Ugh. Depressed

[FarmerHal]

Tomorrow will mark 100 days of DH being deployed. It feels like FOREVER. I chose to stay at home with my 5 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter. I wake up every day- same stuff different day. Laundry, dishes, separate fighting children, make a meal, have kids tell me it's yuck and not eat, dishes, laundry, clean up whatever spilled substance dd can get into, more laundry. Pick up toys, shoo dd out of my makeup, lipstick nicely painted on the walls, Potty train dd, get upset with ds because at 5 he SHOULD be potty trained but I come to the conclusion he's just lazy (yes he's been to the doctor about it).

I moved home to be near family for "help" and they were all just "so excited" we were moving here but I hardly see hide nor hair of them. I have to beg to get them to watch my kids for me if I have an appointment and there are always stipulations "ok I'll watch them but I have to be at so and so's by such and such or blah blahblah."

And I vent to dh when he calls because I have nobody else who understands or who will just listen. This has been THE MOST CHALLENGING time of my life. I DO NOT ever want to repeat being a single mom of small children during a long deployment EVER AGAIN. NEVER. I hate it.

It's no wonder how much I have to fight the urge to binge to make these horrible hurt/lonely/sad/tired feelings just GO away. And there's one thing to be said about feeling like a terrible mom, and another about feeling like a failure because I am so overweight.

Just depressing.

I want this to be over, there are STILL 306 days to go till dh comes home. I swear I will have a MAJOR cow if he has to deploy again. MAJOR.
Bless all those other families who have to go through multiple deployments with kids!! (I've been through several others but we didn't have kids at the time.)

Thanks for listening. Friday's Red day was because of all the stress, festering like a smoking volcano.

Maybe if I were skinny none of this would be so overwhelming...

[vmelo]

I'm so sorry, Tiffani. I'm very thankful for the sacrifices your husband is making and that you are making.

I have no words of wisdom, but I know what it is to eat out of frustration, stress, etc. It seems like an endless cycle, and there's just no energy to put into changing it (at least that's the way it feels to me sometimes).

Please hang in there.

[FarmerHal]

Thanks vmelo. It is not easy, that's for sure. But then I beat myself up because there are hundreds of thousands of families going through this right now. I feel like I just need to suck it up!

Thankfully, today is an S day so it's ok maybe if I seek solace in some brownies lol.

Ugh.

[Kathleen]

shamrockmommy,

It is difficult! It amazes me that people think being home with children is like a vacation. Ha! I just quit my job and plan to get another one in the fall, but being home with children -- even at the ages of 8 - 15 -- is much, much harder than working. Going to work was like a vacation! I could concentrate! I could go to the bathroom without interruption! I could set my own schedule!

All I can tell you is that I thought I gained wieght when I had pre-schoolers due to stress, but the weight did not just slide off after they were older. That's when I realized that -- at least for me -- it wasn't emotional eating.

We couldn't afford babysitters, but what we did do was trade sitting with other mothers or couples. Babysitting co-op! Is there a mother's group through a local church? Is there a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group?

I don't regret for an instant giving up any shot at a career for the opportunity to be home with my children. It was difficult, but I have been there for them. Your children need to you now more than ever, so please take care of yourself.

My daughter (15) now is a mother's helper for a woman who has three young boys. She was very apologetic about needing someone to help her with her chidren. I told her I certainly understood!

It was very funny to me when, two years ago, I had to go through a very difficult cancer treatment (four surgeries in three weeks) and was unable to drive for about three weeks. One memory in particular stands out for me. My husband took our four kids to the state fair, and when he returned he collapsed into a chair. I have this memory of him lying in the chair with his chin tilted upward. He was completely exhausted! That month probably gave him more appreciation of what it takes to care for children than anything else!

Chin up to you! Look for help and not just from family. I bet there are people willing to help. Just the other day, I had my children in for haircuts, and a mother plopped her 1 year old in my lap and asked me to watch her while she had a haircut. I was complimented to have been asked, and we entertained the little girl while Mom had a haircut in peace.

