicken on them!! And for the record... YUMMMMMMMMY!!! I just love portabellos!

I maintain my program. It is wonderul. I really like the fact that I can just eat like a normal person again. I am not wolfing down everything in sight. My tastes have changed slightly (like I couldnt possibly stand to eat a french fry anymore due to the enormous vat of grease in them) and more importantly my HABITS are better. I am not perfect, but IT IS OK!!! I always had this all or nothing mentality and this program has changed that. I see the gray area! I see that if I want the piece of fudge, it is OK...just don't have 4 pieces every single day! I am learning how to eat all over again and I am doing pretty well!

But I'm still not perfect~

[Jammin' Jan]

But I'm still not perfect~

Neither you nor any of the rest of us will EVER be perfect. But it sure sounds like you're doing really well! Congratulations on reaching your Christmas goal!

[pangelsue]

I am soooo happy for you, Christi. You set your goal, you stayed focused and you made it. You must be floating on air and so proud of yourself. You are your own success story. You don't have to look to others for inspiration, you can just look in the mirror. You are now the inspiration for all of us. Amazing job, lady. Reward yourself with something wonderful like a massage or getting your hair done, a book you've really wanted, a new dress. a movie with the kids. Something that really celebrates the moment. I'm happy, happy, happy for you, girl. Dance around and smile out loud for days. You deserve it.

[gettnbusy]

I did celebrate. Spa pedicure & manicure and a great new layered look. My hair was so long it lacked any style...just really long. So I went & had it layered. Not used to most of my hair weight being gone yet. It will take getting used to...but it probably looks more stylish now. YAY.

[gettnbusy]

OK - Holidays and my wonderful vacation are over. OMG I was so bad. I gained so much weight. I am not sure if I'm entirely guilty or not. I thoroughly enjoyed myself eating the homemade guacamole with my sister, the fudge with my dad, the banana bread with my grandma, the cookies with my mom, all in large quantities. Every day of my vacation was an S day... a MAJOR S day. So, I have to reset my internal eating clock and get my stomach back down to the right sized meals again. NO problem. I didn't even see any of it as a failure. I knew it was temporary. I have really made progress. Maybe by next Christmas I will cut back a bit on my S days... we will see how it goes.

For now... I've had a really good day one - not one single snack, not even a soda. But as I found out on vacation, I don't really like Pepsi anymore. If you knew me better you'd know that waaaay back in August you would have to pry the Pepsi out of my cold dead hands... and I drank a case every 2-3 days or sooner on the weekend.

I am so proud of myself... you have no idea the differences in me and my choices. Yes, I messed up - but Its OK! And I KNOW its OK... I think Sue & Hex helped me the most with that realization. I actually don't feel guilty (Im pissed I gained weight, but I deserved it - I ate the stuff!)

I have set new inch and weight goals for Valentines Day, Memorial Day & July 4th and I will get there with my boys help and YOUR help! THANKS!

I'm so happy right now. I can't even explain my elation. THIS is my epiphany, not the weight loss. The actual getting back up on the horse thing is easy for me today. Man, I never thought I'd get here and I did. This means more to me than anything. THIS is what I needed to get to in order to do this the rest of my life. Man... I did this...and I can do this forever.

PS: I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT EVERY SINGLE WORD FROM ALL OF YOU WHO PARTICIPATE HERE ON THE BOARD... IN DAILIES OR ON THE MAIN BOARD. YOU ARE MY PARTNERS. THANK YOU AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

[gettnbusy]

PPS: I hate walking in the dark with my kids. This time of year it is very hard to get outside... Any suggestions for night time excercise with the boys?

[gettnbusy]

Weighed in this morning just to check it out. I actually ended up losing 4 pounds this week since I got back onto my NoS regimen. YAY. So I am almost back down to where I fell off the end of the proverbial cliff during Chrismas break My goal is to lose another 10 pounds by Valentines day - that will be about 2 pounds per week. A big goal, but attainable if I don't break down & go to taco bell for some nachos (not likely) and if I can do purposeful excercise every day. Putting this goal down in writing here helps me to hold myself accountable. Keeping it secret is a way I use to say I did great even though I didnt reach my goal. That is good & bad. I think I need to be honest with myself about this whole thing. I should be able to lose 1-2 pounds per week if I am doing this properly. Bottom line. I am still very overweight so my body burns alot more weight than if I was close to my ultimate goal. 1-2 pounds each week is really nothing for me. The problem is that I have been so easy on myself and allowed many foods I shouldnt be eating and I have allowed myself to not excercise for a myriad of reasons. Personal responsibility in this area is sorely lacking and I really do want to make it a priority. The great news is my cholesterol levels went down so many points that my Dr says she has never seen such a drastic drop without the help of drugs. I went from a 308 down to a 226 in less than 4 months so I know I'm doing better...Im just not doing my best...and I DESERVE MY BEST, not just good enough which has been what I've been doing.

[gettnbusy]

I'm so glad y'all are here for me (and for YOU!)

and as Eric Clapton says.... You look wonderful tonight...

[JustAnnie]

Sounds like you're back on track for 2007. Congrats.

As far as getting exercise when the weather is bad, or dark, I would reccomend Leslie Sansone's 3 "Walk Away The Pounds" tapes or DVDs. The one mile "walk" is done in a small area in front of your tv and takes about 18 minutes. There is also a 2 mile (30 minutes) and 3 mile (45) minutes. Kids seem to like to do them too and you don't have to roll all over the ground to do them. They are done on your feet and you march in place, side step, etc. to music. You also get to move your arms with light weights or no weights, your choice. Easy but effective for us larger ladies with a lot to lose.

[gettnbusy]

Great idea Annie!

[gettnbusy]

Great idea Annie! Thanks so much! I actually went out & bought 2 new pilates & yoga DVD's in the meantime...oh well!! I also bought a belly Dancing video from Carmen Electra - Woo Hoo! Now I just need a boyfriend!

Going great so far - still on track. Nothing but weight loss to report. I am only 8 pounds away from my 2nd goal which is 250 pounds - due on February 14th...That is right, less than 5 weeks to lose 8 pounds - but I am gettn there every single day!!

I haven't walked this week yet but I did do a bunch of marathon shopping at Costco & Target last night which meant I was walking for 2 hours around the stores so I am counting that Tonite I will walk with the boys since it is not so cold & I bought them warmer jackets last night. If we have enough time I will have RJ do pilates with me...he just loves it and Justin loves my free weights! LOL

Here we go again...and I am loving it!!


Addendum:
OOPS!! I had 2 Lindt dark chocolate truffles from a vendor after lunch.

<SMACK> Bad Christi!

OK OK... No more snacks today!!

[hexagon]

Hey Christi,

It sounds like you're doing really well. Good job!

As far as activities to do with your boys that are indoors, how about swimming at the community pool? It's fun, good exercise, and easy on the joints.

I'm not sure of your fitness level, but two others that are fun are ice-skating at a rink (I did that over the holidays with my nieces and nephews and it wasn't so bad...I've generally been a very sucky skater but I did ok) and indoor climbing walls (some community health centers have these--there's also climbing gyms). There's beginner-level climbs.

Best,

H

[gettnbusy]

Wednesady bad day. Man trouble. I always eat when I'm upset over guys. I need to stop but I am constantly turning to food every 1/2 hour. I'm dying here. Men always do this to me. I finally have an appointment to see a shrink next Wed. Hopefully she can help me to identify some of these issues that keep repeating themselves & give me better tools than I have to work on them. UGH.

[gettnbusy]

As it turns out, I suffer from low self esteem. Imagine that. Anyway...today was better with the food although I did snack at the office twice with a mini candy bar and a bag of Sun Chips. UGH.

Excercise today was just dragging 6 loads of laundry in & out of machines then up 2 flights of stairs to my 3rd floor apartment. That was good enough for me.

Bought my sons his own set of 2# free weights yesterday at Target. He is very excited to do it with me tomorrow night Too cute!

My weight remains down so my activity levels must be counter acting the little snacks I've sneaked in this week. Still, the snacking needs to stop (#1 rule here, isn't it?) so that I don't start feeling cocky. I'll never lose weight that way and I don't want to fal off the proverbial wagon.

Onward & upward....as I teach my son to say: I can and I will!

