Linda's daily check-in

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Sun May 25, 2014 6:51 am

Ursula, That really is a cool idea about the peppermint oil!

Auto, Yep, it can definitely be challenging to balance your time with more than one kiddo. Do you have 2 kids?

Linda, I was just curious.

That's great that you and your DH were able to get some alone time! It looks like you had a great S Day.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Mon May 26, 2014 4:48 am

I have my kitchen island back as well as one grumpy child. Aaawww the joys of the post sleepover funk!

I definitely overdid it today. Once the permasnacking begins, it's hard to stop. Oh well!

Break: toast w pb, mocha
Lunch: sushi, fruit, nuts, egg salad
Dinner: shrimp salad--2 kinds on toast, iced tea
Dessert: Hershey kisses

Doesn't look so bad on "paper" but it's all that picking while cooking/cleaning up that puts me over the top.

We're having ppl over tomorrow for Memorial Day so taking a NWS but will keep it limited to when company is here.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Mon May 26, 2014 6:08 am

The sushi and shrimp salad sound really good! I hope you have a good Memorial Day.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon May 26, 2014 11:55 pm

Hope your get-together went really well!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue May 27, 2014 4:09 am

Thanks heather & auto!

Get together went really well. Kept it super low-key. Gotta love costco ( I know u do auto!). I ate way too much though. That makes 2 days of this. I'm worried I won't lose any weight this month or ever for that matter. Oh well I'll weigh in a few days and go from there.

Break: pb toast, sugar free mocha
Lunch: hamburger, chips, dip, fruit, Mexican crackers, 2 grapefruit margaritas
Dinner: kisses, chips & dip, bite of hot dog, pie & ice cream

Exercise: 14 mins row. I really need to get back in semi-shape!

I had one of those movie transformations fantasies today. You know where you transform your entire physical self by just true grit & persistence. Waking up early exercising intensely for 3 hrs, eating low-fat, high-fiber meals & drink nothing but water & carrot juice with the theme of rocky playing in the background of course. Oh well it's a nice fantasy but not sustainable. Nos is so realistic, so sane & sustainable but glamorous it's not

Talia should be home any minute. I miss her so dang much but sounds like she had a fabulous time so am happy for her.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Tue May 27, 2014 1:23 pm

That's hilarious Linda. Have you read the thread on the General Board about the Fantasy of Being Thin? Thought it was quite good.

As for rocky - use that energy to go on a power walk to the eye of the tiger and then laugh it off

Ursula · Post by **Ursula** » Tue May 27, 2014 9:44 pm

Linda, I keep meaning to tell you that I love your daughters' names. So pretty and so cool.

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Wed May 28, 2014 3:03 am

Hey, I had that fantasy tonight. Sortof. I had a different diet plan (basically starvation) and I included a makeover and finished with a shopping spree in Italy, but essentially the same. Right after I passed a large window and saw myself in it.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed May 28, 2014 3:52 am

Thanks eschano. I took your suggestion and put my energy into my work out but didn't mess with my eating. Felt great!

So funny Dandelion. I forgot to fantasize about a reward. Shopping in Italy is definitely a good one. I can smell that Italian leather now! I guess those thoughts will always be appealing on some level. It's funny though when I was in my (traditional ) dieting years I was able to tolerate each consecutive diet for shorter & shorter lengths of time. Now I don't even bother to act on them.

Thank you so much Ursula! We pondered over those names a great deal. You'll have to tell me each of your seven dog's names at some point. Is it hard to tell which is which dog or are they pretty distinctive looking?

Also thanks for the compliment regarding my girls and their body image/relationship to food. I think that's the one aspect of my parenting in which I feel pretty good, but still worried about those tricky body obsessed teen years. I could write a book about the weight obsessed family in which I grew up. Still, I know they meant well.

Break: 2 cheese blintzes, fruit, sugar-free mocha
Lunch: chicken sausage on a bun w sauerkraut, potato salad, fruit, iced tea
Dinner: lobster ravioli, garlic toast, side of meatballs w red sauce

Exercise: 14 mins rowing; 14 mins no gear work out

It felt great to push myself w exercise a little. I'm nervous about weighing myself at the end of the week. I feel like I've been eating a lot of dense food & may have gained weight. Or it could just be the pms monster. Oh well whatever happens, I'll handle it.

Ps thanks for all the great book ideas. Definitely going to checking out amazon tonight!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Thu May 29, 2014 12:28 am

I'm glad you had a good Memorial Day! I've been frustrated over my lack of weight loss, too. I know some of it is my own fault (the eating at night), but even when I've gone through streaks of not eating at night, the weight hasn't budged. I too have had those same fantasies of really clamping down on my diet so I could finally lose the last of my excess weight. However, I just don't want to do it anymore. No S is definitely the most sustainable way of eating. Good job on the exercising!

Heather

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Thu May 29, 2014 5:57 am

Thanks heather!

Break: toast w pb & bananas, granola, cashews, watermelon (hungry!)
Lunch: sushi, nf mocha
Dinner : pizza, nectarine, chips & guacamole, iced tea

14 mins rowing

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Thu May 29, 2014 9:41 am

You know, I should have said this long ago, but it took Ursula's compliment to you about your girls' names prompted me to also mention that I have always thought their names are beautiful. I know Zoe means "life" or something similar; what does Talia mean?

Ursula · Post by **Ursula** » Thu May 29, 2014 5:30 pm

Way to go, Linda, with the exercising! I am a big fan of daily sweating, though only AFTER it's done and over with. If you can focus on how you will feel post-suffering, you will be in semi-shape in no time (reading your self-described goal made a burst of diet Sprite squirt through my nose. Classic.)

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Fri May 30, 2014 2:22 am

Thank you auto! Talia means "heaven's dew". Their names seem to fit their personalities really well too.

So funny Ursula!

I think it's all about getting real for me these days. I used to exercise as much as I dieted but just got so burnt out on all of it. Now I'm realizing exercise is suppose to feel good not feel like a punishment. It can & should be really enjoyable.

Had a great work out today & just skipped the exercises I didn't enjoy (something I never would have allowed in the past). I went swimming with the girls later & feels great to just enjoy moving this old body a bit more!

Break: cereal w fruit, sugar-free mocha
Lunch: Asian chicken salad, bread, guacamole & chips, iced tea
Dinner: beef stir-fry, rice, glass of port

Exercise: 14 rowing; 14 mins no-gear workout; swimming

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Fri May 30, 2014 4:14 am

Your body is not old!!!

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Fri May 30, 2014 8:49 am

"Heaven's Dew" - beautiful!!!

You're doing well it seem

And S days just around the corner.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sat May 31, 2014 4:06 am

Hehe thx auto! Ok this middle aged body then.

Thank you eschano.

Break: cereal w fruit, sugar-free mocha
Lunch: grilled chicken club burger, fries
Dinner: tuna melt w avocado & tomatoes, chips w spinach dip, yogurt, port

14 mins rowing.