Kathleen

[ams09]

shamrockmommy, just because there are other families going through the same thing doesn't invalidate your feelings. Im so sorry! I know it's hard because my sister in Ohio is going through the same thing. Her husband is in Afghanistan and had two prior tours in Iraq. She does have help from her two oldest kids who are in college but they live with her. But on the weekends she leaves her 6 year old with the 15 year old and parties with her girlfriends. Her way of dealing with the stress.

Venting a little is good for you! Hang in there!

As far as losing the weight, you can do it! Think of the end result! You'll feel so much better and have more energy. And yay for brownies on S-days!!!

[la_loser]

Maybe if I were skinny none of this would be so overwhelming...

Doubtful--we tend to find something use as our "back-up" excuses . . . and I've known plenty of skinny minis who have plenty of problems.

I say--break out the brownies-(it IS Sunday!) if you think that's going to help (but if you do that you're pre-disaproved to beat yourself up for it later!). . . and you know, it's perfectly legal to just sit down in a big ole bubble bath (that might have to wait till the young ones are in bed) and have yourself a big cry. Clear the air-it's OK.

I do remember in the last few weeks that you've talked about building a critter house with your dad. . . and doing some really long bike rides with him. . . and spending some quality time with your grandmother and eating those delicious cookies she makes. I know that the times in between are long and lonely and frustrating-I haven't been in your particular shoes but I do sense your pain.

I remember a few days ago that KCCC ( I think?) was talking about making a list or keeping a list of the good things, the things she enjoys, the things that make her smile, etc. Maybe you could start one of those lists, especially after your mood has perked up so you'll have it to come back to when you feel so overwhelmed.

And tomorrow--you just have to (repeat after Vicki) MARK IT AND MOVE ON. I know-that's easy for me to say.

I just read Kathleen's thoughtful response. I know you moved to your hometown and am assuming that there are no military posts there? If there is one nearby, even if it's not your family's "home base" there might be some support there. Or how about a Mother's Day Out type place. Locally the parks and rec dept for the city and also the local zoo sponsor all kinds of great summer "camps" a week at a time for kids for all age groups, even the little ones like yours. If you could fine something like that you could give yourself a break and just have some time at home FOR YOU or you could sign yourself for a class you've always wanted to take--like cake decorating or other crafty type stuff.

I suspect you know all these things though and the real issue today is that it's been a hundred whole days since he left and it's hitting you like a ton of bricks. I just know that tomorrow you'll pick yourself and dust yourself off and whew--carry on like we know you have the strength to do.

[kccc]

Tiffani, I am so sorry that you have so much to deal with. I don't know where to begin to comfort/support/encourage you...

Child-rearing can be so draining... you can't "fill someone else's cup" when your own is empty, and kids take a lot of filling. They have no emotional "center," so you have to provide all there is... and it's hard to ALWAYS have to be the adult. (How many relationships is that true in?)

I am sorry your family isn't more supportive. I do think Kathleen has some good ideas about looking for other sources of support. Would one of the organizations on this website be a fit for you? http://www.mothering.com/mother-support-resources (found by Googling).

Deep breathing sounds trite, but it's an old remedy for finding calm for a reason - it's tried and true.

Do take a bit of time to do something nice for yourself every day, no matter how small. You NEED it. Think of it like "putting your oxygen mask on first" - you're no use to anyone else if you collapse through lack of self-care. So make that a priority.

Sending you best wishes.

[~reneew]

You have my total sympathy! My full time working days were a breeze compared to staying home with your own kids! I'm a SAHM and we have 4 kids and the oldest was 8 when the youngest was born. There were days when I just burst in tears of frustration and couldn't wait for relief. Sometimes my hubby would come home and I say "I'm outa here!" and leave immediately. I lived alone with the kids for 6 months during a move when they were 3,6,9,and 11. I cannot imagine your built up stress. I want you to know that we honestly appreciate your sacrifice that you make for all of us! And when you start to wonder, it is the best for your kids too! Follow your heart!