There is no such thing as I can't!!

[pangelsue]

Hi babycakes!!
Long time no talk to. Sounds like you are doing just great as usual but it also sounds like that hasn't been an easy road lately either. Sorry to hear about the man troubles but getting some professional advise is certainly a step in the right direction. Doing something about a problem you perceive in your life makes you a winner and that means you are not happy with low self esteem (I think most overweight people have low self esteem) and will work on changing it. That can only contribute to your success with weight loss. Valentine's day looms with success written all over it. You are a delightful inspiration to us all.

[gettnbusy]

I do not feel like an inspiration to anyone. Seriously. If I am, it is a complete surprise to me, let me tell you.

The post that you put into that personal Mt Olympus thing really hit the nail on the head. I suffer from not giving myself enough kudos. My EVERYTHING is so much better than that 5 months ago when I found this lifestyle plan. The choices I make now ASTOUND me. French fries gross me out. Tonight I figure I'd have one of my (used to be) favorites from the frozen food isle since I didn't feel like cooking. Marie Calendars Meat Lasagne. EWWWW it was disgusting. The fake meat really got to me. How did I not notice all the chemicals & bad stuff before? Clueless. I pay so much attention now and I avoid things as often as possible. I still have my weaknesses... chocolate. But I can't even drink a cola nowadays...and forget about a Dr pepper (my previous favorite)...it is WAY too sweet and I see my body does't deal well with it. I also have a hard time not eating abundantly of the "good stuff". Things like fresh bread or a good tuna sandwich or a freshly cut pineapple (YUM YUM YUM) or Tropicana fresh squeezed OJ. Most of the time I curb myself...but there are days I just eat 2 tuna sandwiches for lunch or I will have a bag of chips. Chips are my second weakness. Cheetos have more chemicals than 3 Mile Island but I have not lost the taste for those puppies. I don't keep them in the house nor buy them fortunately. But once in a while there will be a snack size bag of the "baked" Cheetos in the lunch cupboard at work & I will eat them with my sandwich. YUM!

I digress... My point to myself is that this plan works so well for me and it is teaching me to be better every day. But I am also learning to realize that I am not perfect. My pastor actually talked about that today. He talked about the goody goodies who insist they are without sin. He said that no one is perfect and without sin. Breaking the law, even a speeding law, gossiping, lust for a neighbor, lying, cheating on your taxes, stealing time from your employer on the internet, judging people, and even eating that bag of chips with lunch every single day last week. It's all imperfection, even though it is little. AND IT IS OK BECAUSE I AM NOT PERFECT...... And I need to remember that more often. My struggle are miniscule compared to some. I still lose weight every month even though I screw it up a few times a week. My weight is so high that I think it's natural to lose more weight each week until your body adjusts back down close to its desired state. Then it will be much harder I am sure. That is probably another 1 1/2 - 2 years away for me since I have so much to lose...but I know I will get there. One single friggin day or moment at a time.... Step by step, inch by inch...LOL
And I really related to that story on your page that talked about the abused girl.... the same happened to me as a child and when I was skinny before I did the same thing. So I fear that myself....another reason for the shrink so I can work that stuff out on my way DOWN the scale.

Rambling is in my nature as I work things out in my own head. That is why I write here. It shows me my thought processes and where I've been & where I'm going. It also helps me keep track of myself and keep me in check. (this does not always help- for instance this weekend was a binger - not a total loss but I am sure there was no weight loss)

Here is to my Non S day tomorrow.... I like those better than dealing with S days

[pangelsue]

It sounds like you are in a tough spot right now and I wish I could make it better. I am not sure what the issues are with your love life because I couldn't quite understand what you wrote in my post. But... read back through your own journal. You have come so far. You will re-inspire yourself just as you have inspired me and so many others on this board with your positive energy.

When I used to see a psychologist years ago, I always told her I was afraid to be happy because I was scared something would happen to wreck it. She told me that if I truly believed that just when something good was going on in my life, something bad would happen, then I also had to see that just when something bad was happening in my life, something good would come along to change it. Please remember that and hang in there. Something good is on the way.

I think seeing someone to learn more about yourself is a good idea. I learned lots when I did. A woman that I work with got a divorce about a year or two ago. She has 3 kids and was in her late thirties at the time. She ran around for while and we were all worried about her and her kids because she seemed to be dating all the wrong guys. Then one day she told us she was done dating for a while. Her psychologist told her to find out who she really was first and what she wanted out of life. He told her she couldn't find the right man for her and her kids if she didn't know and like who she was or know what she wanted. She said he told her she also needed to figure out what was wrong with the first marriage to ensure she wouldn't make the same mistakes again. It worked for her. She said the first couple of months it was hard to be alone and not dating anyone. Then she started relaxing with the idea of being alone and started to really like herself. She just recently started dating someone again and she seems much happier with her choice.

You are a strong young woman and I know you can make it through anything life hands you because you have already done it many times before. Trust in yourself. Actually your post above already sounds like you are starting to turn things around.
Good night and God bless.

[gettnbusy]

OK - These are my numbers as logged into my online journal. I copied the numbers down here because today is my 5th month on the program. I wanted to show myself that I am making a difference and though at times the weight did not fluctuate or went up entirely I am STILL down 20 pounds from where I started and continually improving upon my diet & excercise routines (or lack thereof)...
Measurements updates to follow this week when I have a minute to do them.
So in plain black & white for everyone to see...
Most recent first (today)...
01/15/07 257
01/08/07 259
01/01/07 264
12/25/06 261
12/18/06 257
12/11/06 259
11/15/06 262
10/15/06 265
10/08/06 267
09/15/06 270
08/14/06 278
As you can see, from the week before Christmas (where I met my goal) until the week of New Years I gained nearly 8 pounds! ACK! Now I am back to the goal weight I acheived before Christmas and on track. I have 7 more pounds to go in the next 4 weeks until Valentines Day. Not sure how I'm going to pull that off but I'm trying.

[hexagon]

Hi Christi,

It sounds to me like you've really made big changes in your lifestyle and you should be proud of that, even if you've slipped a bit. It's pretty obvious to me that if you find the foods you loved before taste bad, you've changed yourself.

You didn't gain all of your weight back, either, so that's cool.

Sorry to hear that you've had man issues. I have no idea what they are but if you're like any of my other girlfriends with low self-esteem, when there is a problem with one you automatically say to yourself "what did I do wrong?" The thing is that it isn't always you. Remember that.

One reason to NOT overeat because of a man is that if you see him sometime later and you look really hot, it'll be a way of saying "in your face!" I recall once that I'd broken up with this super jerk, and months later went to a party looking really good, and he was there...It was good to see the look on his face. Denied! Yes, I know that makes me sound like a b****, but if you knew what he'd done to me, I think you'd agree that my attitude was justified.

Hang in there. You really are an inspiration to me.

Best,

H

[gettnbusy]

Tues: good, excercised too
Wed: eh - not so good - ate out at dinner Chicken marsala and bread and a meatball and a very small side of Spumoni. Brkfst/Lunch was good.
No excercise. Boys not here tonite. I was bored....naturally I eat. Saw shrink today for consultation. She is going to help me get past my childhood issues so I can make better choices, etc.
I want to get to the bottom of things and take a cognitive approach to my life instead of auto pilot. Its frustrating still going back to old habits. SOOOO back up that damned horse. here I go again!

[zoolina]

Hang in there, Christy.

Eating out of boredom/lonliness is one of my biggies, too. Let's make a pact: the next time either of us wants to nibble for one of those reasons, we don't. And the next day we check in with each other and luxuriate in our sucess?

Zoolina

[gettnbusy]

The rest of the week was fine.

Saturday was a pretty bad S day. UGH

I woke up & weighed myself Sunday. UGH. NO weight loss for the entire week. That sucked. And I exercised more than I have in months. I guess I was eating more than I realized. Well, no more butter on my toast in the morning - just jelly and a bowl of oatmeal. Only one glass of OJ per day. NO CUPCAKES! LOL - I had some at my sons birthday party *he will be 5 on Tuesday) Awwwww lil cutie pie. If anyone wants to see my adorable ones then send me an email & I'll send you myspace address or yahoo address for pics. They will melt your heart. And yes, I am a wee bit prejudiced, but they are still the cutest in Glendale, CA. So there!