Omg, major pms today. I'm such a B today, I can barely stand myself. My poor kids!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Sat May 31, 2014 8:06 am

Good job, on the workouts! I hear you, on not exercising to punish yourself anymore. Because of the issues I've had with my right leg the past few months, I've been forced to scale back on my workouts, and I'm okay with it, actually. I like doing just enough to feel good, but not to punish myself. I love the meaning for Talia!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sun Jun 01, 2014 7:02 am

Thanks heather.

Feeling a little better but boy these hormones mess w me. I feel so emotional & sensitive. I'm also nervous about my trip to Vegas. Being w my oh so perfect sister makes me feel oh so imperfect. Ugh. It doesn't help that I've gained so much weight of course, but oh well, I can't put this off forever. Of course she's already giving me assignments like making a toast at dinner even though I hate public speaking. Maybe I'll let DH do it, that'll really piss her off.

Anyway ate way too much not surprisingly.

Break: break burrito, bacon, sugar-free mocha, strawberries w whipped cream
"Lunch": chips & spinach dip, cashews, port, champagne
"Dinner": pizza dip w bread, chips & spinach dip, iced tea
Dessert: Hershey kisses

Boy that was some chaotic eating today. I feel badly I didn't give my kids proper meals today.

Wow, I need to get out of this funk.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:07 pm

lpearlmom wrote: She's already giving me assignments like making a toast at dinner even though I hate public speaking. Maybe I'll let DH do it, that'll really piss her off.

LOL, that is priceless!! I double-dog dare you to do it.

She's older, right? I remember you talking about her in your thread awhile back, now I'm intrigued to re-read about your relationship while growing up....something about your mom had to work and you didn't like the chaos around you. How did that affect the way you and your sister interacted? Were you alone together a lot?

Also, funny that you think of her as your "perfect sister", because Linda--you are amazing! You constantly inspire all of us with your devotion to your family, your home, your cooking, and your insightful way of getting to the heart of a matter.

lpearlmom wrote: Boy that was some chaotic eating today. I feel badly I didn't give my kids proper meals today. Wow, I need to get out of this funk.

And on this one, it WAS an S Day. Although I'll be the first to admit that my family could do with some great home-cooked meals, I still think it's fine (and fun, even, for kids that are used to regular cooking) to have some "whatever" meal days. But what is also funny is that I read through your foods, sort of thinking, "yum, double-yum, also yum, oh, extra yum"....

In addition to PMS and the upcoming trip, I would also bet that the "getting into the summer groove" has got you down. I have a dear friend that gets depressed every year the first weeks of summer vacation. Then she's fine for awhile, then gets depressed again near the end, when she can't WAIT for them to go back to school. Same mini-cycle at December holidays.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:52 pm

Auto, you are the sweetest. Thank you so much. Your post really lifted my spirits.

My sister and I were together alone way too much and I feel like she tried to be my mom (still tries?). We fought a lot and she would physically attack me. I was scared to go home sometimes. She's never apologized. To her it was just normal sibling stuff but not to me so I basically avoid her a lot. But she's very persistent and I want my kids to know their cousins (she's got four kids).

As I write this, I'm kind of dumbfounded by why I feel obligated to spend time with her. She always makes it about my mom though whom I adore. We're going there to celebrate her 75th bday. Oh well it's just three days. It'll be fine.

Adjusting to summer is always difficult. I just feel like I can't get as much done around the house as I'd like, plus DH has been in LA for the last couple of days. He tends to make everything light & fun around here so definitely missing his presence.

Anyway thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your kind words.

Linda

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Mon Jun 02, 2014 4:48 am

Another snacky day. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

Break: toast w pb & banana, sugar-free mocha
Lunch: pizza dip w bread, nectarine, licorice, iced tea
Dinner: tangerine beef stir-fry w/ rice, iced tea

Exercise: ran around the water park w the girls.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Jun 03, 2014 4:07 am

Wow even though my goal is to lose at least 1lb/mos till I reach my goal weight, I guess I thought I'd lose it a little quicker in the beginning. Oh well w all those May celebrations I guess I should be happy.

Break: oatmeal w fruit, sugar-free mocha
Lunch: tuna sandwich, little stir-fry
Dinner: tater tots, fish sticks, nectarine, orange san pellegrino

Exercise:14 mins rowing

NoSpending day-
Had to pay $16 for kids dentist visit (no cavities--yay!) and $50 for bug guy. (I'll be more careful w scheduling from now on).

Other that was great.
Things I was tempted to buy-
Coffee $5
Lunch out $20
Wood chips $10
Dinner out $35

I could see how this would really add up to a good amount of savings. Really proud of myself for finding something for us to eat instead of getting take-out

Linda

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:48 am

lpearlmom wrote:As I write this, I'm kind of dumbfounded by why I feel obligated to spend time with her. She always makes it about my mom though whom I adore. We're going there to celebrate her 75th bday. Oh well it's just three days. It'll be fine.

I'm sure you'll be fine Linda, and it's lovely that you'll be there for your mom on a such a special occasion

One thing that strikes me when reading your posts is that you are a very sensitive, self-aware person. It sounds like your sister isn't. Not that she's a bad person, just that she isn't particularly sensitive (i.e. asking you to speak without remembering that you don't like to) or much into reviewing her self or past actions (i.e. not much insight into how her behaviour might have impacted you as a child). Not everyone is blessed with high levels of empathy and insight, you know? So, in this aspect of life, you are the one who excels.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Tue Jun 03, 2014 6:43 am

Great job on resisting the various spending temptations!

Heather

worth it · Post by **worth it** » Tue Jun 03, 2014 3:15 pm

Linda, I first want to let you know that I truly enjoy reading your posts! I'm always impressed how freely you share your true self through your writing- I believe it's a talent and a gift that you have.

So, I was prompted to write because of your latest post on moderate spending. I know that both you and Auto do it (cool idea!) and it's something I'm starting to consider. So, I'm thinking through how you both do it... N days- no spending on non-essentials; S days-spending is more relaxed? Is that how it works? I guess it's a question for you to Auto (sorry it's on Linda's board).

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Jun 03, 2014 6:26 pm

Hi worth it--I will answer you on my thread....

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Jun 04, 2014 5:51 am

Yeah ironchef, I don't know. It's hard for me to be objective about my sister. She just seems to live by so many shoulds & I've spent a lot of my life questioning life's shoulds. Everything she does seems very calculated. In jr high school she very methodically went on a quest to be popular. She achieved her goal but it never looked like much fun to me. I just cannot relax & be myself around her because she's so critical.

She once came to my daughters bday party & was critical of my husband because he didn't help me more. If I was fine with how much he was helping, why does she care? When she stayed at our house for a weekend she made a snide comment about how my daughter "sure likes to get whatever she wants". My daughter was 3yrs old at the time. I'm pretty sure this is par for the course--ugh! Okay deep breath!

Anyway thank you worth it, that's such a great compliment. I guess I find it very therapeutic and everyone is so kind & supportive here so feels like a safe place to be truthful about things. As for the spending. I modified autos idea to two (M, W) days of no spending (eschano does this too I believe). I do a lot of shopping during the week when the girls are at school so all week of NoSpending wouldn't be realistic but 2 days seems doable. I'm not keeping my husband bound by it either.