Some of the things that got me through were my MOPS meetings and the friends I met there. I think Kathleen mentioned that already, but it was the best for me. I also always made swap dates with friends. Another Mom and I would plan every Monday either my kids were dropped off at her house or alternately she's drop them off at our house. I knew that on Mondays I either got the morning to myself, or my kids had friends over. A few years I had it going with another Mom on Thursdays too and I arranged it so that it alternated so I went out once a week. Once we did 3 Moms until we all had 4 kids each and agreed it was too much. I used to teach preschool, so I tried to have as much fun as possible with them. When your days get hum-drum, try switching it up and trying something new... sleep in sleeping bags in the livingroom or having what ever they want for a meal. It's amazing what they come up with. When I would get really sick of the same ol' thing, I'd make a calendar of fun stuff to look forward to. The library has tons of ideas for that. The library also may have a free preschool story time. I did those too... at least I had an hour and met other Moms. Keep your chin up. Of course praying helps.

[Betty]

Tiffini,

I'm so sorry you are in the position of having to deal with all this. You are an incredibly strong woman!

I don't know if I have any advice that hasn't been given but my prayers are with you and your family, all of you.

Don't forget: you ARE sucking it up. You have the right to feel sad and angry and worried and I don't know what else through this whole time. Just having feelings doésn't mean you aren't doing what you need to do, Right? And even though I don't know you I have read enough of your posts over the years to know that you are doing your best, doing just fine, even if you feel like breaking down. Honestly.

Please don't stop posting. We are here for you...
Betty

[wosnes]

You have my total sympathy! My full time working days were a breeze compared to staying home with your own kids!

I totally agree. In fact, I think it's easier to work with kids at home than it is to stay home with the kids 24/7. Unfortunately, I don't think it matters much whether there's a husband there to help out or not. Usually, the bulk of it falls to mom. Actually, sometimes I thought my dh made it all more difficult!

The husband of a friend of mine would be gone (he worked on the oil rigs) 4-8 weeks at a a time. While she missed him, she thought that the time he was gone was much easier than when he was home -- even with the kids to take care of. Of course, when he was "home", he was really at HOME -- didn't have a job to go to. When he quit working there, she had a terrible time adjusting to him being home.

[FarmerHal]

Thanks to everyone for their words of support and encouragement and a very special PM, thank you

Yesterday I just was in such a funk and feeling like this will never end. It also doesn't help that we knew he would be deploying since, I think it was June last year, so it feels like this deployment is forEVER.

So, deeep breath... keep moving on.

One thing I can stay in control of is my eating (with the help of noS) and that will help a lot!

Thank you all, again for being my little online noS family, your support means the world to me (hugs).

Tiffani aka shamrockmommy.

[winnie96]

Tomorrow will mark 100 days of DH being deployed. It feels like FOREVER. I chose to stay at home with my 5 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter.

A younger friend of mine is home with kids of the same ages, and although I personally haven't had that experience, seeing what her life is like makes me appreciate how difficult that can be -- and this is under normal circumstances. Adding your husband's deployment into the mix creates a situation I can't even imagine ...

One thing I can stay in control of is my eating (with the help of noS) and that will help a lot!

You're absolutely right, and I'm so glad you are able to recognize that in spite of everything. Keep looking at No-S as kind of a safe haven where you are in control and things are going well. (Sometimes, I think of No-S as my little secret -- it's so unobtrusive that people don't necessarily notice what you're doing -- so I'll pass up seconds, for example, feel really good about it, and smile, just to myself).

It looks like people have given some good suggestions here. I especially liked KCCC's:

Do take a bit of time to do something nice for yourself every day, no matter how small. You NEED it. Think of it like "putting your oxygen mask on first".

And remember we're all pulling for you! And keep posting and venting -- you need that, too!

Best wishes, Winnie

[wosnes]

Yesterday I just was in such a funk and feeling like this will never end.

It DOES end. Or, at least it gets different.

[vmsurbat]

Tomorrow will mark 100 days of DH being deployed. It feels like FOREVER. I chose to stay at home with my 5 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter. I wake up every day- same stuff different day. Laundry, dishes, separate fighting children, make a meal, have kids tell me it's yuck and not eat, dishes, laundry, clean up whatever spilled substance dd can get into, more laundry. Pick up toys, shoo dd out of my makeup, lipstick nicely painted on the walls, Potty train dd, get upset with ds because at 5 he SHOULD be potty trained but I come to the conclusion he's just lazy (yes he's been to the doctor about it).