Anyway - all things being equal I suppose I did ok combatting the food with exercise which has taught me that I will have an easier time than I think when I am thin once again (YAY! been waiting for that for 20 years).

I have learned that when I DO overdo it, which is going to happen on occaision...thebest way is not to beat myself up over it, but to go for a long damn walk in the wind like we did today. My poor boys.. one in the stroller I was pushing, but the older one was on his Razor scooter and he was so tired & dust kept blowing into his eyes it was soooo windy in So Cal today. Poor guy - we kept stoppig so he could rest. When I set out I didn't realize we had walked so far down the street...and coming home was at an incline so it was much harder. Nest time I will only take those longer walks when they are BOTH in the double stroller. But let me tell you - pushing both of them is quite a workout since they both weigh 40 each and then the stroller is huge. Its a good workout though but HARD. My older son wants to ride his new scooter all the time now so he can practice (he still cant balance himself on it but he tries really hard). So I rarely take the 2 seat stroller out anymore.

To sum up...good news, no weight gain. Not so good news, no weight loss. middle of the road news - I forgot to measure myself again for this month. Good lesson this week - exercise will help to balance out my life in all kinds of ways. Not just the weight, but the frame of mind, being outside in the sunshine, teaching my boys to be active, learning about our town as we pass by all the stores & car dealers & restauants and the people we pass along the way. I've also noticed that although my arse is inordinately large still = that my skirt that used to be tight, though not loose, is no longer tight. It is hard to gauge elastic you know. I look forward to the day when NONE of my clothes are elastic waistbanded. YAY!

Here we go again - round umpteenth... I am riding this horse til she's draggin herself across that line! Aint givin gup not me no way no how.

[pangelsue]

Love the horse across the finish line image. LOL. Sounds like you are back on track and that is great news. I have still to stick to the exercise for more than a day or two but it sure seems like it is helping everyone here who makes the commitment so stick with it. Glad to hear you are also commiting to the therapist. I think it should be required for just about everybody. It teaches skills for coping and teaches you a lot about yourself. It is a luxury but not if it helps.

[gettnbusy]

Today is an S day since it is my sons birthday. He wants to go to IHOP for dinner. I don't even know if they have salads there. But Im definitely having some banana bread we made for his special day and probably a medicore dinner. But that is what S days are for. And this is one of the 6 most special days of the year!

Other than that...I'm doing good. Tonite is also Pilates night. My stomach muscles are still aching from Sunday! EEK!

[gettnbusy]

Wednesday - had a snacking melt down.
Had gourmet popcorn, 2 slices of banana bread I made, 2 chocolate Andes mints, a small dish of Spumoni ice cream and 2 mini butterfingers.
I am not going to hell for this...but I am SURE it is gonna set me back a week.

::sigh::

I haven't lost sight of anything - I am just disappointed in my choices. Well, I was well aware of it while I was doing it but did it anyway - so my question is why did it not bother me. I mean, I WAS raised Catholic... LOL so where was the guilt? I don't even have any guilt now - probably because I know it was temporary and will not affect me in the long run. The problem is that this might not be a problem if I was at my body's normal weight already and I was just in maintain mode. However, I am supposed to be in loss mode and I don't want to get stuck in a rut. I am slightly afraid of that happening. Its so easy to do, you know.

Well, at least I did manage to get in a few flights up & down my stairs doing laundry tonight and did pilates for 20 minutes. I hope that counteracts some of my bad behavior today.

[gettnbusy]

VERY VERY bad week. I tried all week to combat the insatiable desire to eat. I tried talking about it in therapy, writing about things here, etc. It didn't help. i was completely out of control this weekend. The only good thing is that I have No S and I know that this is temporary and it doesn't mean I have to throw in the towel like I used to do when I failed. I just wish some of you were here at my house telling me to put the brownie mix down and throw it out instead of making it. The damn box sat there for 5 months staring at me, daring me to make it and I never did until this weekend. Along with banana bread and lots of cha chan mein noodles, mushroom chicken and BBQ pork from Happy Chinese restaurant (happily enough run not by Chinese, but by Taiwanese) LOL Not to mention the Chicken marsala from Scarantino's along with the homemade Spumoni in a quart to go - which Ive been nibbling on all week long.

Send help. That's how I feel. I know the right thing to do but I keep getting up & going to that kitchen and I feel powerless. I KNOW I have the power, but I keep giving in which I havent done on a consistent basis since Ive been here...maybe something about going into my 6th month..failure/success. I have serious issues with these. Also...all the new attention from males is nice but disturbing too. OK, well I am very confused and 2 pounds heavier this week. NOT GOOD. Needless to say I will not be able to reach my goal of 250 by Valentines day. Maybe I can get down to 255. I currently am at 258 (again!) since I gained this past week. I think maybe I set the bar too high and I am sabotaging myself as I tend to do when I see that "perfect" success is not possible. Still, since Dec 31st I am DOWN STILL so that is an achievement and I should focus on THAT.

OK, I think Ive talked my self down from the ledge - or at least from the midnight pie run to Marie Calendars I was considering.

[zoolina]

Christi,

Don't give up hope! I've been battling the same deamons for the past week too. Sometimes I win the fight, sometimes I don't, and sometimes I have a sweetened yogurt drink between meals and don't know if I'm winning or not.

But I think you have the right attitude, and that you WILL get back on track. Those two pounds will be lost again and you will feel proud and on top of it again. Stick with it.

Zoo.

[pangelsue]

I am right there with both of you. I have been off and on for the last couple of weeks. We all 3 have some issues with commitment. I wonder why. I read a book yesterday called "How to survive your diet." It was very interesting. It was written by a gal named Linda Moran. It is a very small book and a lot of it seems repetitious. It all came down to 3 points. First, she said any diet will work if you gear it to your needs and don't take it too seriously. She says perfectionists can't do that. They overthink everything and see everything in black and white. They want rules and then hate themselves when they can't live up to the rules. So far, she's got me pegged. She says traditional diets almost can't work for someone like me. I don't like rules, I rebel against following them and resent being told what to do so eventually I refuse to do it anymore. She says to gear your diet to your own needs and likes and make it your own. Relax and practice doing it as often as possible. Praise yourself when you do it right and let it go when you don't. She said have fun and learn. I'm trying.
Second, resist greed. She says there comes a time when you KNOW you have had enough. You can't repeat that first awesome bite or two. The main thrill is over and that is the time to stop. You should ask yourself, would another bite be greed instead of pleasure? If the answer is yes, take a deep breath and stop. If you don't stop, forgive yourself and move on. Every eating episode is separate. Screwing up breakfast doesn't screw up the whole day. It just screws up breakfast. She said practice with resisting greed takes time but see it for what it is, greed.
Third, stress is tolerable. She said most of us stress eaters don't want to tolerate even a minute of stress. We see it as abnormal. She stated that each of us deals with 20-40 stressful moments every day. We tell ourselves "this is intolerable" and get upset (depressed, lonely, angry, frightened, guilty, anxious) with each stressful time in our day. This would be too much for any one to tolerate so we try to numb ourselves with food. She says to try as often as possible to simply say "stess is tolerable". Then act as though it is until the feeling passes. If we make it through without trying to bury it in food, reward ourselves with lots of praise. She says that with time and practice we can teach ourselves to resist being greedy and accept the fact that stress is tolerable. She suggests trying to change negative chatter to positive support as often as possible too.

Some interesting thoughts to ponder. I know I am tired of dieting and getting no where. I think No S is a great and healthy way to eat but from the beginning I have been trying to force it down my own throat just like every other diet I have ever been on. With each new weapon I add to my arsenal. I am finding out that I don't need someone else's diet. I need to practice making one right decision at a time until I find my diet. I really think it will be a lot like No S but I have to make the decision to internalize it before it can work and I think that will happen one decision at a time. I also need to stop blaming it on stress, metabolism, genetics, lifestyle and upbringing when I don't do it. I overeat because I don't really believe yet that I can make myself stop. I am being greedy and want that food high over and over again because I don't want to deal with the low that comes after I come down from the high. I also don't want to feel any negative emotions at all (I am not even too sure how I really feel about positive ones, afterall , they end you know). I think I sort of anethesize myself with food to cover up how messy life is most of the time and how little of it I can control. That makes me feel helpless and I hate feeling that way. The really weird thing is the author was right. Just like a panic attack is much easier to tolerate when faced head on and brought to the light of reason, so are stress and emotions easier to deal with in the light of day.