Today was a great day. Zoe was grounded and I offered her early release if she helped me out all day--laundry, cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, assembling furniture. Ended up being really fun & she has a newfound appreciation for what I do. (Kept asking me if I really do this everyday).

Break: oatmeal & fruit, nf mocha
Lunch: veggie burrito, chips & dip
Dinner: grilled steak w chimichurri sauce, fingerlings potatoes , asparagus & a glass of wine

Dinner was SO good and made me ridiculously happy to see everyone enjoying it so much.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Wed Jun 04, 2014 7:28 am

I'm glad Zoe's punishment worked for her! It sounds like she'll have a greater appreciation for what you do. Your dinner does sound really good!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Jun 04, 2014 12:44 pm

Love the story about Zoe surprised at how much you do every day!

I wish I could get my son to feel that way. Ask him, and he'll tell you he does more chores than anyone else in the house, and that his chores are much harder, too!

And glad to see you back to making your gorgeous meals and taking delight in your family's enjoyment of them.

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Thu Jun 05, 2014 12:10 am

On the same track again - I went shopping today and bought steak, a bag of small red, yellow and purple potatoes and asparagus

That's for tomorrow. Today we were supposed to BBQ at the pool - but a thunderstorm rolled in. <sigh>

My youngest is an old soul and is a bit of a worrier. I explained to him he would be sharing more of the load around the house - doing a bit of everything for home, garden and car maintenance as well as general cleaning tasks. After all, in a few years he'll be doing all of it, so it's in his best interest to learn how to do it properly now. In a way he's happy to be learning how to deal with things adults have to take care of - though still enough of a teenager to be of two minds about it. Not to mention all that summer homework!

worth it · Post by **worth it** » Thu Jun 05, 2014 1:12 am

Thanks for the info on NoSpending- the two days (and not binding my husband by it) seems really reasonable and may just work for me...

My husband and I were recently talking about siblings and how we could only identify one family where the siblings (a brother and sister) actually LOVED and respected each other. It put things in a new perspective for me, as I always was taught "you should love each other (me and my sibling), you are family!" I have often felt guilty for not having a closer relationship with them, but I'm starting to realize that most family's do not. I guess this was a long way of saying, I can empathize with you!

Aside from all of that, your dinner sounds lovely... it's inspired me to go pour myself a glass of wine!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Thu Jun 05, 2014 4:18 am

Thanks Heather!

Auto: this is really funny but Zoe actually had a nightmare last night about all the piles of laundry coming to life. So yeah yesterday definitely had an impression on her. She even offered to help me fold today without me even asking her. As for your son, he definitely does more chores than my girls. You've trained him well!

So funny Dandelion, we're certainly in sync! Sorry about the storm but hope you get to BBQ soon. I put wood chip packets on the grill to impart a smoky flavor--yum!! Sounds like you're doing a great job with your son. I agree it's important they learn this stuff before they're on their own and I know they appreciate it even if they grumble a little on the way.

Worth It: yeah families can be tough. It makes me sad to think my kids won't be friends when they grow up but who knows? Our neighbor down the street lives next door to her sister and even though DH & his sister don't talk talk to each other that much when they are together, they really enjoy each others company so there's hope, right? Anyway as long as they don't hate each other I think it's fine.

Anyway we had a good day at home but definitely hard to get a lot done w girls home.

Break: leftover stir fry & rice. Sugar free mocha
Lunch: steak & veg quesadilla, chips & dip, nectarine
Dinner: chicken dog, potato salad, chips & dip, nectarine

Exercise: 14 mins row; 14 mins no gear workout; swam w girls

NoSpending day: success
Was a little tough because the girls really wanted to go out to dinner and I really didn't want to cook. Still we stuck to our plan and ate at home. I need to plan better for dinners on these days. Other things I wanted to buy--dog food, coffee filters, kindle book.

Interesting how this is teaching me to make do. I dug out my old keurig machine & made coffee, I gave the dogs some leftovers and I read book that I never finished.Ta-Da!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:39 am

Linda, good job on resisting on the spending! I hear you on the Kindle books! I have a hard time resisting the temptation to buy new ones, but I have a bunch that I haven't read yet, so I'll try making do, also.

Kookie · Post by **Kookie** » Thu Jun 05, 2014 11:08 am

Hi Linda,

I love reading your thread...poor Zoe having a nightmare about laundry! Hilarious! I remember when I first began to see my parents as people in their own right and develop that empathy for them aside from their parental role. I wonder if that's what Zoe is experiencing. Sweet girl!

When are you off to see your sister and her family? I second the idea that your DH makes the speech! DEFINITELY!! And act totally innocent if she confronts you about it, he he.

Sounds like your food is going really well - very steady. That's so fantastic. And your exercise too!

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Thu Jun 05, 2014 1:47 pm

Great update, Linda! Wow, you really roughed it!! Leftovers for the dogs? Pulled out your old keurig? Now if you start having to go without TP, maybe a mod should be in order. Hahahaha

Re: siblings and friends, there are stories on every part of that spectrum. My gut is that your girls are going to LOVE LOVE LOVE each other when they grow up and can appreciate each other's differences. They'll probably text (or whatever people will do in 15 years) every day!!

My sisters and brother and I were NOT close growing up. There was lots of physical fighting, bullying, manipulation, jockeying for approval from parents, etc. And now? We all love and appreciate each other. We all live in different states, and still keep in good contact (well, especially we 3 girls).

My husband has 5 siblings and they all get along disgustingly well.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Jun 05, 2014 11:26 pm

automatedeating wrote:My sisters and brother and I were NOT close growing up. There was lots of physical fighting, bullying, manipulation, jockeying for approval from parents, etc. And now? We all love and appreciate each other.

Sounds like me! My sister and I got on terribly - yelling, fighting excluding from games with other kids. As adults we get on fantastically, I was her maid of honour last year and although very busy, she is here at least once a week to hang with me and see her nephew. It can happen and I'm sure it will with your little ones

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Fri Jun 06, 2014 2:54 am

I've bought three Kindle books lately - but I think those are the first I've bought in months. Usually I use the Overdrive app to check books out from the library. I have about three new ones, a new audio book that keeps me company while I work around the house (now that I don't have the daily hour commute) and a couple of my 'hold' list. I think I use that app more than any other.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Fri Jun 06, 2014 4:48 am

Heather- yes it's all too easy to click that little button!

Kookie: yeah Zoe's definitely maturing.

we leave the end of next week and are going a day earlier than my sister & mom so I'm really looking forward to that part.

Hopefully we'll just keep too busy for any problems to come up but honestly if she makes this trip miserable for me, it'll be the last time so either way it'll be ok. Oh & I ended up writing a short but very sweet toast that I know my mom will love.

Thanks to auto & iron for sharing their sibling stories. I'm hopeful they'll like each other as adults.

Dandelion: I've never even heard of that app but am def going to check it out--thx!!!

Break: oatmeal, nuts, 2 pieces bacon,
Lunch: turkey & avocado sandwich, cherries
Dinner: chicken & shrimp fajitas, margarita

Exercise: 14 mins of aerobics routine

worth it · Post by **worth it** » Fri Jun 06, 2014 11:35 pm

Just wanted to say that I was able to do a search and find you on instagram. May I say that your girls are beautiful! If you are the photographer in most/all of your pics, I would also say you have another talent there too! Let's see: writing, photography, cooking...what else? Very inspiring!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sat Jun 07, 2014 12:56 am

Oh thank you worth it--you just made my day!

all the pics were taken by me. It is something I really enjoy so really appreciate the feedback.