Dear Tiffani,

I wasn't able to post when this first came out. My heart goes out to you. You have gotten lots of good advice--especially seek out someone (a family, older woman?) who can give you a much needed break.

My husband was deployed for 7 months when our children were little (6, 4, 2, and expecting--baby #4 was born two months before my husband got home). Some things that REALLY helped me were:

1. Once every couple of weeks, a family from our church would come visit in the evening. The husband would give my son a bath and spend time with him, the teenage daughters would give my two girls a bath and spend time with them, and the mom and I sat in the living room and talked for 2 blessed hours with no interruptions. On those nights, I just had to kiss my little sweeties good night. A small ministry but a huge blessing to me.

2. We had "rest" time every afternoon--even for the oldest who didn't really need a daily naptime. This lasted about an hour. While the toddler napped, the 4 and 6 year old had to stay on their beds, quietly reading or coloring or whatever--just so they didn't bother each other or Mommy. I was free to nap, read, take a shower *uninterrupted*, or just sit and daydream.

3. Since each day CAN seem to be a mere repeat of the previous day (after all, little children thrive on routine), it helped for me to *plan* a few special "events." Some that I can remember: since my two oldest were both born in August, one dreary February we celebrated a "half birthday," just for the fun of it. I made half a cake (circle cut in half and layered to be half a two layer cake), we ate on "half" plates (paper plates cut in half), invited a neighbor girl who got into the spirit and brought a box of crayons cut in half as a gift--one half for each girl. Simple but memorable. Another big hit was to have a monthly "living room sleep out". I got the couch, the kids got the floor: we spread blankets, pillows, sleeping bags on the living room floor, ate popcorn, read aloud a story by candlelight, and slept in that one big room all together.

I am *not* naturally a very creative person, but I found it really only takes a couple of ideas (which can be repeated!) to make good memories for the family even in difficult circumstances. Being pro-active really helped *my* spirits just as much as it helped the children...

4. The children had a set bedtime (8pm) every night. It really helped me to know at the end of a weary day that my mothering duties would end--being able to count on it helped me send my kids to sleep without being a grouch. If I focused on *my* tiredness, I would be one mean momma, and I REALLY didn't want my children's memories to be Mom yelling at them every night. There were many evenings when I told myself "Only 30 more minutes to go! Keep sweet for just 30 more minutes!" And it helped.

You don't have an easy task, but you can DO IT, one day at a time, one morning, afternoon, evening at a time. Don't focus only at the big picture (300+ more days), but celebrate each day, one by one. Put out a big calendar and mark each passing day with a big slash and rejoice that that day brings your husband home one day sooner.

HTH,

[FarmerHal]

Thank you, Vicki.

I definitely need more me time, that's for sure. I think I will try the camp-out this weekend down in the family room. Movies, popcorn, sleeping bags, the whole shebang. S'mores or something campy.

We do have a general set bedtime, about 8-8:30 depending on how long bath time and books take.

Just a quick thank you here, got to get some b'fast going.

[reinhard]

Hi Tiffani,

Sorry it's taken me so long to weigh in here -- sounds like you're in a very tough situation. I know how crazy-making kids can be even for a few hours with two parents around. When I think that my grandmother raised 8 kids, I realize why corporal punishment was universal until very recently -- "time out " isn't scalable to more than a couple kids (if that! I'm beginning to have my doubts!)

We couldn't afford babysitters, but what we did do was trade sitting with other mothers or couples. Babysitting co-op! Is there a mother's group through a local church? Is there a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group?

Even if you can "offload" just one child to a friend for a bit, it can make a big difference. Our youngest in particular is delighted not to have the competition of her big sister for a few hours and behaves much better alone. And then when we return the favor and take a friend's child, our older girl is usually so exited to have her friend over that they're easier to take care of than if it were ours alone. There's not really any downside, besides having to coordinate a bit.

As others have pointed out here, kids love routine. It's not just us everyday systems practitioners who can benefit from it

Best wishes and hope something here helps,

Reinhard

[Blithe Morning]

You are probably also missing adult interaction. Going day after day with mostly kids to talk to is brain draining. Do what you must to get yourself some grown up time. This is a priority. And I mean it.