So I guess I am done playing the game by other people's rules. They don't fit me. I know I can do this by my own rules. I just need to fail and learn over and over again until I start believing in myself and trusting my own powers to make the right decisions.

I hope this didn't sound down because it is really the most up I have felt in a very long time. Scared but up. I don't want anybody else's rules anymore. I will definitely stop looking for the right diet. My body already knows what that diet is. I just have to start listening to it and learning to work with it instead of against it. Listen to my body. Resist greed (it does exist and needs to be recognized for what it is and dealt with). And realize that stress is tolerable, life is messy and I can and have been handling it for 61 years.

Sorry for the long post on your board but that is where I have been since the beginning of the year and why I have not been posting as much. I need to find my own way through. I think it will ultimately be much like this lifestyle but I have to find a way to internalize the decision before I can live it.
I love you all and will continue to read and listen to your wisdom and comment (actually it is really, really hard to shut me up.) You will all be the first to know when I start operating from my own center of belief.

[gettnbusy]

Lost those few pounds I gained. Working on the rest. Still not at 100% effectiveness but doing better than the past month I've grappled with.

I think I've found a happy medium. Reworked my goals in a more realistic light and framework. I kinda gave up for a minute. Not really...but my actions looked that way. I kept saying TOMORROW I'll go back to No S. Tomorow came rarely. That is not the case today... but my mindset of getting back up on the horse took a temporary leave of absence and that can't and won't happen again. Tomorrow is NEVER GOING TO COME. So, I make the choice NOW.

I am back down to 257 AGAIN!! I really hate seeing that number. My weight went down then back up again over the last 3 months (holiday eating was too easy to get carried away with). I am left seeing my weight the same as it was at Thanksgiving time (almost 3 months ago). I lost so much weight, then gained it back & then some. So it is like 3 months have been stripped of my progress. When I think about it... that could be 15 pounds in 2 1/2 months.

So... this week has been much better. My choices are much better, though not perfect. BUT.. I see the progress and it motivates me further. I did drop 2 pounds this week and that is validation that I sorely needed.

[zoolina]

Christi--

Great Job! It's great that you are able to recommit. You're an inspiration!

I also have lost the plot a bit lately. Argh!

Good luck keepin' on,

Zoo.

[gratefuldeb67]

Good luck this week Christi
Feel like trying out the 21 days on habit along with me and Richie?
No pressure, just felt like there's strength in numbers!
Have a great weekend girlfriend!
Hugs to you and the boys
Debs xo

[pangelsue]

Welcome back, gal. Missed you. Glad to hear you are recommited and doing better. I will be rooting for you as you move forward. No S is simple (not to be confused with easy) but we are tough and will see the job through.

[gettnbusy]

Ok week - I don't expect any loss since my Sat/Sun were spent eating out all weekend with my friends since the boys were gone.

I don't know how I feel today. Just bleh. I definitely feel bleh.

[gettnbusy]

Having this program made Lent fasting much easier than ever before, let me tell you. In years past I thought I was going to die. Now, it was pretty easy. The hunger pangs in my stomach came at lunch time and dinner time but they were temporary.
There are so many things about this lifestyle that you don't even realize all the benefits. It's like quitting smoking. At first you think about the expense and your breath & clothes not smelling. Then over time you realize that you aren't desparately searching for a place to duck out to have a smoke in the midle of a party or at the basketball game. It's those little things that start to mean more and more the longer you are at it.

I would be 20 pounds heavier by now if I had not stopped my madness.

But I am not. I am actually 20 pounds lighter and working my way down to 25 pounds lighter.

My shoes even fit better. I'm so grateful for No S.

[USAFwife]

That is sooo great! It is so nice to see people actually happy while changing their eating habits. Congrats on your success! Im glad things are going so well for you. I am only 6 days into NoS and I am starting to feel better about the way I am eating.

Well, keep up the good work!

Janine

[pangelsue]

Way to go girl. You are turning the cheerleader in you back on. Give her the front row seat in your life and she will get you where you want to go.

[david]

Great work, Christi!

--david

[gettnbusy]

Lost only 1 pound, but better than staying the same or gaining I always say!

Still doing it... ex struggles popping in again as he is working on getting his parental rights back. Of course, that can't happen in California while there is a restraining order on him so no worries until the RO falls off in December. Still, he keeps doing stupid little things. Like not bringing the kids home when it is time, etc.

This is the largest stress in my life right now. Not sure why I am absolutely refusing to excercise lately. Maybe it is the cold or the habit has been broken. I will excercise tonite befor bible study. Hopefully that will be the trigger. I know that is the difference between losing the weight and not losing the weight cus my eating is ok. Well, not perfect, but good.

Thanks for your support.

[gettnbusy]

Well I am pretty much back on track. I say pretty much because I am not 100% back into my routine but I am getting close. A bit more practice and the habit will reform. I have been walking a few times a week again and hope to work up to 5-6 times per week.

I am finally down below 255...I have been stuck going up & down towards that number since Christmas. I have finally hit 254/253 this week. My appetite is pretty much under control MOST of the time. Like most of us I have problems with S Days...going overboard. But I've noticed that more my activity level, the better I can deal with S days cus I'm too busy to sit around & eat!!!

So...being active is my key right now. Lent is treating me well. Or should that be the other way around? The things I've given up are not missed much now. Weird how a week & 1 half can change things, huh?

Anywy---my boys want to sign onto PBS kids and play now.

[gettnbusy]

PS: My health is better now that Im paying more attention again. Another bonus.

[USAFwife]

That is awesome! I know that seeing the numbers is a wonderful thing, but I think that feeling better and knowing you are changing your habits for the better is more rewarding. Keep it up!




Janine

[pangelsue]

Hi and thanks for the nice post on my thread. Glad to hear you are back on track and that a suggestion from me has helped you. Many of the things you have said to me have been a great help as well. That is the best thing about this board. There are so many people here who help each other with matters other than food. And who are willing to admit that diet alone is not enough. We diet so much better when we are not stressed, lonely, unhappy, or being sucked dry emotionally by vampire people around us. Thanks for being there for me too especially when I need someone to listen.

[gettnbusy]

Been a good week. I walked so much yesterday that I got extreme (and I mean BAD) leg cramps from walking too fast too far. I literally was stuck in the middle of the sidewalk and could not move. It was paralyzingly painful. I've never had my body react like that. Of course, I was really pushing myself. Not a good idea I suppose. My legs (calves) are still so sore today I can barely move. So it will be a few days until I can walk again or use my calves at all for that matter. I REALLY tore the muscle tissue pretty badly.

Food is ok this week. Weight steady but hunger better. Urge to snack limited to a Dove small chocolate each day. Doesn't seem to be killing me and it is staving off many other urges (especially chocolate ones!) I know I should limit them to S days...I'm still taking my inventory

I seem to be constipated and dry. Going to try much more water this weekend.

[pangelsue]

I love how you are being so kind to yourself. You really deserve the loving attention. Cramps suck. Or do you really think you tore muscle tissue? Cramps can slowly be walked off but torn muscle tissue should be rested and might need a doctor's attention.
Hang in there and keep up the good mental chatter.
Lov 'ya.

[gettnbusy]

I rediscovered chai tea this weekend. Not good.
Ate like a glutton. Lent not treating me well. I have some MAJOR stresses going on here and I can't discuss them. Obviously I haven't learned more constructive ways around this stuff as I thought I had. Although - this is some SERIOUS matters I am dealing with here. Im trying to cut myself slack for the stress so I dont go overboard...but that doesnt seem to make it any better. Still same weight, but not eating healthy stuff. ACK! Tuesday will be better.

[joasia]

I just read your message to me from way back in August I think. I did not know I had this message and I did not know how to check it. Sorry. But thank you for writing.

Joanna
milczar

So how are you doing?