Thanks again for the great compliments!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:51 am

Out all day with the girls & their friends so too much junky food for my taste but it's ok. I bought some nice salmon & potatoes for tomorrow!

Break: sausage breakfast sandwich, nf mocha
Lunch: grilled chicken sandwich, fries
Dinner: pizza, cherries, 2 wine coolers

Looking forward to my S day tomorrow but going to try not to have a snackathon. Ice cream & cookies sound good!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:37 am

automatedeating wrote: Wow, you really roughed it!! Leftovers for the dogs? Pulled out your old keurig? Now if you start having to go without TP, maybe a mod should be in order.

Forgot to say that your post totally cracked me up auto! I know I have it pretty rough, huh?

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Jun 07, 2014 12:38 pm

Glad I cracked you up, Linda!

I am only on page 54, but I think I have a book to recommend to you! It's called The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, by Mary Ann Schaffer and Annie Barrows. It just has that light, take-me-away quality that some books can pull off delightfully. I'll update when I'm done, but I just have a feeling about this book. A good feeling.

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Sun Jun 08, 2014 1:19 am

Love that book! It was the very first book I bought when I got my first Kindle

idontknow · Post by **idontknow** » Sun Jun 08, 2014 7:03 am

We used to have a 'Summer Reads' thread on the any other topics board - maybe we should resurrect??

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sun Jun 08, 2014 7:31 am

Thanks for the tip auto (and dandelion!). Just started it & loving it already. Great idea idk. Seems we have a bunch of avid readers here.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Sun Jun 08, 2014 8:46 am

I'll have to find that book! I just finished a great legal thriller called Directed Verdict, by Randy Singer, so now I'm looking for something a little lighter. Yes, a Summer Reads thread would be great!

Heather

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Sun Jun 08, 2014 8:24 pm

Great idea on the reading thread!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Mon Jun 09, 2014 4:01 am

Last two days have been good eating wise but as the departure day for our trip gets nearer, my feelings of dread are getting stronger. It's silly though that I should allow my sister to have such a hold on me. I need to just go and have fun and not worry about what she thinks. Yes, I can do this.

Break: oatmeal, 1 blintz, nf mocha
Middle of the day grazing: 1 cookie, handful of chips, fried pasta(DHs experiment), olives, nectarine
Dinner: grilled salmon w olive vinaigrette, baked potato, piece of bread
Dessert: (will be) bowl of ice cream & 1 cookie

Low energy the last couple of days but tomorrow I need to kick it into high gear to get ready for our trip & need to get house ready for house/pet sitter!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Mon Jun 09, 2014 7:11 am

Linda, That sounds like a good plan, to try to have fun and not worry about what your sister says and does. I know that is easier said than done! How did the fried pasta turn out?

Heather

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Jun 09, 2014 1:27 pm

Hi Linda,
Good luck getting your energy where you need it so you can get your chores done! I so know that feeling! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

Re: your upcoming doom, oops, I meant upcoming vacation!

-- last summer when I went to visit my family, I practiced my responses to anticipated comments, actions, etc. I wrote a bunch of them down, and even practiced in front of the mirror. Then, I even got my husband to role-play a little with me so I could practice the lines with a real person. I don't know about you, but one of my family problems is allowing myself to feel like I have to justify everything I do. I'd let myself get sucked into conversations where I was defensive. I hated it. Well, my practicing ahead of time with short, sweet answerrs REALLY helped.

idontknow · Post by **idontknow** » Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:30 pm

Hi,

Sorry for hijacking your thread, but the summer reads thread has been rebumped here:

http://everydaysystems.com/bb/viewtopic.php?t=6486

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Tue Jun 10, 2014 3:15 am

Further hijacking - reading old posts in the book thread - you said you worked in MK? I used to live there

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Jun 10, 2014 6:20 am

The pasta was kinda weird heather but maybe just needs a lil tweaking.

Thank you auto for the great advice. That's exactly how I feel like I need to defend all my choices in life though I can't imagine why you would ever need to feel that way.

The girls were super well behaved and I managed to get a fair amount done although still a ton to do. The never-ending to-Do list. Oh I really wish I didn't agree to this trip.

Break: two crepes w fruit, mocha
Lunch: veg burrito, chips & dip.
Dinner: beef & bean burritos, chips & guacamole, iced tea

Thanks for posting that idk & no worries dandelion !

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Jun 10, 2014 8:13 am

Good luck and safe travels. I hope you are pleasantly surprised

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Jun 11, 2014 3:07 am

Thank you ironchef--I'm sure it'll be fine. I just want to get it over with which is an odd thing to say about a "vacation".

I'm going to ridiculous lengths to at least appear halfway acceptable. Tomorrow I'm getting manicured, waxed, blown out and I even bought two new bathing suits & an $80 pair of flip flops! Really the only one who should be worthy of all this fuss is DH. *sigh* I'm officially crazy.

Oh well anyway, today was good. I sent the girls to day camp & finally got my house back to my standards. I feel so much calmer when everything is clean. Still have a bunch of laundry that I need to squeeze in tomorrow.

Break: scrambled eggs, toast, oj, nf mocha
Lunch: veggie burrito, chips & guacamole
Dinner: subway sandwich, chips

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Jun 11, 2014 4:05 am

Well, all those nice things will be nice for your husband, too......

Your trip must be close. Good luck!

I'm glad your girls are behaving well. My boys have been AMPED up the last few days! Way too rough with their wrestling, lots of real fighting, too. Whining, arguing, etc. ad nauseum.

Are you going to be able to avoid mentioning NoS while with your sister? I can only imagine that could be a hot-button topic!

and edit: why I would need to feel that way? LOL, it's all "relative" in families......ain't that the truth?

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Jun 11, 2014 6:40 am

Idk: just wanted to say I got some great ideas from the summer reading thread so thanks again!

Dandelion: were you talking to me or idk?

Auto: no I definitely wouldn't discuss NoS with my sister or anything diet-related period. She's a size four always trying to get down to a size 2--enuff said.

I'm sure your boys will be back to their angelic selves soon and my girls will be back to driving me crazy in no time.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Wed Jun 11, 2014 10:15 am

Oh, the pampering sounds lovely! Have a wonderful holiday. I hope you and your sister get on amazingly, if surprisingly, well! And if not - you have those summer reads!

worth it · Post by **worth it** » Thu Jun 12, 2014 2:49 am

Ok, girl- you're getting my famous line... "It'll turn out better than you think!" My husband would be sighing right now.

I remember you saying in a previous post about how grooming can go a long way for making you feel better. I think this is exactly what you needed.

If all else fails, go to the casino?

Be well!

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Thu Jun 12, 2014 4:10 am

lpearlmom wrote: I'm going to ridiculous lengths to at least appear halfway acceptable.