I'm sorry the family support has not panned out as hoped. In the end, it's their loss since they will have lost an opportunity to be a part of your children's lives in a very meaningful way.

When I am feeling overwhelmed I get out my list of things that make feel better and start making life corrections based on them. They are:
- Good quality food in reasonable portions to nourish myself physically.
- Plenty of water. Being dehydrated makes me feel tired and I don't do well when tired.
- Exercise and fresh air. Hard with kids but not impossible. I thought I was in pretty good shape until I tried playing tag. Can you take the kids outside with little tiny sledge hammers and do shovel gloving?
- Bible reading, prayer and regular church attendance to nourish myself spiritually.
- Staying on top of household tasks. This goes a long way to help my emotional equilibrium. I felt crummy this weekend and honestly, doing the dishes, making the bed, throwing out some trash and folding a basket of laundry made all the difference. I kinda use the Flylady system.
- Spending time with people who care. My first reaction when I'm feeling down is to withdraw. I've learned to not give into that. I try and get myself out there. If you haven't found a network in real life yet, try listening to Flylady. I know she isn't everyone's cup of tea but she is very nurturing. Listen to her blog talk radio and podcasts.
- Something to challenge my mind and talents. Two things that crush my soul are boredom and being wrapped up only with me and mine. I don't know if you are dealing with either of these but it's something I check in on.

If I were you, I'd look for something social to do given your circumstances. Starting a support group for deployed families might be an interesting task. Or you can start an outdoor club for families. Talk to your local librarian. He or she might be a good person to visit with about what the needs of young families in your community might be.

I'm betting you can do more than survive this deployment but actually thrive if only in particular areas. And if things get really bad, please see a doctor. It's not any good for you or your children or your husband if you are not able to function.

[kccc]

When I am feeling overwhelmed I get out my list of things that make feel better and start making life corrections based on them. They are:
- Good quality food in reasonable portions to nourish myself physically.
- Plenty of water. Being dehydrated makes me feel tired and I don't do well when tired.
- Exercise and fresh air. Hard with kids but not impossible. I thought I was in pretty good shape until I tried playing tag. Can you take the kids outside with little tiny sledge hammers and do shovel gloving?
- Bible reading, prayer and regular church attendance to nourish myself spiritually.
- Staying on top of household tasks. This goes a long way to help my emotional equilibrium. I felt crummy this weekend and honestly, doing the dishes, making the bed, throwing out some trash and folding a basket of laundry made all the difference. I kinda use the Flylady system.
- Spending time with people who care. My first reaction when I'm feeling down is to withdraw. I've learned to not give into that. I try and get myself out there. If you haven't found a network in real life yet, try listening to Flylady. I know she isn't everyone's cup of tea but she is very nurturing. Listen to her blog talk radio and podcasts.
- Something to challenge my mind and talents. Two things that crush my soul are boredom and being wrapped up only with me and mine. I don't know if you are dealing with either of these but it's something I check in on.

This is a GREAT list, Blithe!

[winnie96]

Staying on top of household tasks. This goes a long way to help my emotional equilibrium. I felt crummy this weekend and honestly, doing the dishes, making the bed, throwing out some trash and folding a basket of laundry made all the difference. I kinda use the Flylady system ... try listening to Flylady. I know she isn't everyone's cup of tea but she is very nurturing.

Loved your list, too, Blithe ... and I'd like to second the household tasks item. You're right -- doing chores like that can make "all the difference". If I'm feeling down, I'm apt to just sit and think about how many gallons of ice cream I should have, but if I give myself a gentle kick in the butt and get up and do just one useful task, no matter how small, I can usually turn myself around.

I kinda do Flylady, too. Her system is a little too organized for my approach to housework, but it can give you a bit of structure, and I certainly agree that keeping up one day at a time is better than letting the house degenerate into complete chaos. I guess that would apply to many things as well as housework!

Tiffani, I hope things are going a little better for you. I hope the camp-out event went well -- sounded like a great idea. And I hope it helps to know we are all thinking of you. Winnie

[joasia]

kids - an over rated concept. I use to want 4, then I started working with them and I am down to negative 10. Hats off to you, I think parenting is the hardest job in the world.