[gettnbusy]

Gluttony is a sin as any other.
It looms in my life lately. Huge amounts of stress are upon me so the last thing I do is think about my food. I am not doing awful - just making choices based upon comfort and ease rather than health and weight. For instance - I made a mexican casserole - you dont even want to know all the ingredients because you would throw things at me!! And I actually bought Cheeze its and soda and brought them into my house - something I havent done since August. The break down occurs when I bring it into my house. I cant eat it if it is not there. Oh sure, I can eat myself to death on other "healthier" stuff in the house but my rule was broken and I won't do it again.
The stress is bad at my house right now. It probably won't be lifted until November which is not good.
Onward I go...

[pangelsue]

Hi there kid.
What can you do to help alleviate the stress? There has to be something? Do you meditate? There are plenty of free meditations available online. If stress is unavoidable, you have to find time to take in down, even if only a notch or two.
There is a cool story my daughter told me once about Merlin the magician. He was trapped and imprisoned for months in a cave. He knew he was underground. The guards brought him food several times a day and slid it through a small opening in the door so there was no chance of escape that way. He saw no one, and he thought he had no possible escape. Day after day he told himself he was trapped and because of that, he was. Then one day in sheer frustration, he stood up and pounded the top of his prison with his fists and felt earth crumble down. He began clawing at the ceiling and within minutes, he saw daylight. The entire time, the top of his prison had only been inches thick. The magician who put him there told him it was a lesson. Prisons are of our own making. Even if your body is in jail, no one can imprison your mind or spirit without your permission. Freedom is often only inches away if you stop thinking like a prisoner.
Find any and all ways to escape your prison until November and you will score a win for each one. It will make you feel more in control and could help.
Well, "mom" is going to take her own advise and break out of the prison I have been creating for myself all week at work and go shopping.

[hexagon]

Hi Christi,

Sorry you're feeling so stressed.

Actually, on the upside of things, it's good that you had to actually make a special trip to buy junkier food. I mean, so many people just have that crap around their houses all of the time. I've had friends with pantries and refrigerators that *horrified* me.

I am totally like you. If there's something tempting at home and I'm around the house and things suck, that food is a goner. As long as I don't let it get home, I don't eat it.

For a while I was sort of tricking myself saying, "Oh, things have been tough, I'll stop at the supermarket on the way home and pick up item X, and only eat half." Yeah, right. Item X was never a sweet, but was some sort of food that was healthy in moderate quantities. The problem was that it would still be some food that I liked too much (at least too much to show restraint at times of stress)--something like a tin of roasted almonds or a loaf of freshly-baked bread. I'd end up eating the bread or almonds or whatever until I felt sick.

After doing this umpteen times and failing, I decided that if I feel an urge to pick up "something special" at the store, I've got to (mostly) ignore it. It isn't just some little harmless treat, it's me trying to dodge my emotions. I only make occasional exceptions now if I can find said treat in a single-portion serving, like a teeny bag of peanuts. Then I'll incorporate it into my plate. I've taken to using the same strategy for S-days and it's mostly worked (ok, yes, my last S-days sucked but it was because I broke my own "single portion only" rule...).

Anyhow, given my stress levels right now, my place is currently devoid of any temptation foods, which includes nice cheeses and bread (I was hitting the havarti a little too hard). I keep the cheese and bread at work and make sandwiches for lunch, but at work I can't just eat ridiculous amounts. Otherwise the stuff I have at home is all healthy and not readily available (I mean, I'd really have to cook most of it), except for fruit. Probably somebody looking at my refrigerator would think that I'm weird, but hey, I know at high-stress times I can't be trusted--and raw spinach and oranges are way less appealing for a binge.

So yeah, I hear ya, and I think you're still doing a good job if this is the first time you've done this since August.

Yeah, and ditto on the stress relief stuff with Pangelsue. Can you maybe keep a journal? That helps.

Today I had to deal with a really egotistical annoying nasty jerk. Unfortunately this guy works in the same institution I do; luckily I don't have to see him very much! He was being really unreasonable with me and it ticked me off. What I did was to draw a goofy cartoon of him in a personal notebook of mine (nobody would guess it was him...I modified it a LOT to make this little hairy creature with misshapen teeth...Well, that's kind of what he is, I guess) and then drew an arrow going through him. Anyway, it was very childish of me, but after I was done I looked at my absurd little cartoon and smiled. I guess it was my own little voodoo doll.

My point is that even taking a moment to do something random can still relieve stress. Drawing that dumb cartoon took less than half a minute, but it made me feel way, way better.

--H

[gettnbusy]

Hex & Sue - thanks so much for your input.

I have decided to forgive myself. Recently I found out that (although highly functioning) I am clinically depressed. This is temporary and now that I am aware of it I can being my journey. I have turned to food over the last 3 months to help. Of course it didn't...it hasn't for 20 yeras! All it did was add 10 pounds to my ass.

But I forgive myself. I am not perfect though I sometimes think I am. I was always trying to be something else - go to school cus my job isnt good enough; read more self help books or learn how to books cus I didnt know enough; buy more stuff cus I didn't have enough...it was never enough no matter what the issue. It still is a problem until I get some help. Until then, I take a deep breath every morning and pray that I will not try to kill anyone today (LOL) and my kids know how much I love them.

I don't have to be successful every day. Sue & I have talked over that a few times. It is ok to fall off the horse. Just gotta get my ass back up there every single time. I was deep into the all or nothing thinking for pretty much this whole year. It has gotten me no where. I hope I am done with that and can begin to accept that who I am is enough. I have so many people that love me and are proud of me. Now it is MY turn to do that.

Off for now.... TTFN!

[pangelsue]

I am sooo proud of you. What a great post! I think we have been on the same journey in some ways.
I actually think that vanilla No S may not be the best route for those of us who "always feel like we are somehow lacking something." The perfectionism vanilla No S shoots for feeds those feelings in us.
I have taken the brakes off my eating the last couple of monthes and have not really gained or lost. I am thankful to No S because I really like the one plate of food that has now become a habit. It also made me aware of my dependence on snacking and sugar and how the "perfect" diet is not out there. They are all perfect if we want them to work. I still am working on the psychology behind my feelings about sugar and snacks. When they are forbidden, they obsess my thoughts. When I allow them, I abuse them. That is why I love your "never enough" theory. When I eliminate sugar and snacks, I feel like I don't have enough joy in what I eat. When I eat them, there is never enough to fill the need. I think I don't allow myself enough satisfaction and feelings of fullness in the rest of my life and I try to meet that need with food. When I look at my gorgeous garden that everyone loves and praises, I see some beauty but I also see all the weeds I missed and that corner that didn't turn out the way I pictured it. When I accomplish the impossible at work and manage to keep up with the impressive load they give us, I see what I didn't get to and worry and obsess on how I can improve. When I make menus and produce awesome meals day after day and keep the household humming, I don't say "well done and smile". I think of the nutrition I missed in that day's meals, I see the dust I missed or think of the closet I didn't get to and hope no one ever finds outs that I am lacking.
Armed with your lovely thoughts, I will keep on working on liking each minute of my life. This minute for being busy, this one for being lazy, this one for being packed full of challenges and this one for being empty of accomplishment. This one for being painful because it adds to the joy I feel when the pain is gone. I think I will ask myself for each snack what I hope to get out of eating it. Then if there is another way to get that high, give it a try as often as I can and want to.
I just finished reading a section in a book my daughter gave me to read. The hero reaches a point where he realizes that if we were to become perfectly satisfied in all aspects of our lives, there would be no reason to continue. Challanges, problems, projects, study, working our way out of chaos are the things that make life interesting. Once we have finished with them, life has no meaning until the next project, challenge or whatever. We want the challenges, projects etc to continue because reaching the goals we set for ourselves are what all of life is about. But so is moving on to the next challenge. We need to enjoy and appreciate the journey and the process. Resolving the chaos is the part we should be enjoying not avoiding the chaos. People try too hard to make life smooth and bump free and what happens? They get bored and anxious and start thinking too much. But when you are in the midst of a crisis, it is amazing how time flies and the creativity blossoms. I guess I'm saying we should be learning to like the roller coaster ride because sitting in a pretty park on a bench and smelling the roses gets old really fast.

Thanks for being there and posting your thoughts. They help others more than you know.

[gettnbusy]

Still riding the No S horse - weight is slowly dropping. Like molasses. But it is NOT going UP! Major change! I am getting more activity now that it is Summer. Going on vacation to Monterrey/Carmel this weekend and it should be fun!
OK - I'm just checking in for myself. TTFN!