I know you were being flippant (and I'm a big fan of pampering now and then), but just wanted to affirm that you are 100% acceptable, beautiful, worthy and loved, just as you are. And if your sister or our society or media don't agree, then [insert naughty words here] them and the horse they rode in on.

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Thu Jun 12, 2014 8:21 am

I really hope your trip ends up being a nice one for you, and I agree with what everyone else has said.

Heather

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Thu Jun 12, 2014 1:48 pm

Thank you eschano, heather, worth, & iron for your supportive words. Really needed to hear all that. You guys are the best!

I have a feeling you're right worth and it will "turn out better than I think" & maybe even pretty enjoyable at times. We are keeping very busy w dinners & shows so not too much time left for fighting. I hope! I don't gamble but will do plenty of drinking (not too much though!) and sticking my nose in a book seems like a good idea too.

The pampering was nice and the girls really enjoyed getting their nails done with me but ultimately you're right iron, I need to have the take it or leave it attitude. I really dislike how she makes me feel when I'm around her. I guess that's what it comes down to. I really don't want to waste time on being with people that make me feel badly about myself. I'm so weird around her, so eager to please. I even find myself matching her tone of voice & agreeing with everything she says. It's so odd. It's like I'm doing everything in my power to avoid a possible conflict. Ugh.

Okay enough analyzing it's just vegas for the weekend. It'll be fine! Here's my yesterday:

Break: oatmeal w fruit, nf mocha
Lunch: 1/2 sandwich, cup of soup, iced tea
Dinner: plate of Chinese food, iced tea

There wasn't a ton of food for dinner because they forgot part of our take out order so I wanted to make sure everyone got enough. I ended up taking less than I normally would have and was still hungry after dinner. It was hard but got through it (barely). Need to get back to exercising!

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Thu Jun 12, 2014 2:28 pm

Oh Linda, I know exactly how that feels. I have two girl friends I grew up with and they make me feel exactly like that. And I am so different when with them!

Either way, don't be angry at yourself if you do end up behaving this way. I figure it's just very old patterns that are on autopilot so not much choice there. Just celebrate the little wins, like that second you're not different.

And many thanks for your great advice on my thread.

Kookie · Post by **Kookie** » Thu Jun 12, 2014 4:13 pm

Hey Linda! Just wanted to chime in to say good luck on the trip. If it's any consolation, I always get cold feet before going away. Always. It's really normal, I think, to have slight dread because it's the unknown and none of your familiar routines/stuff and a lot of memories of past hurts too which you want to avoid.

I love auto's suggestion of role-playing ahead of time what possible scenarios might come up based on past experience and choosing who you want to be rather than being reactive. And then maybe also formulate an attitude ahead of time of how gentle and forgiving of yourself you will be when/if you don't handle it well and/or end up doing all the things you do to avoid conflict which you'd rather you didn't do.

And as others have said, this is YOUR vacation too so do what you want to do, read, have fun, focus on who you want to be, come here to tell us all about it!!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Mon Jun 16, 2014 6:52 am

Thanks so much Kookie & eschano. It helps tremendously knowing I'm not alone.

So the trip was fun but exhausting. I have to say my sister was perfectly nice to me, my kids & my DH. I'd be hard pressed to find any fault with her behavior during our entire trip but if I'm honest it's just not fun spending time with her.

I guess I just wish I could have a sister that was a little more normal, a little more ordinary, a little bit more like myself... She is just SO type A! I'm okay with ambitious people but everything she does feels so contrived. I would never want her life in a million years but it's hard not to feel like you pale in comparison to these types of people and to have an older sister like that is just tough.

So I had to hear about all her world travels, well known friends, charity involvements, her four children's academic/artistic/athletic achievements, her career/sports achievements. You know the drill! All I had to brag about was our new house & the fact that my kids ate escargot, halibut & sushi while her kids would only eat pasta. That was fun though because she kept trying to control their eating while I let my kids control their own eating. Clearly her attempts have backfired on her.

Anyway, I'm so glad I went. It was good for me to face my fears. I think it brought DH and I closer because he was so supportive during this whole trip. I think my sister saw a different side of him on this trip. He gave a very sweet toast to my mom (so did I). My sister made her kids say a toast but one of them refused & there was almost a fight at the table. Awkward!

So long story short, glad I went but even happier to be home!! Here's a funny fake christmas letter from a extreme type A personality I found online. It so reminded me of my sister and was good to be able to laugh about it all:

Merry Christmas, all!

Frank and the kids and I are very thankful to have had yet another spectacular year! We are truly blessed, as we've surpassed all of our expectations, and our children are damn near perfect!

Jennifer won The Miss America Pageant as a 10-year-old, and is going to Dartmouth in the fall. She's torn between solving world hunger or becoming a neurosurgeon while pursuing her career as a model on the runways of Paris. (Knowing her, she'll probably find a way to do all three.) She was also drafted in the third round as a pitcher for the Yankees, but has decided to pursue her education and modeling instead. What a blessing she is!

Jason has really taken to the study of particle physics, and hopes to change the orbit and/or position of the earth in an attempt to solve global warming. Not bad for a 2nd grader! He's also captain of his elementary school glee club, math, lacrosse, soccer, and water polo teams. He's found that he only needs 4 hours of sleep a night, which helps him keep up with the on-line classes he's taking at M.I.T. Our biggest challenge with him is to get his head out of the books at night. Ugh!

My soul mate and best friend and smoking hot lover Frank and I renewed our vows again over Thanksgiving, as we are so thankful for each other every minute of every day! 20 years and two children later and I can still fit into my wedding dress -- what a blessing! The photo of the re-nuptials appeared in the wedding section of the New York Times. We had to buy an ad and put the announcement in it, but we thought it was important to share our special moment with the world.

Frank just received yet another promotion at Acme Paper, making him ESVP of Sales and Development and Marketing and Operations and Insights and Strategies for New England! The gigantic bonuses along with his six-figure salary have afforded us some wonderful blessings, and we're very humbled by them. We've traveled the world three and Â½ times this year, and plan on hiking the Himalayas without a guide in July.

As for me, I've taken this year to step back and smell the roses. I decided to chair only 4 non-profits, and have cut my other service commitments down to several. Running the charity auction at the country club was taxing but rewarding. We raised over a million dollars by selling adoptable babies from foreign countries. It just goes to show you how generous, kind and welcoming our community is!

Well, I'd better skedaddle. I have to go onto our back 40 to shoot the Christmas turkey.

Thank God for you, dear friends, and for all of our blessings!

Merry Xmas!

With Love,
The Perfectimentes
Mary Frances, Frank, Jennifer, Jason

Sorry if I sound bitter I probably am a little but I know I need to get over it! Oh and my eating was fine. Super disappointed in most of the food in Vegas so craving some good home cooked meals. I walked a ton which was great!

Sorry for the novelette!

Linda

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Mon Jun 16, 2014 7:12 am

Linda, Yes, it was definitely good to face your fears, and I'm glad you were able to have a good trip. I think the fact your girls eat such interesting foods is definitely something to brag about! My boys are pretty picky -- especially the two year old. Too bad your sister is so Type A. The fake Christmas letter was funny. I definitely know somebody like that.

Good job on doing a lot of walking!