[gettnbusy]

I am registering for school today. I figured out that I was missing my purpose and I'd forgotten my dreams and goals and I lost my marriage and I felt lost. This is why I was depressed. Although highly functioning - I am a mother you know!

I feel much better about EVERYTHING. No S not out of picture, but I need to regain my good habits again. Starting my 3 week journey to break in my good habits once again. This week is very special with my kids and I will be not eating at home so I will have to wait til the Weekend to trade my S days and start on Saturday.

UGH - starting over again one year later. Story of my life. I'm gonna be 47 by the time I'm done with school YIKES! better than being 47 with no degree and the same job, though, right? Right! I'm outta here!

[gettnbusy]

Started last week AGAIN. Started school last week too. Start weight = 274 last week. This monday weighed in at 272. Stepped up my activity level. Pissed away the last 6 months and regained nearly what I lost. Writing here to get myself back in the habit of keeping tabs on myself. I did have a chili dog yesterday. and some mini corn dogs. EEK! Today was better except I had a soda with my 1/2 sandwich for lunch instead of water. Not perfect, but better than 2 weeks ago. Making an effort which will beffcome the habit once again. I got lazy and I regret it more than many other choices I've made in the last decade. It was a conscious choice too. Im not going to beat myself up though - that is how I regained the weight, my all or nothing attitude. Sooooo back up on the saddle and gonna take it a moment at a time until I remember the right way to do it and its comfortable again and there is barely any temptations because I will become strong like I was before. I am slowly becoming that person that my ex took away from me. again. Im in school again, my job is good, my kids are great (growing up too!), my focus is back to our family instead of the taterred reamains of the old one, encouragement abounds everywhere. Gratefulness abounds as well. Pity parties is how I spent my days the last 6 months. I dont want to live like that anymore. A friend woke me up this week. Pity is an awful emotion to feel for yourself, especially when I have such a competely blessed life. Most people would sell their relatives for my life. I have nothing to complain about so I no longer will if I can catcfh myself in enough time. I am shooting for never, but that is impossible because I am human. However, I am here and that is what matters to me right now. My stomach is gettn smaller already after the last week. As a matter of fact, I only could eat 1/2 of my sandwich today. YAY. Progress as seen through my little baby steps. My 21 days will probably take longer! LOL but what else is new with me? The habit is attainable, this I know from past experience. As a matter of fact,k Ive told every person iVE MET about Reinhards program here. This is a simple lifestyle change for me that I just need to relearn. This posting is here for me and no one else and I am not talking to anyone else. I am talking to me for me because of me. And in the words opf Stuart Smalley - Im good enough, Im smart enough and darnit, people like me. Especially me.

[david]

Glad to see that you are back! You've encouraged me to start keeping track again as well. Thanks!

--david

[gettnbusy]

Doing good, not great. Still keeping my activity up, but it could be better. Hard with school taking up so much of my time with classes and studying. Its all I can do to keep the boys fed, clothed in clean clothes, and get them to school every day while I get to go to work. EEK! But slow progress is still progress!

Doing better each moment for the most part!

[gettnbusy]

I cant even describe the shame and miserableness that I feel as I write this. I have completely failed to change my lifestyle even after doing so well for MONTHS. I go straight back to food at the very first sign on turmoil, weakness or boredom in my life. I obviously don't know what is wrong or I would fix it. That is what I do, I fix things. So why can't I fix this? This is all rhetorical of course as I know that no one else can solve my problem. I KNOW the right things to do, the right things to say, the right things to eat. It hasn't changed a darned thing with me. Compared to a year ago my life is smooth sailing on calm waters right now and still I eat...uncontrollably at times. I eat when I am happy or sad or laughing or bored or busy or studying or cleaning. It doesn't matter. I eat. I have gained back every single damned pound that I lost in 2006 during the course of 2007 on top of losing & gaining some in 2007 too! I think I've actually gained a few more than I lost in total.

I am not expecting a miracle cure and I know it takes work. What I don't understand is why when I know all the answers I still choose the wrong thing. I still choose to eat when I am not hungry. I still choose to eat a brownie instead of an apple. I think why might help me find a better solution. No S is the solution to the symptom - I already know that - it was more successful in my life than any other lifestyle eating thing I've done. I am just having a pity party and wanted to express my almost disdain for myself right now. I don't need pithy comments or cheerleader sessions right now. I just needed to vent and let it out so I can see this pity in writing in black and white. Maybe it will snap me out of it. Maybe it won't but I am willing to try anything at this point. Nothing else I'm doing is working in a positive direction when it comes to food. ACK!!!

[gettnbusy]

Day 1 - Monday

Weigh-In: 280 #'s (ish) - I got on the scale 3 times & it read different each time. 280 was the highest weight so I will use that one.

Eating: Did very well except a trip to the mall to buy some bras left me hungry and there was a Cinnabon there...I had one. So day one was a failure for that little mis step. I ate well most of the day except I had some crackers with my soup at lunch that I probably shouldn't have had.

Mood: out of
Today I feel much better since I got some sleep. My body is still recovering from my virus and I'm still coughing & have sinus issues. I got to sleep for over 12 hours last night (which hasn't happened in years) but with the boys gone I was able to do so. My mood is much better today than yesterday. Well, NOT A GREAT DAY ONE NOW WASN'T IT? But each day is a new day and at least I am THINKING about my choices even if I still make poor ones. I am practicing. That is what MY 21 days is about - practice makes perfect. I could have eaten chips and M&M's & all the other wonderfully tasty snacks that are in my office but I chose not to. So THAT is the successful part of my day that I will focus on and build on.

[gratefuldeb67]

Hi Christi!!!
Hugs to you!
Sorry bout the virus.
I am finally feeling a lot better but took about three weeks!!!
ARRRRGH!!!
Feel better soooooooooooooooooooon!
Love,
Debs x

[gettnbusy]

Day 2 - Tuesday

Weigh-In: None Today

Eating: Did very well except I made cupcakes for RJ's birthday on Wednesday and I had one with the boys with some milk. I had crackers & soup for lunch, toast with jam for breakfast & chili turkey dogs for dinner with green beans. Doing better and the snacking is getting easier. I mean the NO snacking.

Mood: of
I slept alot again last nite. I think my body is trying to recover from the virus. I miss chocolate. I think that may be my downfall.

[gettnbusy]

Day 3 - Wednesday

Weigh-In: Somewhere between 260-275 #'s Once again - I got on the scale 3 times & it read different each time. At least it isn't reading 280 anymore - I thought that was a wee bit high. I think I need to go to the drugstore or doc to get an accurate reading - my scale is acting like the exorcist spinning around!

Eating: It was RJ's birthday and we went out to dinner - I had a blue cheese burger with fries and a few bites of RJ's ice cream sundae and then we had cupcakes too - one at his school and then one later in the night. For lunch I had a taco salad and ate most of the fried shell. Not such a good eating day yesterday. Had muffin with jam for breakfast.

Mood: out of
Wednesdays was rainy; that is RARE in Southern California and it was wonderful. There was a slight chill (41 degrees) when I left for work on Thursday morning and I loved that too. I am happy at work and at home and my finances are way better than last year so God has blessed me abundantly in my life right now. Just need to ask for more help with the eating. It's better, just not great. I am working on it though.

[gettnbusy]

Day 4 - Thursday

Weigh-In: Scale is still evil and I havent found anothr one to weigh myself on. maybe its a sign!!

Eating: Had BBQ chicken sammie at lunch with 1/2 cup homefries and tea to drink, had chinese food for dinner - all chicken & veggies and steamed rice and 2 spring rolls, man I love chinese food! Had 4 Dibs that are still in the freezer. Managed to avoid any candy or cookies. Had a little popcorn to snack on during the day. it has been helping o avoid thinking of food while only adding a few calories. The habit. the habit. man.... not good.
Exercise: I tried sit ups last nite... OMG that ws hysterical - my belly is too big to do them! I wanted to try for 50 - I got to 17. This is gonna take some practice for sure. I am gonna recruit my sons to do them with me to make it more fun for me. They are great little support troops!