Heather

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Mon Jun 16, 2014 1:24 pm

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Thanks for sharing the letter, Linda!

That is exactly why I am not on Facebook! It messes with my mind to read other people's entries that sound like snippets of that letter.

Glad you survived the trip, bravo to your girls for eating snails and raw fish,

, and double-bravo for your husband for being supportive when you especially needed it.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 5:37 am

WARNING: OFF TOPIC POST AHEAD. MUCH DRAMA INCLUDED!

Thank you heather!

Yes auto I'm not on fb either...same reason. We can see the ridiculousness of it all when it's shown in the extreme.

Today was quite a day for me. I understand now why I was so reluctant to go on my trip. Being with my sister & mom at the same time brought up so many difficult emotions & painful memories. Things I've been trying to stuff away and not deal with.

Today I realized it's time to let go of my anger & hurt over past events. Seeking revenge just keeps the pain alive. And while I can't erase the past I can learn to let go. Then the healing can begin.

Both my girls were in camp all day & as I thought back on the last couple of days with my family, all of these memories came flooding back. I spent most of the day in tears. I realized maybe it's not actually my sister that hurt me so much but my mom. Maybe it was easier to blame my sister. Maybe I just couldn't deal with the fact that my mom was less than perfect.

Today I found this quotation and I'm holding onto it dearly:

â€œIn the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself...it will be a permanent self rooted in awareness & creativity. Once you have captured this, you have captured the world. " (deepak chopra)

I'm ready to let go. I think it's been holding me back and stunting my growth as a human being. I'm excited to see who I am when I finally release the pain.

Things I'm ready to start letting go of:
1-my mother used to leave me alone hours on end to go out drinking. I would stare out the window hoping and praying the next car would be hers. I'd usually write her an angry letter that I never gave her & cry myself to sleep.

2- my father died when I was 15. My mother made me go to school the next day. I couldn't bring myself to tell my friends about it. When they finally found out, they didn't know how to handle it (understandably).

Sadly a lot of my friends turned on me. Before this I had a large group of close friends. Friends I'd known since kindergarten. It was unbearably painful. I've never trusted woman friends completely since then. I tend to sabotage things and reject them before they can reject me. I need to let go of this. I need to open myself up for new possibilities again.

3-- when my mom dropped me off for college in my new apt, my electricity still wasn't turned on. It was night out and dark. I never understood why she didn't stay with me that night. Why she didn't seem sadder about leaving me? Isn't that suppose to be one of the hardest days of a parents life?

These were undoubtedly hard things but I need to face them & let go of them. It's hard but will be worth it.

I like this too: "Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go." --Anais Nin

It's funny that I'm writing about all this on a diet board but I've been avoiding these feelings for so long I can't help but wonder if eating has been one of my coping mechanisms. I know I avoid anything that makes me feel too much including intense music or books. I know this avoidance has been detrimental to my relationships with friends, family members and even strangers I meet. I have walls up, & I'm always on the defensive.

I think I've been stuck for awhile. I'm ready to move forward finally.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 6:06 am

Firstly, hugs to you. That was such a brave post, thank you for sharing it.

lpearlmom wrote:Seeking revenge just keeps the pain alive. And while I can't erase the past I can learn to let go. Then the healing can begin.

This is such an important realisation, but it is something that can't be rushed.

Oh honey, your list just about made me cry too. What pain for a child to go through.

Sadly a lot of my friends turned on me. Before this I had a large group of close friends. Friends I'd known since kindergarten. It was unbearably painful. I've never trusted woman friends completely since then. I tend to sabotage things and reject them before they can reject me. I need to let go of this. I need to open myself up for new possibilities again.

I had a similar experience at a similar age (14), for a different reason. I supported a friend with an eating disorder (anorexia) while everyone else shunned her. For not joining the shunning, I got shut out too. It took me almost 2 decades to really have any close women friends again, and I look back on that as a big loss for me. Eventually I've got to the point where I trust myself to be ok, which allows me to put myself out there.

It's funny that I'm writing about all this on a diet board but I've been avoiding these feelings for so long I can't help but wonder if eating has been one of my coping mechanisms.

I feel like NoS is so simple, it frees up our minds, hearts and energy to address other things.

I have one more quote to offer you:
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. - Gandhi

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 6:43 am

Thank you so much iron. For your support & for sharing your experience too. I can't tell you how much it helps to know that someone else went through something similar.

I think I carry a lot of shame about that experience so I rarely share it but I am ready to allow myself to start the process of putting it behind me. And I know you're right it will take time but just even saying I want to let go of it all feels like a big step for me.

I love the ghandi quote. Thanks again for your support. Means a lot.

Linda

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 9:06 am

Linda, thank you so much for sharing this. What a courageous and wonderful step towards healing.

Your examples are heart breaking. My mother used to leave me for drinking as well so I can relate to that. For me, it helped a lot to realise that she does love me immensely and that she is showing it as she can. She is who she is and as someone who doesn't reflect on her actions a great deal she did most of it unconsciously. I am certain your mum didn't set out to hurt you. She did hurt you trying to live her own life. It's much easier to forgive that than an intentional hurt I think.

As for your sister, I found it very interesting because she must be hurting too and her way of coping is to be highly functional. She must feel trapped in her image of perfection sometimes.

I find it so wonderful that this is coming up for you and that you can now start healing. Once it's come up to the surface you will heal naturally with time. It's the deeply hidden-from-our-own-sight things that hurt us most.

As for the girls who dropped you: I can tell from your thread and your kind comments that you are an amazing friend and we attract what we are so if you allow yourself to be vulnerable in friendships then people can only love you!

Edit: I guess this is the beauty of NoS because while it really only targets the habit level it clearly makes space to deal with much deeper reasons.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 1:13 pm

My turn to tell you how awesome that entry was!

I am a huge fan of good cries, by the way. Each time we grieve, we let out some of our hurt, and it will make it easier to forgive and let go. I personally believe that forgiveness and letting go are a very long journey that we can only begin once we acknowledge when and how we were hurt.

For the past two summers, I have been going to counseling. It has been amazing, but extremely hard work to delve into the pains of the child that I was; the child that felt unimportant and unlikeable. My counselor has often reminded me that when my boys are at an age that I was when I suffered hurts, that I will have a hard time for awhile. That has already been true for me. She told me that if my kids were girls, the tough times would be even tougher, but that if I ride the wave, healing can come through those times. So that's just something to keep in mind too.

On your journey to remember your childhood hurts, you will have to relive the pain, and process it for your "adult child". (Note: sorry if this psychobabble bothers anyone, but for me, it has been hugely helpful). An important job will be to remember how you thought about yourself when you were tiny--4, 5, 6. Those extremely painful memories you described above are only the surface--emotional pain was undoubtedly occurring when you were much younger. You just didn't even have the processing skills to think anything was abnormal at those ages when you were mistreated or stressed.

My counselor was 42 when she started her journey. You are not alone. Many brave women have forged the way for us to have an easier path toward healing. BTW, there are some GREAT books on these topics. I'll go check my collection and get back to you.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 3:42 pm

Thank you eschano. I know my mom loves me. We are very close & she's a great mom now & a wonderful grandmother to my girls. We just had a few really bad years when I needed her very badly but she just was dealing with too much to be there in the way I needed her to be.