Mood: out of
I am ok - I am missing someone, my moods have been high & low this week. When they are high I have lots of energy and rarely think of food. This is probably my key. I need to delve into the bad spots in my mind to avoid them in the future. Here goes - don't wait up.

[gettnbusy]

Day 5 - Friday

Weigh-In: Scale is still evil and I went to my dads and used his scale - at night with my clothes on and it said 278 so that is where I think I'm gonna start - The sad thing is, it also weighed me at 271 a few minutes later. All scales are possessed lately for me! ARGH!!!!

Eating: Decent on Day 5 but not perfect. Went grocery shopping with boys - did pretty well except I bought breakfast foods for Saturday (bacon, potatoes, etc.) But I'm not going to beat myself up - its a rare thing so I will just take it as that.

Exercise: NO exercise on Friday ACK! Saturday roller skating- maybe - I am thinking of joining my sons skating class.

Mood: blah and bored

[gettnbusy]

This is not working - not the plan - ME!!!

I can't get it into gear. I am heartbroken and it affects me deeply every single time. I am not dealing with this breakup very well. I've tried to rationalize and it isn't helping. The food is almost unstoppable for some reason right now. I can't stop eating. I need some help. I will check into therapy through my insurance this week. I just keep feeling like a failure every time I come here. I have lost complete control and I know it isn't about will power any more.

[gettnbusy]

Ok then - my new therapist told me that my job between our sessions is for me to find a support group/plan. I never felt more supported than on Reinhard's boards. Sue & Deb were always lurking around as well as the others.

So here I am, I have nothing other to say than sorry to myself for once again allowing my addiction to overcome my life and plump up my belly even more.

I am at my all time high weight: 293 on Monday
My knees hurt when I walk up the two flights of stairs to my apartment and I am out of breath. That is alot of weight to drag up those stairs.

Tonight will be our weekly movie night, which means pizza - I am gonna stick with cheese only. That is my improvement for the day. I wrote on my blog here and that is my accountability for the day. Tonight I will find 15 minutes to either clean up, do a load of laundry up & down the stairs, or walk to the store.

Those are my simple goals for the day that I hope to achieve. Small steps for me to help break my addictions.

[gratefuldeb67]

Big hug to you Christi!!!!!!!
I am also very close to my highest weight, after a tough year.
But you will turn this around and good for you for posting and making your situation public. You've been away for a while. This is one of the most supportive groups of NoS'sers I have had the pleasure to be around, and more than a handful will gladly give you support.. Not just me and Sue (who is MIA actually?? Where are you Sue?)
I know you can do it!!!!
I'm finding the HabitCal very motivational.. Even when I have failures.
I'm trying very hard to tackle my habits.
Girl, you aren't addicted okay? These are habits..
Hard to break when they are with us for so long, but you have it within you!!!
You're a strong beautiful woman and just focus on being the best to yourself that you can!
You know your health is really the most important thing to take care of in your life and that you will feel a million times better when you feel you aren't spinning out of control.
Be patient. Keep your goals realistic and try to only focus on one new habit at a time if possible.
Love again!
Debs x

[gettnbusy]

ok - today, minor victory and adjustment...
lunch - had a sausage marinara sandwich which I havent had in many many months - I remember why - very good and filled with bad stuff for sure! I only ate half, brought the rest home, never ended up eating it. I was able to avoid the chips, although I had a soda instead of tea or water. However, my favorite chips were very hard to pass up and I did. Better next time self!
Dinner - it is movie night which means boys choose food - always pizza 9/10 times - and it ws again. I had one breadstick with marinara sauce.
Minor victory - ordered cheese only instead of all the other crapola.
Today was, what I hope to be, my last soda so I can kick this sugar habit I got myself back into which this program helped me kick 2 years ago.
OK, had 4 mini cookies that were made for movie night last night and a medium size glass of milk. I am getting bored which translate into the kitchen roam. I need to keep busy so I am going to take a shower and then do a load of laundry or something to get my brain off of making a cake at random at 11pm just for the chocolate! ARGH!!!
One victory at a time. I was able to say no and cut back a few times today - and that is something I have not done in awhile - say no.
Practice practice practice - I always tell me boys that....
This habit takes practice - I need to relearn it.
AHEM - off to the shower!

[gratefuldeb67]

Good for you Christy
I hope you don't mind if I'd suggest not to make it harder for yourself by adding extra restrictions..
You can have chips with meals, you can have toppings on pizza..
Having one breadstick and marinara sauce doesn't sound that satisfying, if that's all you ate?
Have normal sized meals so you will be satisfied.
Try to just focus your energy on cutting out soda and cake, etc. on N days.
Have a nice weekend.



Debs

[gettnbusy]

Well, down 3 pounds so far with no major pain. Trying to keep the activity level up a bit more. Trying to cut down my meal sizes. Still having issues with staying away from sugar - one of the cardinal rules of No S. Hmmmm.... gonna have to try harder to resist at that one. I am drinking water again instead of just decaf/green iced tea - I alternate 1 glass water, 1 glass tea as my trade off. I have cut the sugar in my decaf iced tea in nearly half so far, hopefully I can cut down some more. I am using 2/3 cup per gallon now instead of 1 1/4 cup plus before. School going steady,l but when I sit down to study, I get the munchies still. UGH. Trying to resist them by staying busy.

[gratefuldeb67]

Way to go!!!!
Have a good weekend Christi
Just save your sweets for the weekend. You will really enjoy them most if you know it's an S day..
Debs x

[gratefuldeb67]

Christi, I just thought of you again and something that always helps me, when I'm thinking of something tempting..
The funny, but powerful line from Reinhard, "You are pre-disapproved"

Sometimes you just have to be a hard ass on yourself and give yourself that "It's not an S day" tough love talk

As well, just simply try to stay away from visual triggers for these things.. It will make it less tempting if you just don't have the stuff in front of your face.
Good for you on cutting down on the sugar.
I have no clue how much you drink of it a day.. I would hope you aren't having 2/3 a cup of sugar a day???
Take it one glass at a time.
I wouldn't even pre mix it, because then there's so much more a temptation to drink your calories for the day..
Maybe just try using two teaspoons in each glass and limit yourself to three per day.. One for each meal?
I'd say that's probably a NoS kosher amount?
Richie has stopped drinking soda during the week, but before he recommitted to NoS with me, he was having it nearly daily..

I'm really proud of him. He's not even bringing any money with him to school, so it's easier to avoid the whole vending machine temptation.

Have a great weekend Christi!!
Congrats on your three pounds down!! Feels good doesn't it!?

[gettnbusy]

Deb - the 2/3 C sugar is per gallon of green / decaf iced tea! I actually meant to say that I've cut it down to 1/3C, not 2/3... I made a typo!!
So, 1/3 C per gallon, I suppose that works out to a couple tbsp per 8oz? I think.
Anyway, I have cut it down to 3 glasses per day now. Well, except yesterday at Disneyland - I had 3 - 20oz sodas! OMG!! And funnel cake and some chocolate with marshmallows. Ritchies 7th birthday. He got in free for his special day.
Today is my first in person date with a guy I've been talking to on the phone for 2 weeks every night for hours... wow he is so cool. I am so nervous I haven't been able to eat all day. I am gonna go now and try to force myself to eat a sandwich. I have a hard time eating when I'm nervous cus my stomach is doing flips!!

DEB I think you are right about your midnight eating - I do the same thing - we have to just say no to everything, even if it is healthy. NO SNACKS. I am working on it with you my sister!!

[gratefuldeb67]

Hahah! Good luck on the date!!!
I'm jealous!!!
The guy I like is more than 3000 miles away!!!!
Glad to hear Ritchie had a great Birthday!!
I'd say that a Birthday at Disneyland definitely warrants some S's!
Take care Sis
Debs x

[gettnbusy]

Well, I am 8 pounds down. I have been sick for over 5 weeks now. I am tired of being sick. Cough cough cough. My boss is tired of hearing me cough. My body aches every day. I miss homework assignments cus I cant stay up to do them at night. I am exhausted from the sickness. UGH.

[gettnbusy]

Emotional eating. Food addiction. General laziness brought on due to lack of interest. So, here I am AGAIN. About to "fix myself for good this time!". Like I haven't uttered those words 100 times in the last 25 years since I got fat in the first place. This note is really just for me, to get some things out...so if you are reading it, that's on you and be warned the crazy just may come out while I write this. I feel raw. I feel extremely fat, having gained back the 60 pounds and another 15 that I had lost previously in 2010 over the course of 2011 and early 2012. So...307 pounds. That is a record high. For my height that puts me at about 41% BMI. That's right Christi, you are about 41% total fat percentage of body weight. That means if 41% of my body were to disappear I would still be a normal sized person. Wow. 41%. That is a frightening number. Well, I've really done it this time...I have now acquired Type II diabetes. I had the chance over these many years to stop it but chose food instead. I chose sitting on the couch instead. This is my choice. This is the worst part for me. the complete lack of self control. I wake up every morning with a plan of action and every day pretty much I fail...most days I fail BIG TIME. All the support from this place, my friends, family, doctors, everyone! No words of encouragement really help when I am bored or lonely or happy or celebrating or in the kitchen - it doesn't matter WHY - because I eat ALL THE TIME: FOR NO REASON AND EVERY REASON!! Unless I have enough money to hire a personal chef and trainer I have not been able to do this myself. I can't stand when people tell me that I am just not making time for myself. Are you friggin kidding me? I have two young sons to care for by myself, I go to school almost full-time, I work, and I have to keep the apartment up and cook and clean and the laundry and doctor appointments and baseball games and practices and skate parks and ALLLL of it. Believe me, if I would have found a spare MINUTE I would have told you. These women on the TV (who, by the way, have husbands, personal chefs and trainers) lead you to believe that if you don't have 2hours per day to plan and prepare meals and work out then you just don't want to - they say the time is there. Oh really? Where - come on over to my house and show me which arm I am supposed to cut out of my life to make all this time that I am apparently just letting slip away from me every day. I am exhausted, thoroughly, at the end of the day. If I am lucky, I can squeeze in 7 hours of sleep. Exactly when am I supposed to prepare all these meals that take 40=60 minutes every day and go shopping for the ingredients and get the boys picked up and dressed and to practice and then wash the dishes and get the boys bathed and review their homework and check their backpacks and prepare for the next day and then get out the school books and study accounting for 2 hours straight and do related homework. Trust me, there is not any "lost" time in there, unless you count the 15 minutes I try to catch the news as I lay in bed nearly passed out, oh and then I do pass out in 15 minutes. OMG I am so frustrated. How do single parents DO this every day and take care of themselves and get all the needs of everyone met? It seems impossible, the house is always a disaster, I rarely get a shower, my clothes are always perpetually in the laundry basket waiting to be hung up but rarely make it cus I just pull the clean clothes I need out of the full laundry basket... OMG this is all so overwhelming. It is no wonder I am not climbing the padded walls by now. I am frustrated beyond belief at what my life has become and my body and well being. I am just beside myself that I have now contracted a disease that I did to my self. Now there are expensive drugs and testing and constant monitoring which probably will not get done enough or properly which will lead to organ failure and possibly loss of limbs.

I am scared to death and filled with excuses and actual reasons that I have no time.

I am sitting here and I just let out a great big sigh. I am lost. I am depressed. I am pissed off. I am tired. I am also, I don't know... I guess ready but unwilling to make a change.

I heard about a study at UCLA about food addictions. They say that because there is no way to avoid our addiction, we cannot be abstinent. This is true. They say we need a re-boot. Their re-boot process is to put someone on a strictly liquid diet for 3 weeks (21 days) to try to break the cycle and reset the brain. Then, re-introduce food at one meal and so on. Been thinking about it. Seeing the doctor on Friday. I hope to be checking in here again for accountability - Reinhard has always been so supportive. Still sitting here confused and scared. I don't even have anything to type anymore.

[gettnbusy]

Day 1 - Tuesday May 29, 2012:

Weigh-In: Weighed myself last week at 307 lbs. - largest ever.

Eating: Today was first day of "training" on the protein shakes. Had one for breakfast, accidentally forgot about lunch and then ate a HUGE caloric intake dinner as a result of being too darn hungry. No seconds, but just ordered too much food - bread, sweet potatoe fries, pasta with grilled chicken and tomator cream sauce. Then, snacked once later...instead of five times. No sugar snack - salty. Improvement here definitely.

Exercise: NO exercise Tues. This Saturday went roller skating for over an hour and Sunday bowling. Monday none.

Mood: blah and bored and a little bit nervous about first accounting class coming up next Wednesday - I am sooo not prepared.

Sugar: The protein shakes are low-carb editions so the sugar intake is minimal and mostly natural. I did have 1/2 of a chai tea latte with nonfat milk today that my son made me. Nothing else but water.

[gettnbusy]

total fail day today. Started out good...protein bar for breakfast, shake for lunch....then the hunger hit and a 3 hour road trip on the 405 during rush hour...headed to AM/PM of course for some water and...what's this?a Slim Jim and Ruffles? Oh yes, I'll take those with the water. Proceeded to InNOut for Animal Style burgers & fries and pink lemonades for dinner and to get off the freeway for a minute. Oh, wait! There is a donut shop! No self control whatsoever. My emotions from my sons suspension today and driving around in traffic got the better of me and my choices. Tomorrow. Onward!!

[gettnbusy]

Day three and four... half way good, half way disaster. Was away from home & my shakes.

Doctor appt on Day 4 - doctor refused to help me with any diet that included liquids - told me to go to diet clinic for supervision. Sigh. She said I could come and get my weight checked and blood pressure and she'd order blood tests, but nothing else. Minor setback. I guess I'm on my own since I can't afford a diet clinic to monitor me.

Complete protein shakes for 21 days. THEN, No S diet for rest of eternity.

Day 5 not so good so far. I have no idea why I am so weak. I've become very very weak in my old age. UGH.

[gettnbusy]

Well, finally was able to choke down breakfast shake, afternoon shake and could barely eat half of a quiznos 700 calorie sub sandwich. My stomach has been nauseous all day with a bad headache to nothing is good. Still feel nauseous. May finish the other half of the sandwich later may throw it away. Depends on how the stomach feels.

Signed away $76,000 in debt owed to me today...forgave it. Right thing to do - hope it doesn't come back to bite me on the arse. I currently feel it is the right things to do for the family. But I know the history with this person and he has made me regret every bit of goodwill I've ever shown him so I am not expecting this time to be any better. Just trying to accept that I am doing this for me, not for him. To make me feel at peace, not him. For my children to have a better life, not for his life.

UGH.

[gettnbusy]

Yesterday - positive calorie count (Over)
Today - first negative calorie count (UNDER!!)

[gettnbusy]

Every time over the years that I've gained weight I tried to take it off but nothing ever works except Reinhard Engels No S plan. I've been back on it since Jan 12th and things are easier 2 months in. I am sticking to it much easier than last month and the month before. Each day has its challenges and I can't always do it correctly. Sometimes the things in my life that cause me stress and boredom and makes me want to eat overwhelm me. The thing with this is that it really isn't a diet and I should adopt this lifestyle permanently but don't know why I haven't been able to. It's my crutch for life....food high in calories, salt, fat, grains, and sugar. I am addicted to the white stuff!

So far, I've done ok but last week gained some back as I stopped paying attention so I am here to try to regain the momentum I've built up and this week I want to be better.
I lost 8 pounds in 7 weeks but I've gained back 2...

01/12/2016 353.2 # Start weight
01/22/2016 350.3 # 10 Days
02/05/2016 348.3 #
02/16/2016 347.4 #
03/04/2016 345.5 #
03/22/2016 347.5 # Today

Accountability and responsibility. I only eat foods and beverages that are consistent with being 175 pounds. No sweets, No snacking, No seconds. This mantra over and over with feeling. I am putting this into the power of the universe.
I only eat foods and beverages that are consistent with being 175 pounds. No sweets, No snacking, No seconds.
I only eat foods and beverages that are consistent with being 175 pounds. No sweets, No snacking, No seconds.
I only eat foods and beverages that are consistent with being 175 pounds. No sweets, No snacking, No seconds.

[gettnbusy]

I have had moderate success this week. I did manage to lose 1 pound so it seems ivhad more better days than not. I like to see the scale moving down. Off to my Dr app now.

[gettnbusy]

I'm at 346.1 Friday