Often she'll say things like how she doesn't deserve to have such wonderful daughters. I always tell her she's being silly & I know she did her best. I haven't been fully ready to really acknowledge my pain till now. But at my moms dinner, she said something about how "she wasn't always the best mother". I was about to shut her down as usual but my sister made a comment about me being the one who suffered from her "crazy years". My sister was away at college for most of that time. A lightbulb went off at that moment. I realize I can't keep sweeping it under the rug anymore because by holding on to it, I'm reliving it everyday.

Another thing that was really hard for me was when my mom lost our childhood home. I loved that house and would have dreams about it for years afterwards. I guess it represented the last bit of safety for me. Yesterday I realized I now have this beautiful home & this beautiful loving family. I have the opportunity to be the mom I always wanted to have but I'm not able to fully enjoy this life till I can make peace with the past. Also I have to acknowledge my sisters interference & controlling ways over the years may just been her way of trying to protect me.

PS I think you're right about my sister. Just watching her for a couple days is exhausting so I can imagine how exhausting it must be to live that life.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 4:10 pm

Thank you so much auto for your encouraging words. I don't think it's psychobabble at all because I can feel the truth of it in my bones. I have great memories from when I was very little but when my parents divorced (I was in 3rd grade) things got a little rough. My mom says I handled the divorce strangely well and when I tell her I don't have any memories of her & my dad fighting she looks at me like I'm crazy. So yes I think I blocked a lot out in order to protect myself.

Thank you for sharing your story too. I guess we all have past traumas & pain we have to work through. It's so good to be honest about our stories because often what makes our past so painful is feeling like we're the only ones and all the shame that comes with that. For instance, I can't tell you how much hearing maya Angelou's story helped me. She worked as a prostitute at a low-point of her life but later became a professor, poet, writer, presidential speaker. She refused to let her past define her. If she could forgive herself, so could I. (I did a lot of stupid things in my youth).

I admire you auto for facing things head on. I can see how certain ages of my girls will be a sharp reminder of difficult times in my past. Sometimes I can feel myself pushing my kids away when all they want is to be close. I feel this with Zoe mostly as she reminds me a lot of myself. I hope that going through this process will make me a better mom.

Writing all this down is so therapeutic. I feel as if I should be paying you all by the hour! So thanks for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully.

PS would love any book recommendations you might have auto.

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 10:19 pm

Been out of the loop here, and catching up a bit. It sounds like you've been through a lot lately. It's good to have this place to talk and share - and all the support from the people here.

I am on FB - and I don't see that kind of thing at all. I used to know people like that, but I NoSed them out of my life. As much as I could anyway, and if I couldn't cut them out, I minimized them. I certainly don't follow them on FB! I figure it's my FB. I can do what I want with it. How selfish of me, huh?

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 11:30 pm

I guess that's part of why I'm not on FB. If I was, and then wouldn't link up with my sister (or someone similarly close), I think I'd find that very hard to explain without hurting someone's feelings. Also, I think having an indifferent high school experience negates a lot of the "oh, I'd love to see what so and so is doing" appeal.

Plus I spend a lot of procrastination time on other things already

worth it · Post by **worth it** » Wed Jun 18, 2014 2:35 am

Linda,

I didn't know it at first, but was deeply touched to read your entry about your "stuffed feelings" from your childhood.

As someone who also can not handle intense emotions, I immediately wanted to leave your page as soon as I started reading about your situation and the tears started falling down my face. While I know the others have been able to say just the right thing, I decided to be brave and read on... and even write a little something to tell you that I think you are amazing to be able to acknowledge and work through the difficult feelings. I know you will be able to work through it and come out even more amazing on the other side.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Wed Jun 18, 2014 4:55 am

Dandelion: good to see you back. I don't think it's selfish, I think it's smart and it shows you value yourself & know your limitations. I could learn from that kind of thinking.

Yeah iron, fb is definitely not good for me.

Thank you so much worth it for reaching out to me and really sorry my post upset you. I'm the same way. I avoid a lot of things, because they're just too intense so I totally get it. It means a lot to me that you kept reading anyway.

I found this really cool meditation for letting go that I'm using to help me process everything and move forward. It feels really powerful to be working towards this. I guess I never really thought of it as an option. I thought I'd be at the whim of my past demons forever.

http://meditation-balance-posture.knoji ... -the-past/

It's really true what auto & eschano both said regarding NoS freeing up time for more important matters. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm finally dealing with these issues at the same time I finally committed to NoS. It's no exaggeration that I thought about food/weight/diet issues 24/7. It literally was the first thing I thought about when I woke up & the last thing I thought about before drifting off to bed.

Okay so on that note, back to all things NoS:

Weigh: 202.4 (looks like I put on some weight in Vegas--bummer)

Break: oatmeal, mocha
Lunch: split pea soup, 2 pieces toast w hummus, yogurt, cashews
Coffee w cream
Dinner: plate of Chinese food (underwhelming ); iced tea

Exercise: none :/

Going to start weighing myself in the middle of the month to account for pms weight which I get in beg of month. If I don't lose at least 1 lb/month, I have a list of different tweaks I'll implement to help move things along. I'm worried this body just won't budge but ll I can do is keep trying.

eschano · Post by **eschano** » Wed Jun 18, 2014 11:01 am

Amazing Linda! I also wonder if that is why it was so hard to stick to vanilla NoS before as all these feelings were welling up and needed to be stuffed down (the main reason I used to eat sweets).

All great news.

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Wed Jun 18, 2014 12:16 pm

That's a beautiful meditation, thanks for that link.

I'm a big believer in the power of the words we speak to ourselves and the ideas and images we focus on. The mind is an amazing thing.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Wed Jun 18, 2014 12:42 pm

Thanks for the link--I'd like to check that out.

For me, maybe it was not coincidence that I was ready to commit to moderation (i.e. NoS) after two summers of intense counseling.....interesting. I'd never made that connection before. Maybe there was some self-sabotage going on (as we all know we do sometimes).

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Wed Jun 18, 2014 3:13 pm

I am with you on the 24/7 thing. I know it's not as bad now as it was in my dieting 20s and 30s, but it can still dominate my thoughts. I would so love to get to the point where I don't think about it all the time. I"m not sure I ever will.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Thu Jun 19, 2014 6:39 am

Np! I really got a lot out of that meditation & will continue using it as much as possible.

Dandelion: I just wrote to you regarding this issue on your thread but wanted to add that it only went away with very strict vanilla for several months. I needed/need very clear boundaries. The structure does the thinking for you so you're mind can be freed up for other things. What kinds of things re: food are you thinking about? Amounts? Types? Or when to eat? Or is it more about your weight?

Today:
Weight: 202.4

Break: cereal, fruit, mocha
Lunch: Thai chicken salad, shrimp spring rolls, iced tea
Dinner: roasted halibut w hazelnut relish, roasted garlic, bread, sangria

Exercise: 14 mins row

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Thu Jun 19, 2014 4:21 pm

Now that I think about it, it's mostly about weight. Then the thoughts about weight eventually lead to 'dieting', what I eat, when, how, how not to...which leads to eating. It always ends with eating. After 40 years, it's a deeply ingrained habit.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 3:25 am

Yeah that makes perfect sense Dandelion. It's a viscous cycle. It's understandably upsetting. It seems like there should be a solution to all this. Especially since I'm not trying to be super skinny. Why do I have to be on some plan my whole life? Why can't I just eat three meals a day & dessert after dinner take a walk everyday and get on with my life?

I guess I could do that but I'd have to resign myself to the fact that I never lose weight again. I don't think I'm ready for that although it's tempting sometimes. I guess I don't have a good answer.

Anyway, today:

Break: Bagel w cream cheese, yogurt w fruit, mocha
Lunch: chicken salad, yogurt, figs, iced tea
Iced coffee
Dinner: chicken mozzarella pasta, garlic bread, figs, beer

Pasta recipe: http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2014 ... lla-pasta/

Was good!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 6:02 am

Linda, I am just catching up on your check in, and boy, has this discussion about thinking about weight 24/7 hit home with me! I feel like food and dieting dominate at least 70 percent of my thoughts. I'm certain that some of my problems with sweets have to do with events in my life that have happened in the past few years that were out of my control.
I, too, seem to be at a point where I have to be super vigilant with my eating, or I don't lose weight. It seems like after my younger son was born (I was 36) my metabolism slowed WAY down.

I would love to get to a point where I could eat my 3 or 4 meals and not think about it.
I'll have to check out that pasta recipe!

Heather

Edited to add: That recipe does look good!

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 4:04 pm

So, so, so how I feel too, Linda. There are days I feel like I should just accept it and get on with my life. But I can't. I feel like I'm stuck in between, pulled between the two, and that is not a happy place to be.

I agree - eat nice meals, a small dessert and go for a walk sounds like bliss.

Now you've got me thinking - yes, I'd like to lose weight. But what if that isn't going to happen? Do I want to spend what I have left of my life miserable because it doesn't? On a 'plan'?

Maybe weight loss isn't what I should be working toward - maybe that nice meals/ walk thing is what I should be working on. That and accepting whatever weight I am.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 4:55 pm

Yeah you got me thinking too Dandelion.....I think I'll experiment with that idea this weekend. Something like having 3 eating events a day plus a nice dessert. I still want some structure because permasnacking just feels awful and I don't enjoy my meals. But my eating events wouldn't be limited by calories, carbs or plates. I would eat what sounded good. Something special & delicious for each meal. Then move my body in a way that feels good each day--take a stroll, ride my bike in an interesting place, go for a nice swim?

If the focus was on self-care, self-love and enjoyment how could that lead us wrong? I'm probably not going to lose much weight either way so whats the best path for me? I don't know, but really interested in what direction you to decide to take.

Linda

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:39 pm

Just after I wrote to you, I saw this:

I understand the desperation to lose weight, but most people want to lose weight because they feel that their extra weight is keeping them from enjoying life to the fullest, but how does being a slave to a diet plan improve their quality of life? Where's the freedom in that?

Seriously. How does my constant weighing, fretting, planning, restricting - none of which result in weight loss - improve my life in any way?

I'm still pondering. But am giving it a go. I'll let you know how it goes - and you do the same. K?

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 11:10 pm

I think I may join you ladies. I really want to be free of the dieting. I do want to focus on eating foods that bless my body, but I'm so tired of thinking about food all of the time. That quote that you posted, Dandelion, is spot on.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 12:44 am

Wow, you women are inspiring me!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 1:00 am

Thanks for that quote dandelion. It does all seem like madness sometimes. I love this website about body acceptance too:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/em ... -global-ch

Here's a quotation from the founder:

"My body has been ripped, slow, fast, with child, hated, treasured and punished. The day I learned to unconditionally love my body was the day I became unstoppable."

Powerful stuff!

I don't know where I'm going with this but will definitely let you know Dandelion. I'm excited to hear your thoughts too Heather!

clarinetgal · Post by **clarinetgal** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 6:47 am

Wow, that is a great quote, Linda! I would love to get to the point where I unconditionally love my body.

Dandelion · Post by **Dandelion** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:42 pm

Wow. That gave me goosebumps! I love that quote.

Very exciting stuff going on here!

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:46 pm

Yay! Check out that video she made if you guys have a chance. I think it's so interesting that when she achieved the "ideal" body (for a short time) she realized she wasn't any happier & that she actually had to give up a lot of what made her happy to achieve it.

automatedeating · Post by **automatedeating** » Sun Jun 22, 2014 12:31 am

lpearlmom wrote: she realized she wasn't any happier & that she actually had to give up a lot of what made her happy to achieve it.

Boy, ain't that the truth? I know that the small and brief joy I would get by successfully achieving svelte body would require me to be someone that I don't want to be--someone that spends a lot of time on how she looks. That is so not me and never has been.

lpearlmom · Post by **lpearlmom** » Mon Jun 23, 2014 6:54 am

Yeah it's craziness. On our Vegas trip my sister got up early everyday & worked out, she skipped meals or just ate fruit and still seemed self-conscious in her bathing suit. Just doesn't seem worth it.

Nos does seem worth the effort though. It's given me so much peace and has made room for so many new discoveries about myself. I've been doing my Letting Go meditation almost everyday & it's been super helpful as well as insightful. My priorities really are finding a satisfying way to eat & move first and weight loss second. I no longer have illusions about my life suddenly changing when I get thinner but it's still something I think would be nice.

I also have almost a scientific curiosity towards losing weight. It'll be interesting to see if I can influence my weight with small changes over time. In the meantime I want to hold my head high no matter what I weigh. I want to take pride in my appearance & live my life now, not when I lose x amount of pounds. So yes sometimes I get annoyed that I have to be on a plan at all, but it's a good plan and besides planless days are never far behind (S days).

So that's where I'm at in my thinking after a completely over the top Saturday & a kind of planned fail on Friday. I'm committed to NoS & I'm equally committed to loving my body no matter where it ends up.

Today:
Break: salmon & cream cheese on toast , mocha
Lunch: tuna sandwich w avocado & tomato, chips , iced tea
Dinner: pizza, salad
D: angel food cake, strawberries & whipped cream 1/2 wine cooler

We had a fun evening playing in the kitchen. Talia made dessert, Zoe tried making a microwave choc chip cookie while I made fresh carrot juice for DH. Then we all went night swimming. Gotta love summer!

ironchef · Post by **ironchef** » Mon Jun 23, 2014 7:16 am

automatedeating wrote:
lpearlmom wrote: she realized she wasn't any happier & that she actually had to give up a lot of what made her happy to achieve it.
Boy, ain't that the truth? I know that the small and brief joy I would get by successfully achieving svelte body would require me to be someone that I don't want to be--someone that spends a lot of time on how she looks. That is so not me and never has been.

I agree. And this is also my go-to excuse for my hair style (or lack thereof).

The exception for me is exercise / fitness. When I'm really physically fit I do get a great sense of well being from that. Mood and exercise for me are very strongly linked. But you can be very fit without looking like our "socially constructed" ideals - just look at the range of body types in the different Olympic sports.